Unseen Academicals

He spotted that one for the desperate throw it was. ‘What would be in it for me?’ he said. ‘Do you think I want to be here?’

Constable Haddock cleared his throat. ‘It’s match night, sarge. The desk is heaving and there are supporters roaming around all over the place and someone’s been feeding them a lot of rumours. We’re stretched, that’s all I’m saying. We’ve had a couple of big shouts already. And he did walk away, after all.’

‘Not a problem for me,’ said the doctor. ‘Came in horizontal, went out upright. It’s the preferred way. And I’ve got to get back, sergeant. We’re going to have a busy night, too.’

The sergeant looked for someone to shout at, and there was Trev.

‘You! Trev Likely. This one’s down to you! Go and find your chum. And if there’s any more trouble, there’ll be … trouble. Is that clear?’

‘Twice, sarge.’ He couldn’t resist it, he just couldn’t, not even with the cold sweat rolling down his spine. But he felt light … uplifted … released. But some people just can’t respect an epiphany when you’re having one. It’s not a cop skill.

‘It’s sergeant to you, Likely! Here!’

Trev managed to catch the favour as it was skimmed across the room.

‘Thanks, sarge!’

‘Get out!’

He got out, and was half expecting the shadowy shape that stepped up to him when he was clear of the building. There was a faint odour in the grey air. Well, at least it wasn’t Andy. He could do without Andy right now.

‘Yes, Carter?’ he said to the fog.

‘How did you know it was me?’

Trev sighed. ‘I guessed.’ He started to walk fast.

‘Andy’ll want to know what you said.’

‘Don’t worry, it’s sorted.’

‘Sorted! How?’ Carter, always a bit overweight, had to scurry to keep up.

‘Not going to tell you.’ Oh, the joy of the moment.

‘But can I tell him we’re in the clear?’

‘It’s all sorted! Done and dusted! I blew it out. It’s fixed. All gone away. It never happened.’

‘Are you sure?’ said Carter. ‘He was pretty busted up.’

‘Hey, what can I tell you?’ Trev flung out his arms and twirled a pirouette. ‘I’m Trev Likely!’

‘Well, that’s firm, then. Hey, I bet Andy’ll let you back in the Posse now. That would be great, eh?’

‘Do you know what Nutt thought the Posse was called, Carter?’

‘No. What?’

Trev told him.

‘Well, that’s—’ Carter began, but Trev interrupted.

‘It’s funny, Carter. It’s funny, and sort of sad and hopeless. It really is.’ Trev stopped walking so abruptly that Carter collided with him. ‘And here’s a tip: Carter the Farter isn’t gonna take you anywhere. And that goes for the Fartmeister, too. Trust me.’

‘But everybody calls me Carter the Farter,’ the Fartmeister wailed.

‘Punch the next one who does. See a doctor. Cut down on carbohydrates. Keep out of confined spaces. Use aftershave,’ said Trev, speeding up again.

‘Where are you going, Trev?’

‘I’m gettin’ out of the Shove!’ Trev called over his shoulder.

Carter looked around desperately. ‘What Shove?’

‘Haven’t you heard? It’s all Shove!’

Trev wondered if he glowed as he trotted through the fog. Things were going to be different. As soon as Smeems got in, he’d go and see him about a better job or something …

A figure appeared out of the mist ahead of him. This was something of an achievement since the figure was a head shorter than him.

‘Mithter Likely?’ it said.

‘Who’s askin’?’ said Trev and added, ‘What’s askin’?’

The figure sighed. ‘I underthtand that you are a friend of the gentleman rethently admitted to the hothpital,’ it said.

‘What’s that to you?’

‘Quite a lot,’ said the figure. ‘May I athk if you know very much about the gentleman?’

‘I don’t have to talk to you,’ said Trev. ‘Everything’s been fixed, okay?’

‘Would that thith wath the cathe,’ said the figure. ‘I have to talk to you. My name ith Igor.’

‘You know, I had a feelin’ about that. Are you the one who made the sandwich for Nutt?’ asked Trev.

‘Yeth. Tuna, thpaghetti and jam, with thprinkleth. My thignature dith. Do you know anything about hith background?’

‘Not a thing, mister.’

‘Really?’

‘Look. In the vats you stir up tallow, not the past, okay? You just don’t, right? I know he’s had some bad times, an’ that’s all I’m telling you.’

‘I thought tho,’ said Igor. ‘I believe he cometh from Uberwald. Thome thtrange and dangerouth thingth come from Uberwald.’

‘This might sound a stupid question, but do you come from Uberwald, by any chance?’ said Trev.

‘Thinth you athk, yeth,’ said Igor.

Trev hesitated. You saw Igors around occasionally. The only thing most people knew was that they could stitch you up even better than the Watch and did strange things in cellars and only tended to come out much when there were thunderstorms.

‘I think your friend may be very dangerouth,’ said Igor.

Trev tried to picture Nutt as dangerous. It was quite hard until you remembered a throw that knocked down a whole goal post half a street away. He wished he didn’t.

‘Why should I listen to you? How do I know you are not dangerous?’ he said.

‘Oh, I am,’ said Igor, ‘believe me. And Uberwald containth thingth that I would not want to meet.’