Thief of Time

“But no one would countermand the abbot's orders, would they?” said Lobsang, as they skidded round a corner.

“Ha! It'll be his nap in ten minutes and if they give him a new toy when he wakes up he might end up being so busy banging square green pegs into round blue holes that he'll forget what he said,” said Lu-Tze. “Politics, lad. Too many idiots will start saying what they're sure the abbot would have meant. Off you go, now. I'll see you in the Garden of Five Surprises in one minute.”

When Lobsang arrived Lu-Tze was carefully tying one of the bonsai mountains into a bamboo framework. He fastened the last knot and placed it in a bag over one shoulder.

“Won't it get damaged?” said Lobsang.

“It's a mountain. How can it get damaged?” Lu-Tze picked up his broom. “And we'll just drop in and have a chat with an old mate of mine before we leave, though. Maybe we'll pick up some stuff.”

“What's going on, Sweeper?” said Lobsang, trailing after him.

“Well, it's like this, lad. Me and the abbot and the bloke we're going to see, we go back a long way. Things are a bit different now. The abbot can't just say, ‘Lu-Tze, you are an old rogue, it was you who put the idea of Uberwald into everyone's heads in the first place, but I see you're onto something, so off you go and follow your nose.’”

“But I thought he was the supreme ruler!”

“Exactly! And it's very hard to get things done when you're a supreme ruler. There're too many people in the way, mucking things up. This way, the new lads can have fun running around Uberwald going ‘Hai!’ and we, my lad, will be heading for Ankh-Morpork. The abbot knows that. Almost knows that.”

“How do you know the new clock is being built in Ankh Morpork?” said Lobsang, trailing behind Lu-Tze as he took a mossy, sunken path that led through rhododendron thickets to the monastery wall.

“I know. I'll tell you, the day someone pulls the plug out of the bottom of the universe, the chain will lead all the way to Ankh-Morpork and some bugger saying, ‘I just wanted to see what would happen.’ All roads lead to Ankh-Morpork.”

“I thought all roads led away from Ankh-Morpork.”

“Not the way we're going. Ah, here we are.”

Lu-Tze knocked on the door of a rough but large shed built right up against the wall. At the same moment there was an explosion within and someone—Lobsang corrected himself—half of someone tumbled very fast out of the unglazed window beside it and hit the path with bone-cracking force. Only when it stopped rolling did he realize that it was a wooden dummy in a monk's robe.

“Qu's having fun, I see,” said Lu-Tze. He hadn't moved as the dummy had sailed past his ear.

The door burst open and a plump old monk looked out excitedly.

“Did you see that? Did you see that?” he said. “And that was with just one spoonful!” He nodded at them. “Oh, hello, Lu-Tze. I was expecting you. I've got some things ready.”

“Got what?” said Lobsang.

“Who's the boy?” said Qu, ushering them in.

“The untutored child is called Lobsang,” said Lu-Tze, looking around the shed. There was a smoking circle on the stone floor, with drifts of blackened sand around it. “New toys, Qu?”

“Exploding mandala,” said Qu happily, bustling forward. “Just sprinkle the special sand on a simple design anywhere you like, and the first enemy to walk on it—Bang, instant karma! Don't touch that!”

Lu-Tze reached across and snatched from Lobsang's inquisitive hands the begging bowl that he had just picked up from a table.

“Remember Rule One,” he said, and hurled the bowl across the room. Hidden blades slid out as it spun, and the bowl buried itself in a beam.

“That would take a man's head right off!” said Lobsang. And then they heard the faint ticking.

“…three, four, five…” said Qu. “Everybody duck… Now!”

Lu-Tze pushed Lobsang to the floor a moment before the bowl exploded. Metal fragments scythed overhead.

“I added just a little something extra since you last saw it,” said Qu proudly, as they got to their feet again. “A very versatile device. Plus, of course, you can use it to eat rice out of. Oh, and have you seen this?”

He picked up a prayer drum. Both Lu-Tze and Lobsang took a step back.

Qu twirled the drum a few times, and the weighted cords pattered against the skins.

“The cord can be instantly removed for a handy garotte,” he said, “and the drum itself can be removed—like so—to reveal this useful dagger.”

“Plus, of course, you can use it to pray with?” said Lobsang.

“Well spotted,” said Qu. “Quick boy. A prayer is always useful in the last resort. In fact we've been working on a very promising mantra incorporating sonic tones that have a particular effect on the human nervous syst—”

“I don't think we need any of this stuff, Qu,” said Lu-Tze.

Qu sighed. “At least you could let us turn your broom into a secret weapon, Lu-Tze. I've shown you the plans—”

“It is a secret weapon,” said Lu-Tze. “It's a broom.”

“How about the new yaks we've been breeding? At the touch of a rein their horns will instantly—”

“We want the spinners, Qu.”