The Minotauress

"Dynamite," Ajax celebrated. "I could use a beer but... why are you parking way over here?"

"We're not going in. I just want to see who's here."

Ajax flicked a cigarette out the window and lit another. "Earth to Dean's brain? Best way to see who's inside is—duh—to walk inside."

"You don't understand," Dean sniped back. "I can't just walk into Gorty's and have a beer."

"Why?"

"I'm Dean Lohan," Dean said. "That's why."

Ajax frowned at the reply but before he could say anything, he caught a glimpse of another hot blond walking toward the front door. "Shit! Look at that slice of meat—"

"That's Mary Cotten."

"A brick motherfuckin' shit-house—"

"I fucked her," Dean admitted. "But then I shit-canned her the next day 'cos she shaves her pussy."

Ajax gawped at him. "You—"

"I don't like all that shaved shit, and that racing-stripe shit. I wanna fucking fistful of hair down there. I want sod." Dean paused, pointing at the long tavern window. "See the tall redhead, in the Danzig T-shirt?"

"Oh, you mean the one right there stacked like Thanksgiving dinner?"

"Yeah. That's Chrissy Croner. I fucked her."

Ajax was flabbergasted.

"She was an ass-fuck freak. She'd give herself an enema every time I came over."

"How long did you date her?"

Dean's face crinkled in objection. "I didn't date her, I just fucked her in the ass a bunch of times. I'd never date a girl like that. She wears too much makeup."

"Are you shitting me, man? Hell, I'd eat her makeup!"

"She's a trailer hog. I ain't got time to hold hands in the fuckin' park." Dean whipped out a can of Skoal and dipped a pinch. "All these girls out here? They're skoads."

"Skoads?"

"They're fuck-pigs, Ajax—"

"Oink, oink—"

"And they ain't worth a guy's time except the time it takes to punch their holes and slam the door in their whiny faces." He pointed again. "See the brunette over there by the pool table?"

Ajax squinted. "Yeah... and I just came in my pants. Let me guess? You fucked her."

"I fucked her," Dean said. "I'd pin her feet back behind her ears and fuck her so hard she'd sound like a dog-toy being stepped on. She was a good nut... but then I got sick of listening to her talk. She wouldn't get the message, so I started beating the shit out of her... but she still wouldn't leave. Said she loved me, said I was the best thing to ever happen to her. One night I kicked her in the head so hard she was out cold for the next twelve hours. When she came to, she sucked my dick."

Ajax could do nothing gawp at him.

"Women are fucked up," Dean continued. "The harder you kick their asses, the more they love you. See that life-support for a pussy hanging by the bowling machine? That's Tina Blacker—"

"She's hotter than the lid on a wood stove," Ajax drooled.

"Yeah, and she had a pussy tighter than a frog's ass. But she got too clingy, you know what I mean?"

"No," Ajax said.

"And she was a motor-mouth; she wouldn't shut up. One night when I was ‘faced, I just got sick of it and broke a plank over her head. When she got out of the hospital, did she press charges? Fuck no. She begged me to marry her, threatened to kill herself if I said no."

"What did you say?"

"No," Dean said. "I didn't have time for all that lovey-dovey psycho-tramp bullshit. I told her if she killed herself, I'd go to her funeral... if I wasn't busy."

"What a motherfucker!" Ajax proclaimed.

"That's right. Feel 'em, fuck 'em, and forget 'em. That was my philosophy back in the old days. So two months later, Tina calls me up and says she's pregnant, says it's mine, but I know she's been fucking my best friend Paul for the expressed purpose of getting knocked up and trying to tag me with it. So I tell her to stick an ice-pick up her hole and prick the kid out into the toilet, then she starts screaming and cuts her wrists. The only bad part is she didn't die. Spent a couple years in the state ward, and here she is back again, trawling for cock at the bar."

Ajax looked exhausted from the shock of what he was hearing. "Man, you fuckin' ranch-boys are hardcore woman-hating pieces of shit."

"Yeah... and I was the biggest piece of shit of them all," Dean said. "So now you understand why we can't go into the bar. Half the girls in there would want to kill me, the other half would want to marry me. That's just the way it is. I ain't just some guy walking the street in DeSmet. I'm Dean Lohan. And that name is bad news in this berg, buddy."

Ajax's astonished stared never lightened. It took full minutes for him to speak again. He cast a last hard squint at the tavern windows. "Let me guess," he said. "You've fucked every girl in that bar."

Dean roved his own squint across the windows. "Yeah."

"What a fuckin' stud!"