The Secret Chronicles of Henry Dashwood, Vol. 2

We all roared with laughter although I noticed that Cassie gave Alfred a quizzical look although she said nothing more. Frankly, I have some doubts about the absolute veracity of this tale, but as Dr Muttley always drummed into us back at the Albion Academy, it is the height of bad manners to question the accuracy of another person's anecdote, especially if he is entertaining the listeners. Be that as it may, this stirring story had affected Elena who rose from the table with a gleam in her eye and suggested that it was time for the ladies to retire to the drawing-room. But Cassie turned to her mother and said: 'Mama, I don't see why I should have to leave the table to enable the gentlemen to smoke (which I happen to think is a habit which is bad for your health and should not be encouraged indoors) or to enjoy a glass of port and tell each other risque stories.' It was no surprise to me that a staunch fighter for women's rights like Jenny Nairman agreed with Cassie. 'Quite so, Cassandra,' she said hotly. 'There is no-reason at all why we should be cast aside like second class citizens at the conclusion of a dinner party.' 'There may be something in what you say, my dear, but the custom allows us to leave the table gracefully so that we may visit the powder room,' ventured Elena but her argument was swiftly rebutted by Jenny who said: 'True, Mrs. Morley, but then why should we not be allowed to do the same as the gentlemen and excuse ourselves from the table after the main courses? I wonder what the gentlemen here have to say on the matter. What are your views, Mr. Dashwood?' 'Well, I think it might be better if there were no hard and fast rules about the matter,' I said diplomatically. 'This would allow the ladies who wish to retire to leave the company and those who do not to stay and enjoy a glass of port.' This brought Lester Toddington, who had remained very quiet whilst his brother had regaled us with nil story, into the conversation. 'Oh come now, Mr. Dashwood, this would be an insufferable encroachment upon the male preserve – and I doubt if you could find any young ladies who would appreciate port, it's very much a gentleman's liqueur.' Jenny bristled at this remark. 'I must contradict you,' she said icily as she signalled Polgrave to pour some port from the crystal decanter into her glass. 'In public houses patronised by the wage-earning classes, a port-and-soda is considered a real treat by ladies. However, what is more important is the simple fact that a feminine palate can be just as sensitive as a man's.

Without wishing to boast, I would back my judgement on port against any man at this table.' She lifted her glass and held it up to the light before taking a sip. Then she looked at Elena and said: 'This is an excellent wine, Mrs. Morley. A full, rich Old Muscatel, which could well be a '92 vintage or even an '87. And as it is so rich, we had better finish the decanter for the port will deteriorate overnight,' she concluded as she swung round to the other end of the table and said 'Wouldn't you agree, Sir Richard?' “Top marks, Miss Nairman,' laughed the good natured baronet who turned to Lester Toddington and added, 'You'll have to eat your words, my dear sir.'

Lester raised his hands in surrender but Jenny would not be deflected and went on: 'May I also say that if you would like to drink port in an unorthodox fashion, you could do far worse than follow the example of the Portuguese who drink light white port with soda and ice. It makes a delicious aperitif and dear friends of mine, of both sexes, who have partaken of the drink thoroughly recommend it.'

No doubt in order to keep the conversation on a light-hearted level, Charles rapped his knuckles on the table, 'On that note, ladies and gentlemen, let's finish this delicious port. For the benefit of ladies present who might not be familiar with the custom, the convention is that the decanter is passed around the table in a clockwise direction. Polgrave had to place a second decanter on the table whilst he refilled the first. When that too had been emptied Elena stood up again and Sir Richard Hawton escorted her out as she tottered towards the door. However, in her hurry to leave, Elena had not closed the door and we distinctly heard Sir Richard (who being slightly deaf in one ear tended to speak loudly) say: 'Well, that was a splendid dinner, Elena but there is something you must do for me right away.' 'What's that?' she asked and the reply came back: 'Undo my flies and take out my cock. I've had a tremendous boner for the last five minutes.' I must admit that I let out a noisy guffaw when Elena answered: 'There you are, my dear, is that more comfortable. Goodness, what a big prick you have!' 'There's over nine inches of meat in your hand,' we heard Sir Richard say proudly before Charles leaped up and ran across the room to shut the door.