Unseen Academicals

‘And the reason I am doing this, Mister Shank, is that I am a bastard. I am an old bugger. I am a sod. They let you get away with it because they were nice people and, you know, the world needs someone like me to set the balance square. Since before you were born I have known people like you. Tormentors, bullies and thieves. Ah yes, thieves. Thieves of other people’s self-respect. Thieves of their peace of mind. Now Mister Nutt, he’s an orc and I’ve heard that he can talk people better. Well, so be it, say I. If it works, he’s a genius, but that don’t square things, not in my book, so I thought you ought to meet Pepe, just to say hello. If I ever see you again, they’ll never find all the pieces, but just to show that I have a decent streak, here’s something to put on your wounds.’

Something landed softly near Andy’s groping hand.

Andy, dripping blood and snot on to the pavement, reached around quickly as the trim little footsteps disappeared, thinking only of getting the blood out of his eyes and revenge and retribution out of his heart. And in the circumstances, therefore, he should not have wiped the half-lemon across his face.

You think it’s all over?

It is a regrettable fact that when two people are dining at a very large and impressive dining table they sit at the opposite ends of the long axis. This is incredibly stupid and makes conversation difficult and the passing of food impossible, but even Lord Vetinari and Lady Margolotta had apparently signed up to the idea.

On the other hand, they both ate very little and so there wasn’t very much to pass.

‘Your secretary seems to be getting on very well with my librarian,’ said Lady Margolotta.

‘Yes,’ observed Vetinari. ‘Apparently they are comparing ring binders. He has invented a new one.’

‘Well, for the proper working of the world,’ said Lady Margolotta, ‘it is essential that ring binders are important to at least one person.’ She put down her glass and looked towards the door.

‘You seem nervous,’ said Vetinari. ‘Are you wondering how he will come?’

‘He has had a very long day and a remarkably successful one. And you say he’s gone to an amateur dramatics performance?’

‘Yes, with that very forthright young lady who makes the pies,’ said Vetinari.

‘I see,’ said Lady Margolotta. ‘He must know I am here and he’s gone off with a cook?’

There was just a trace of a smile on Vetinari’s lips. ‘Not any cook. A genius amongst cooks.’

‘Well, I must admit to being surprised,’ said her ladyship.

‘And upset?’ said Vetinari. ‘A little jealous, perhaps?’

‘Havelock, you go too far!’

‘Would you expect otherwise? Besides, you must surely realize that his triumph is yours too?’

‘Did I tell you that I’ve seen some of them?’ said Margolotta after a while.

‘The orcs?’

‘Yes. They really are wretched. Of course, people say that about the goblins and while it is true that they religiously save their own snot, and, frankly, just about everything else, at least there is a logic to it.’

‘Well, a religious logic, at least,’ murmured Vetinari. ‘They tend to be quite stretchable.’

‘The Igors made them from men, did you know?’

Vetinari, still holding his glass, walked to the other end of the table and picked up the pepperpot. ‘No. However, now you tell me, it’s patently obvious. Goblins would not have been nearly ferocious enough.’

‘And they had nothing,’ said Margolotta. ‘No culture, no legends, no history — he could give them those.’

‘Everything they are not, he is,’ said Vetinari, adding, ‘but that’s an enormous weight you’re putting on his shoulders.’

‘How much is on mine? How much of a weight is on yours?’

‘It’s rather like being a carthorse,’ said Vetinari. ‘After a while one ceases to notice, it’s just the way of life.’

‘They deserve their chance and it must be taken now, while the world is at peace.’

‘Peace?’ said Vetinari. ‘Ah, yes, defined as a period of time to allow for preparation for the next war.’

‘Where did you learn such cynicism, Havelock?’

Vetinari spun around and began his absent-minded walk along the length of the table again. ‘Well, mostly from you, madam, though I have to say that the credit is not all yours, since I have had an extended period of further education as tyrant of this city.’

‘I think you allow them too much freedom.’

‘Oh, yes, I do. That’s why I am still tyrant of this city. The way to retain power, I have always thought, is to ensure the absolute unthinkability of oneself not being there. I shall help you in any way I can, of course. There should be no slaves, even slaves to instinct.’

‘One person can make a difference,’ said Margolotta. ‘Look at Mister Shine who is now Diamond King of Trolls. Look at yourself. If men can fall—’

Vetinari gave a sharp laugh. ‘Oh, they can, indeed.’

‘—then orcs can rise,’ said Margolotta. ‘If that is not true then the universe is not true.’

There was a velvet-like knock at the double doors and Drumknott entered. ‘Mister Nutt is here, sir.’ He added with a certain disdain, ‘And he’s with that … woman, who cooks in the university.’