Unseen Academicals

Glenda felt light as air as the coach trundled down Broad Way, and it wasn’t just from lack of sleep. That stuff about boats, I really hope he doesn’t think it’s all about ships.

There was a crowd outside the university when they arrived, just as yesterday, but it seemed to have a different complexion now. People were staring at her and Nutt, and there was something wrong with the way they were looking.

She reached over to the mound that was Trev, pretended not to hear a girlish giggle and said, ‘Trev. Could you, er, have a look at this. I think there’s going to be trouble.’

Trev, very tousled, stuck his head out and said, ‘Hmm, me too. Let’s all nip in around the back.’

‘We could stay on and get off at the Post Office,’ said Glenda.

‘No,’ said Trev. ‘We ’aven’t done anythin’ wrong.’

As they dismounted from the coach a small boy said to Nutt, ‘Are you the orc, mister?’

‘Yes,’ said Nutt, as he helped Glenda down. ‘I am an orc.’

‘Cool! Have you ever twisted someone’s head off?’

‘I don’t believe so. I am sure I would have remembered,’ said Nutt.

This got if not applause then a certain amount of approval from some of the bystanders. It’s his voice, thought Glenda. He sounds posher than a wizard. You can’t imagine a voice like that with its hands around somebody’s head.

At this point the back gate opened and Ponder Stibbons came hurrying through. ‘We saw you from the Hall,’ he said, grabbing Nutt. ‘Come in quick. Where have you all been?’

‘We ’ad to go to Sto Lat,’ said Trev.

‘On business,’ said Juliet.

‘Personal,’ said Glenda, daring Ponder to object. ‘Is there something wrong?’

‘There was something in the paper this morning. We have not been having a very nice time,’ said Ponder, towing them into the relative safety of the undercrofts.

‘’ave they been sayin’ somethin’ nasty about Mister Nutt?’ said Trev.

‘Not exactly,’ said Ponder. ‘The editor of the Times came round, in person, and was knocking on the door to see the Archchancellor at midnight. He wanted to know all about you.’ This was said directly to Nutt.

‘I bet it was bloody Ottomy that told them,’ growled Glenda. ‘What have they done?’

‘Well, of course, you know there was all that trouble over the Medusa in the Watch a little while ago,’ Ponder began.

‘Yes, but you wizards sorted that out,’ said Trev.

‘But no one likes being turned into stone, even if it’s just for half an hour.’ Ponder sighed. ‘The Times has done one of their thoughtful pieces. I suppose it isn’t too bad. It quoted the Archchancellor, who says that Mister Nutt is a hardworking member of the university staff and there have been no incidents of anyone’s leg being torn off.’

‘They put it like that?’ said Glenda, wide-eyed.

‘Oh, you know the sort of thing if you read the papers a lot,’ said Ponder. ‘I seriously think they think that it’s their job to calm people down by first of all explaining why they should be overexcited and very worried.’

‘Oh, yes, I know they do that,’ said Glenda. ‘How would people get worried if they weren’t told how to be?’

‘Well, it wasn’t all that bad,’ said Ponder, ‘but a few of the other papers have picked it up as well and some of the facts have become … elastic. The Inquirer said Nutt is training the football team.’

‘That’s true,’ said Glenda.

‘Well, actually it’s me. I am merely delegating the task to him. I hope that’s understood? Anyway, they did a cartoon about it.’

Glenda put a hand over her eyes. She hated cartoons in newspapers. ‘Was it a football team of orcs?’ she said.

Ponder’s look was almost admiring. ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘And they did an article about raising important questions about Vetinari’s open-door policy, while saying at the same time that rumours that Mister Nutt had to be chained down were quite likely false.’

‘What about the Tanty Bugle?’ said Glenda. ‘They never write anything unless it’s got blood and horrible murder in it.’ She paused and then added, ‘Or pictures of girls without their vests on.’

‘Oh, yes,’ said Ponder. ‘They did a rather grainy picture of a young lady with enormous melons.’

‘D’you mean—’ Trev began.

‘No, they were just enormous melons. The green ones. Slightly warty. She won a contest for growing them, apparently, but in the caption it said that she’s worried that she won’t be able to sleep easily in her bed now that orcs are coming into the city.’

‘Is Lord Vetinari doing anything about this?’

‘I haven’t heard,’ said Ponder. ‘Oh, and Bu-bubble want to interview Mister Nutt. What they call a lifestyle piece.’ He said the words as if trying to hold them at arm’s length.

‘Have people turned up for training?’ said Nutt calmly.

‘Oh, yes. The ground is heaving.’

‘So we’ll go and train them,’ said Nutt. ‘Don’t worry, I won’t twist anybody’s head off.’

‘No, don’t make jokes,’ said Glenda. ‘I think this could be terribly bad.’

‘We know something’s going on with the teams,’ said Ponder. ‘And there were lots of fights during the night.’

‘About what?’