Three Hands In The Fountain

`Get some for me!' croaked Famia, Maia's husband, who was a soak. As usual he made no attempt to pay for it. I winked at my sister to let her know I had no intention of complying, though I would probably bring back some cabbages so she could make him hangover cures. 'Artichokes, please,' said Maia. `And some baby marrows if they're still available.'

`Excuse me, I'm supposed to be going to catch a pervert.'

`According to Lollius, he has already solved that case for you.'

'Don't tell me anyone has started taking Lollius seriously.'

`Only Lollius himself.' Maia had a dry way of insulting her sisters' husbands. Her only blind spot was her own, and that was understandable. Once she let herself notice Famia's deficiencies the rest of us would be in for a lengthy diatribe. `How's Petronius?' she asked. `Is he going, with you?'

`He's been laid up by the criminal world's society for the preservation of marriages, a smart group of lads with strict moral consciences who see themselves as the thunderbolt of Jupiter. They knocked him about so badly I'm hoping that when his black eyes clear up again; he'll march straight back to Arria Silvia.'

`Don't bet on it,' scoffed Maia. `He may bang on the door but will she open up? Last I heard, Silvia was making the best of her loss.'

`What does that mean, sis?'

'Oh, Marcus! It means her husband did the dirty, so she dumped him, and now she's been seen going around with a new escort.'

`Silvia?'

Maia gave me a hug… For some reason she always regarded me as a winsome innocent. `Why not? When I saw her, she looked as if she was having the most fun for years.'

My heart sank.

`How's your poetry?' If, Maia was trying to cheer me up with this bright enquiry after my hobby (which I knew she ridiculed) the ploy failed.

`I'm thinking of holding a public recitation sometime soon.'

`Juno and Minerva! The sooner you leave for the country the better, dear brother!'

`Thanks for the support, Maia.'

`I'm always ready to save you from yourself.'

I had one minor task to complete. I could not face an hour of twittering from Milvia, so I refused to visit her house. I wrote a terse report, to which Helena attached a bill for my services, payable on receipt. I assured the girl I had seen her mother, and spoken to her personally. I said Flaccida was well and had enrolled herself for a series of speculative lectures on the natural sciences, from which she did not wish to be disturbed.

That done, my next call was to Petronius at his aunt's house, a trip I was required' to make in company with our earnest supervisor, the ex-Consul. His idea of man management was to check up personally on staff who might be malingering.' Once again I had suggested Frontinus come in plain clothes, lest he cause Petro's wheezing Aunt Sedina to expire with excitement at the idea of having such an eminent' man sitting on the edge of a bed in her house and examining her errant nephew. Instead, Sedina greeted me warmly, then treated my companion as if she assumed he was my shoe-changing slave. I was honoured with the visitor's bowl of almonds to munch, but I let the Consul have one or two.

When we first walked in I saw that my old friend looked even worse now the bruises and swellings had reached the glorious stage.' He was covered in so many rainbows that he could have played Iris on stage. He was also conscious, and sufficiently himself to greet me with a barrage of obscenities. I let him get it out of his system, then stepped aside so he could see Frontinus lurking behind me, bearing a flagon of medicinal cordial. As consuls go, he was well brought up. I had taken grapes. That gave something for Petro to chew on as he fell gloomily silent in the presence of the, great.

Small talk is difficult with an invalid who has only himself to blame. We were hardly going to humour him by discussing his symptoms. Wondering how he could ever have caught his disease was out too. Stupidity is an ailment nobody talks about openly.

Frontinus and I made the mistake of confessing we had come to, say farewell before a junket to Tibur. This immediately gave Petro the idea that he would hire a litter and come along with us. He could still hardly move; he would be useless. Still, it might be good to remove him from any danger of renewed attacks from Florius and I was quite pleased to put him out of Milvia's reach too. His aunt soon stopped being put out in case her own hospitality wasn't good enough, and came round to thinking that fresh country air was just what her big daft treasure needed. So we were stuck with him.

`All very, well, but it won't help Lucius Petronius get back together with his wife,' said Helena, when I told her afterwards.