Thief of Time

“No, you are Mr Green.”

“Nevertheless, we would prefer Mr Black. We are the senior, and black is a more significant shade. We do not wish to be Mr Green.”

“The translation of your names is not, I think, important,” said Lady LeJean. She gave Jeremy another smile. “They are my accountants,” she added, some reading on her part having suggested that this might excuse most oddities.

“You see, Igor?” said Jeremy. “They are simply accountants.”

Igor grimaced. Where his baggage was concerned; accountants were probably worse news than lawyers.

“Grey would be acceptable,” said Mr Green.

“Nevertheless, you are Mr Green. We are Mr Black. It is a matter of status.”

“If that is the case,” said Miss White, “white is higher status than black. Black is absence of colour.”

“The point is valid,” said Mr Black. “Therefore we are now Mr White. You are Miss Red.”

“You previously indicated that you were Mr Black.”

“New information indicates a change of position. This does not indicate incorrectness of said previous position.”

It's happening already, thought Lady LeJean. It's in the darkness where your eyes can't see. The universe becomes two halves, and you live in the half behind the eyes. Once you have a body, you have a “me”.

I have seen galaxies die. I have watched atoms dance. But until I had the dark behind the eyes, I didn't know the death from the dance. And we were wrong. When you pour water into a jug, it becomes jug-shaped and it is not the same water any more. An hour ago they never dreamed of having names, and now they are arguing about them…

And they can't hear what I think!

She wanted more time. The habits of a billion years don't yield entirely to a mouthful of dry toast, and she could see that a crazy life-form like humanity should not be allowed to exist. Yes, indeed. Certainly. Of course.

But she wanted more time.

They should be studied. Yes, studied.

There should be… reports. Yes. Reports. Full reports. Long, long full reports.

Caution. That was it. That was the word! Auditors loved that word. Always put off until tomorrow something which, tomorrow, you could put off until, let's say, next year.

It has to be said that Lady LeJean was not herself at this point. She didn't quite have a herself to be. The other six Auditors… in time, yes, they'd think the same way. But there wasn't time. If only she could persuade them to eat something. That would… yes, that would bring them to their senses. There seemed to be no food around, though.

She could see a very large hammer on the bench.

“How is progress, Mr Jeremy?” she said, walking over to the clock. Igor moved very fast, and stood almost protectively next to the glass pillar.

Jeremy hurried forward. “We have carefully aligned all the systems—”

“—again—” Igor growled.

“Yes, again—”

“Theveral timeth, in fact,” Igor added.

“And now we simply await the right weather conditions.”

“But I thought you stored lightning?”

Her ladyship indicated the greenish glass cylinders bubbling and hissing along the wall of the workshop. Just by the bench with, yes, the hammer on it. And no one could read her thoughts! The power!

“There will easily be enough to keep the mechanism working, but to start the clock will require what Igor calls a jump,” said Jeremy.

Igor held up two crocodile clips the size of his head.

“'Th'right,” he said. “But you hardly ever get the right kind of thunderthtormth down here. Thould've built thith in Uberwald, I keep thaying.”

“What is the nature of this delay?” said—possibly—Mr White.

“We need a thunderstorm, sir. For the lightning,” said Jeremy. Lady LeJean stepped back, a little closer to the bench.

“Well? Arrange one,” said Mr White.

“Hah, well, if we were in Uberwald, of courthe—”

“It is merely a matter of pressures and potentials,” said Mr White. “Can you not simply create one?”

Igor gave him a look of disbelief mixed with respect.

“You're not from Uberwald, are you?” he said. Then he gasped, and banged the side of his head.

“Hey, I felt that one,” he said. “Whoopth! How did you do that? Prethure dropping like a thtone!”

Sparks glittered along his black fingernails. He beamed.

“I'll jutht go and raithe the lightning rod,” he said, hurrying to a pulley system on the wall.

Lady LeJean turned on the others. This time she wished they could read her thoughts. She didn't know enough pronounceable human swearwords.

“That is against the rules!” she hissed.

“Mere expediency,” said Mr White. “If you had not been… lax, this would have been concluded by now!”

“I counselled further study!”

“Unnecessary!”

“Is there a problem?” said Jeremy, in the diffident voice he used for conversations not involving clocks.

“The clock should not be started yet!” said Lady LeJean, not taking her eyes off the other Auditors.

“But you asked me… we've been… it's all set up!”

“There may be… problems! I think we should see another week of testing!”