The Schwa Was Here

Usually I was pretty quick to catch on to things, but today I was a bit behin d the curve. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say. "Uh ... he had to go to a funeral."

"Oh, that's so sad," I heard Lexie say. At least her voice sounded nice. I could see her stepping out of the kitchen now, but Crawley kept the place so dark I couldn't see her face.

Crawley looked at me. "I guess you'll have to walk the dogs all by yourself, then," he said. And repeated, "All by yourself."

"Uh ... sure, I guess," I said.

And then Lexie said, "I could help."

Finally I figured out what was going on here, and I felt like a moron for not catching on sooner. As soon as Lexie offered to help, Crawley smiled and gave me a thumbs-up. This was a setup. "I don't know, Lexie . . . these dogs might be too strong for you."

"Don't be ridiculous—they're no stronger than Moxie, and if I go with your dog walker, I won't even have to take Moxie along."

Lexie finally stepped out of the shadows. I didn't see any­thing wrong with her at all. Tourette's syndrome, I thought. Any second she's gonna start cursing me out.

Actually, she was kind of pretty. Not perfect, of course, but then I wasn't one to judge. There was something strange about her eyes. They were half closed, like she just spent an hour in Mr. Gandler's social studies class, which, by the way, is a torture I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy.

Lexie stuck out her hand for me to shake. I had to move a few steps forward to grab her hand, and the moment I did, I figured the whole thing out.

"You're blindl" I hadn't meant to blurt it out like that, but well, there it was.

Crawley gave me a look of disgust that could spoil milk. "How very observant of you."

"Sorry," I said to Lexie, "but your grandfather had me think­ing you were a mutant or something."

"Grandpa thinks everyone's a mutant." She kissed him on top of the head.

"Everyone is," he grumbled.

A golden retriever much calmer than the other dogs paced out from the kitchen, wearing a harness and a rigid halter. A Seeing Eye dog. "This is Moxie," she said, and I knelt down to pet him as he came to me. "He'll be jealous when we walk the other dogs," Lexie said, "but he'll get over it."

We put two dogs on leashes. Moxie whined a bit, as Lexie predicted, and I led her out.

"Shouldn't I help you down the stairs or something?" I asked.

"Why?" she answered. "Five paces, turn right, twelve paces, turn left, twenty-two steps down, then nine paces to the door."

She navigated the stairs with confidence.

We crossed the street and walked the sidewalk that lined the bay so we wouldn't have to cross any more streets. Lexie held my arm as we walked a slow measured pace, with Prudence and Envy tugging on their leashes, and I silently wished I had lifted weights more, because she was holding on to my nearly nonexistent left bicep. I kept waiting for her to make a crack about it.

"So, how much is my grandfather paying you to entertain me?" she asked.

"Paying me? Why would he be paying me? I'm the dog walker. I walk the dogs."

"Nice try, but I know my grandfather. How much is he pay­ing you to spend time with me?"

I was going to continue denying it, but I figured this blind girl could see through anything.

"Enough," I said.

"Whatever it is, he's ripping you off," she said. "Ask for more."

"I can't do thatl"

"Why not? Your time is worth at least minimum wage, isn't it? And what about an expense account? Make sure he pays when you take me out to lunch, and when you take me dancing."

"Dancing? I'm taking you dancing?"

Lexie laughed. "Well, not if you don't want to. The boy last year couldn't dance at all."

So now I was really beginning to stutter and sputter and make all those stupid noises a guy makes when his brain slips out of gear. "He's done this before?"

"I spent the summer with Grandpa. He figures if he owns all my dates, he can keep me safe from the big bad world."

It was news to me that Crawley considered me safe. In fact, it annoyed me. What had I gotten myself into here? I had never spent quality time with a blind girl before. I had never spent quality time with any girl. My experiences had been mostly Kmart quality, if you know what I mean. Parties were usually just Ira, Howie, and me standing on the sidelines, drinking punch and cracking jokes about the guys who actually had dates. As for the girls I had gone out with, well, it usually felt more like the hot seat on a game show. One bad answer sends you out on your butt, and the whole world's laughing at you by eight o'clock, seven o'clock Central Time.

Lexie turned toward the bay the way most people would when they wanted to take in the view, but she was taking in the salty breeze against her face. Then she said something freaky.

"Can I see what you look like?"

I wasn't sure if she was kidding or not. "How would you do that?"