The Secret Chronicles of Henry Dashwood, Vol. 2

'He and his chums support Dr Barnes and the pro-Boers.' 'Well so what? Why should there be bad blood between the pair of you just because you don't agree about politics?' demanded Rosamund. To my astonishment, Maurice FitzAllen paused from the task of buttoning his shirt and said meekly: 'You're right, Rosamund, there's no reason at all. I don't agree with their political views, but Dashwood and his pals are fully entitled to their beliefs and they must think I'm a dreadful lout.' Rosamund looked up quickly at me again and continued to probe further. 'And why should they think that?' she asked gently. Maurice shrugged his shoulders. 'I led a gang of fellows to try and shout them down,' he confessed. 'I know it was wrong but people like Dashwood make me so angry. And on the evening of the freshers reception I saw him leave the college with Dr Barnes's stepsister who is the prettiest girl I've seen for years.' 'But that has nothing to do with Henry's politics,' exclaimed Rosamund. She might be only a lowly maidservant but she is blessed with genuine perception. 'You were simply jealous of him because this girl preferred his company to yours.' Maurice's face crumpled.

However, he pulled himself together and said: 'Yes, I admit it, and what made me even more furious was that I was too shy to introduce myself to her. To be brutally honest, I was angry with Dashwood and his crony not so much because they support the Boers but because they seem the type that have more success socially than I do. It's these damned spots on my face, you know, no girl could ever fancy me.'

'Don't be such a softy,' said Rosamund robustly. 'What were we doing five minutes ago-playing Ludo? Dr Barnes once told me that there was a poet called Pope who was small and slightly hunchbacked, but he always captured the attention of women at parties against competition from the most dashing and handsome young bucks because of his wicked tongue.' Maurice gave her a strange look and Rosamund giggled and said: 'Not that kind of wicked tongue, you rude thing! Pope might have been a wonderful pussey licker, but I meant that he was a great wit, and everyone likes a good laugh, you know. All right, I'm not saying that your spots look nice, but do something about them. Buy a jar of skin cream from the chemist. I'm sure that Smith's ointment will clear them up.' 'Do you really think so?' he said, brightening up for a moment. But then poor Maurice added gloomily: 'But at school we were told that spots came from, er, well, how I shall I put it-'

'Playing with yourselves,' said Rosamund, finishing his sentence for him. 'Oh, don't blush, Mr. FitzAllen, I've heard all these fairy stories before. Sometimes, the schools tell the boys they'll get spots, sometimes that they'll go blind, sometimes that they'll catch deadly diseases or worse if they don't stop tossing off. Well, all I can say is that if that were the case, the hospitals would be bloody crowded because there wouldn't be more than a handful of healthy men who could expect to reach the age of twenty-five!' 'I'll do what you say, Rosamund,' said Maurice humbly. 'And I'll tell my friends not to interrupt Dr Barnes's next lecture. We were going to rag him, but I'll stop any trouble.' 'And what about Henry Dashwood?' she demanded. Maurice gave her a smile and said: 'Well, after this morning, I don't feel so jealous of Dashwood. Actually, I rather like him and his chum Charles Farleigh-Windsor. Perhaps if I apologised for being so beastly to him and the others, we could still be friends.'

'I'm sure you could,' agreed Rosamund. When they had finished dressing they left Maurice's room and Joshua came out from behind the curtains and gave me a hand down from my perch. 'Did you get any good shots of Maurice on the job?' he asked eagerly. 'I think I'll have two or three corkers.' I scratched my head and said hesitantly: 'Yes, there are probably some saucy snaps on my film, but I don't think we should develop them just yet.' 'Ah, because of what he said to Rosamund about making up with us,' he said thoughtfully. 'Fair enough, Henry, I suppose we should give him a chance to make amends. But if we don't send any photographs to the rude magazines, I'll have to give Rosamund a fiver myself because it wouldn't be right to put her out of pocket.' When we told Charles about what had happened he readily agreed to suspend judgement on Maurice FitzAllen. 'Now the yoke of unwanted virginity has been lifted from his shoulders, I believe that Maurice will be a far nicer person,' I said. 'Now he has had his first taste of pussy, he won't be so aggressive as he'll have shaken off that dreadful inferiority complex.'

PART III. Rural Rides