The Pillars of Eternity

‘Are you? We shall see. Only a god could change the course of the universe, and in effect you are asking how to become a god, the first ever to exist, since there have been no gods up to now. Very well, I will tell you. To become a god you must bear the unbearable. What brought you to this extraordinary idea, in the first place? Transcendental pain! It opened the door to a new idea, a new vision. For a fact, it was an event never intended by nature. All these ages it has lain as a minute but imperceptible chink in nature’s armour, a tiny flaw that conceivably could lead to her being overthrown. But the experience broke you, Joachim Boaz. You were unable to bear it; human consciousness is not strong enough.

‘Nevertheless you must bear it. Only if an experience of that order can be faced, contained, endured without losing control, can the human mind transcend itself. And if it transcends itself, it transcends nature. I tell you, Joachim Boaz, this event would be unique, unprecedented in the history of the cosmos. You could be catapulted into a new order of being. You would remember, Joachim Boaz. You would remember, and remembering, you could alter what you remember. The world around you would become a machine under your control.’

Boaz nodded, wondering what Madrigo would make of this.

But the news was not good enough for him. ‘You are telling me to wait, to be patient until the next manifestation of the world – and then to meet my misfortune in a different frame of mind. Your proposal is ludicrous.’

‘That is not what I propose, Joachim Boaz. There is no need to wait. With my help, you can do it now. I can return you to that horrendous event. I can backtrack your consciousness through time, so that you live through it again. But this time you must be prepared to conquer it.

‘Well?’ the ibis beak lifted challengingly. The small black eyes glittered.

When the shocking meaning of what the alien was offering came home to him, Boaz felt as though someone had punched him unexpectedly in the stomach. He flinched, he trembled, he was aghast.

‘No. You can’t expect – you couldn’t expect me to agree to that—’

‘You are afraid. It is natural. And yet you know that eventually it must come again, an unknown number of times, as the wheel turns. This is your chance to face it knowingly. Success is only a conceivable possibility, of course, not a guarantee. Perhaps you will triumph, perhaps you will sink into the final insanity. But to become a god, you must have the daring of a god.’

An irrational hatred of the ibis-headed man arose in Boaz, and with it an ungovernable panic. He was terrified that the alien might carry out the plan without permission. When he spoke, it was in a choking voice.

‘Plainly there is a limit to your knowledge. You imagine that I – or anyone – could face that. It is not the way. There must be another way.’

‘There is no other way. You will accomplish nothing unless you conquer your fear. Fear rules you, little Mudworm. Fear drives you to everything. But it does not matter what I say to you. You will continue to convince yourself that a miracle can be worked by purely material means. I knew already that this would be the outcome. Think how often you have been given this one opportunity which you lack the courage to seize.’

‘How dare you say that to me.’ Boaz was sobbing. ‘You have not suffered as I have.’

‘The worm would become a god. But the worm had not the heart of a god. Go then, little Mudworm, and live out your useless life. I have finished studying you.’

Boaz was enraged. He did not know, in that moment, whether he would attack the ibis-headed man or flee through the screen at his back. In any event, a black funnel formed suddenly in the air before him. He felt himself moving, traversing countless dizzying scenes as before.

Stillness again. He was standing on the plain of gold, which shone in the light of the yellow sun. The Hat Brothers stood near their ship, which was made tiny by the huge and gorgeous alien ships far off. A little farther away was Boaz’s alien ship, with The Sedulous Seeker behind it.

How much freedom would the ibis-headed man permit him? He shook off rage, shook off the sick feeling of having failed a crucial test. He shook off the resentment and contempt he felt for anyone, man or alien, who told him to endure what he was certain no being could endure.

He had the time-gems. He had an assurance, from his conversation with the ibis-headed man, that his quest was not totally hopeless, however qualified that statement might be. He could go forward.

He had to think how to leave Meirjain unmolested by the government cruiser. After only a moment’s deliberation he lifted Romrey’s statuelike body onto the sledge and set off for The Sedulous Seeker.