The War of the Roses

He hadn't slept. He wasn't used to the high, canopied Chippendale bed in the spare room across the hall from their bedroom. It had looked so inviting and comfortable when they bought it. It was too high and too hard. They had furnished the room strictly for guests, with a beautiful Hepplewhite secretaire of figured satinwood decorated with marquetry, a mahogany dressing table, and a japanned commode. On the floor was a round Art Deco carpet and draperies that matched its beige field. The room, he decided was too showy for comfort.

From his tossing and turning, the sheets had bunched and parted from the mattress, which added to his discomfort. Yet he refused to straighten them out, perhaps out of some masochistic desire to be punished for his marital shortcomings, whatever they were.

This phenomenon - it seemed the only way to label it - was not an uncommon experience among his acquaintances. 'She just upped and said, "No more marriage." Like her whole persona had been transformed. Maybe it's something chemical that happens as forty gets closer.' He had heard it said in a hundred different ways.

'It's endemic,' he decided, heading down Connecticut Avenue, almost at a jog, until, breathless, he found himself leaning against the fountain rim at Du-Pont Circle. It was there that the realization hit him. He was on the verge of starting a whole new life for which he was totally unprepared. And in lousy physical shape to boot, he thought, noting his labored breathing. Perhaps he would have been better off with a heart attack.

Sometime near dawn he had run out of explanations, having traced his life with her from the moment he had first clapped eyes on her in the parlor of the rickety Barker house in Chatham. Cribb and Molineaux. They had finally joined the two on their wedding night.

'Let them do all our fighting for us,' Barbara had told

him then. ¹

The story had worn well over the years, although in the darkness and the new circumstances, the punch line had lost its humor. Once, the auctioneer's error had come from providence. Now, once again, it seemed merely stupid. If the pair hadn't been broken, Oliver might have been spared this.

He had, Oliver told himself, been a good and loving husband. He had nearly offered 'faithful' to complete the triad but that would have discounted his two episodes with hookers during conventions in San Francisco and Las Vegas when the children were small. My God, she has everything she could possibly want, he had railed into the night, sapped finally by the exhaustion of his disorientation.

What confused him most was that he had not been warned. Not a sign. He hated to be taken by surprise.

'You look a mess,' one of his colleagues said to him cheerily as Oliver passed his office in the corridor. A jogger, the man was always the first to arrive. Oliver had not wanted to be observed, since he knew his demeanor told his whole story. He had seen it a number of times himself, the unshaven, abject figure in the rumpled suit and curled collar arriving before seven, another marital victim of the sisterhood's rage.

'Don't say another word,' he had admonished the innocent colleague as he lunged for his own office and plopped helplessly into the swivel chair behind his desk. In a silver frame, Barbara stared back at him, offering a Mona Lisa smile. He flung the picture into the waste-basket. He could not remember how long he sat there, blank and empty, wanting to cry.

His secretary, Miss Harlow, a jolly, middle-aged lady, came in and almost immediately saw Barbara's picture in the wastebasket.

'I need lots of kindness this morning,' he said.

'So I see.'

'And a doughnut with my coffee from now on.' 'Jelly or plain?'

'I'm not sure,' he admitted, looking up to face her misty eyes. 'And don't try to cheer me up.'

Soon after she left, Harry Thurmont called. Oliver had secretly hoped the call would be from Barbara, contrite and apologetic. He knew Harry, a divorce lawyer, only casually. People called him the Bomber. His heart sank.

'She's retained me, Rose,' Thurmont said. His voice had a gleeful note.

'I guess you're as good as any,' Oliver said gloomily. He was annoyed that she had wasted no time in getting herself legal counsel. He realized he would have to do the same.

'I think if you're reasonable we can work things out,' Thurmont said.

'I'm really not ready to talk about it.'

'I know. And I'm real sorry. Believe me, I tried to talk her out of it. That's always the first step. That's what they teach us at law school. I'm afraid she's adamant.'

'No give at all?' he muttered into the mouthpiece, instantly sorry for letting his anxiety show. 'None,' Thurmont replied.

'I don't care. I haven't cared for a long time,' she had said. It was still impossible to believe. 'Suppose she changes her mind.' 'She won't.'

'What makes you so sure?' he asked testily. 'It's gonna be a nut cutter,' Thurmont said abrupdy. 'Better cover your ass.' 'As bad as that?' 'Worse.'

'I don't understand.' 'You will.' 'When?'