Thud

At one point Vimes was asked to repeat the meat of his statement made up above, which had seemed too far away now. He'd done so, and there'd been a long drawn out discussion in what he'd come to think of as Deep Dwarf. And all the time he felt that eyes he could not see were watching him very hard indeed. It didn't help that his head had been aching like mad and there were shooting pains going up and down his arm.

And that was it. Had they understood him? He didn't know. Ardent had said that they agreed with considerable reluctance. Had they? He hadn't a clue, not a clue, to what had really been said. Would Carrot be given access to a crime scene that had not been interfered with in any way? Vimes grunted. Huh. What do you think, boys and girls?

He pinched his nose, and then stared at his right hand. Igor had gone on at length about `tiny invithible biting creatureth' and used some vicious ointment that probably killed anything of any size or visibility. It had stung like seven hells for five minutes, but then had gone and seemed to have taken the pain with it. Anyway, what mattered was that the Watch was officially on this case.

His eye was caught by the top sheet of paperwork in his in-tray [1] He groaned as he picked it up.

To: His Grace Sir Samuel Vimes, Commander of the Watch

From: Mr A E Pessimal, Inspector of the Watch Your Grace,

I hope you will not mind giving me as soon as possible the answers to the following questions:

1 What is Corporal `Nobby' Nobbs for? why do you employ a known petty thief.'

2 I timed two officers in Broadway- earlier, and in the space of one hour they made no arrests. Why was this an economic use of their time

3 The level of violence used by troll officers against troll prisoners appears excessive. Could you please comment upon this?

[1] Vimes maintained three trays: In, Out and Shake It All About; the last one was where he put everything he was too busy, angry, tired or bewildered to do anything about.

... and so on. Vimes read on with his mouth open. All right, the man wasn't a copper - definitely not - but surely he had a fully functional brain. Oh, good grief, he'd even spotted the monthly discrepancy in the petty cash box! Would A. E. Pessimal understand if Vimes explained that Nobby's services over the years more than made up for the casual petty theft, which you accepted as a kind of mild nuisance? Would that be an economic use of my time? I think not.

As he put the paper back in the tray he spotted a sheet underneath, in Cheery's handwriting. He picked it up and read it.

Two dwarfs and one troll had handed in their badges that morning, citing `family reasons'. Damn. That was seven officers lost this week. Bloody Koom Valley, it got everywhere. Oh, it couldn't be fun, heavens knew, being a troll holding the line against a bunch of your fellow trolls and defending a dwarf like the late Hamcrusher. It probably wasn't any funnier being a dwarf hearing that some troll street gang beat up your brother because of what that idiot had said. Some people would be asking: whose side are you on? If you're not for us, you're against us. Huh. If you're not an apple, you're a banana...

Carrot came in quietly and placed a plate on the desk. `Angua told me all about it,' he said. `Well done, sir.'

`What do you mean, well done?' said Vimes, looking at his healthy sandwich lunch. `I nearly started a war!'

`Ah, but they didn't know you were bluffing.'

`I probably wasn't: Vimes carefully lifted the top of the bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich and smiled inwardly. Good old Cheery. She knew what a Vimes BIT was all about. It was about having to lift up quite a lot of crispy bacon before you found the miserable skulking vegetables. You might never notice them at all.

`I want you to take Angua down there with you again,' he said. `And ... yes, Lance-Constable Humpeding. Our little Sally. Just the job for a vampire who fortuitously has arrived in the nick of time, eh? Let's see how good she is.'

`Just those two, sir?'

`Er, yes. They both have very good night vision, yes?' Vimes looked down at his sandwich and mumbled, `We can't take any artificial light down there.'

`A murder investigation in the dark, sir?'

`I had no choice!' said Vimes hotly. `I know a sticking point when I see one, captain. No artificial light. Well, if they want to play silly buggers, I'm their boy. You know about mines, and both the ladies have got night vision built in. Well, the vampire has, and Angua can practically see with her nose. So that's it. Do the best you can. The place is full of those damn glow beetles. They should help.'

`They've got vurms?' said Carrot. `Oh. Well, I know some tricks there, sir.

'Good. They say a big troll did it and ran away. Make of that what you will.,

`There might be some protests about Sally, sir,' said Carrot. `Why? Will they spot she's a vampire?'

`No, Sir, I don't think they-'