Unseen Academicals

‘Again?’ said the skeleton, handing the mug to the doctor. It had a rather hoarse voice, but on the whole far less dreadful than it might have been. Apart from anything else, his bones were, well, apart from anything else, and floated in the air as if they were the only visible parts of an invisible body. The jaw moved as Charlie went on: ‘Well, I think we’ve still got the memory in the sump ’cos, you remember, we called it up for Ridcully. I haven’t got round to wiping it yet.’

‘Memory of what?’ said Glenda.

‘It’s a kind of magic,’ said Hix loftily. He continued. ‘It would take too long to explain.’

Glenda didn’t like this. ‘Let’s have it in a nutshell, then.’

‘Okay. We’re now quite certain that what we call the passage of time is in fact the universe being destroyed and instantly rebuilt in the smallest instant of eventuality that it is possible to have. While the process is instant at every point, nevertheless to renew the whole Universe takes approximately five days, we believe. Interestingly enough—’

‘Can I have it in a smaller nut?’

‘So you don’t want to hear about Houseman’s theory of the Universal Memory?’

‘Possibly the size of a walnut,’ said Glenda.

‘Very well, then, can you imagine this: current thinking is that the old universe is not destroyed in the instant the new universe is created, a process which, incidentally, has been happening an untold billion number of times since I have been talking—’

‘Yes, I can believe that. Can we try for a pistachio?’ said Glenda.

‘Copies of the universe are kept. We don’t know how, we don’t know where, and it beats the hell out of me trying to imagine how it all works. But we’re finding that it is sometimes possible to, er, read this memory in certain circumstances. How am I doing in terms of nut dimensions?’

‘You’ve got some kind of magic mirror?’ said Glenda flatly.

‘That’s it, if you want the size of a pine nut,’ said Hix.

‘Pine nuts are actually seeds,’ said Glenda smugly. ‘So, what you’re saying is that everything that happens stays happened somewhere and you can look at it if you have the knowing?’

‘That is a magnificent distillation of the situation,’ said Hix. ‘Which is incredibly helpful while at the same time inaccurate in every possible way. But, as you put it, we use a’–and here he gave a little shudder–‘magic mirror, as you put it. We recently looked at the battle of Orc Deep for the Archchancellor. That was the last known battle in which the race known as orcs were deployed.’

‘Deployed?’ said Glenda.

‘Used,’ said Hix.

‘Used? And you can find something like that in the total history of everything there has ever been?’

‘Ahem. It helps to have an anchor,’ said Hix. ‘Something that was present. And all I am going to tell you, young lady, is that there was a piece of a skull found on that battlefield, and since it was a skull that firmly puts it into the responsibility of my department.’ He turned to the Librarian. ‘It’s okay to show her, isn’t it?’ he said. The Librarian shook his head. ‘Good. That means I can do it, then, under university statute. A certain amount of surreptitious disobedience is demanded of me. We have it set up on an omniscope. Since my colleague is so certain that I should not be doing this, he will not mind if I do. It’s only a very brief fragment of time, but it did impress the Archchancellor, if impress is the right word.’

‘I just want to get something clear,’ said Glenda. ‘You can actually disobey the orders of someone like the Archchancellor?’

‘Oh, yes,’ said Hix. ‘I am under instruction to do so. It is expected of me.’

‘But how can that possibly work?’ said Glenda. ‘What happens when he gives you an instruction that he doesn’t want you to disobey?’

‘It works by common sense and good will on all sides,’ said Hix. ‘If, for example, the Archchancellor gives me a command that absolutely must not be disobeyed, he will add something like, “Hix, you little worm (by university statute), if you disobey this one, I’ll smack your head.” Though in reality, a word to the wise, madam, is sufficient. It’s all done on the basis of trust, really. I am trusted to be untrustworthy. I don’t know what the Archchancellor would do without me.’

‘Yeah, right,’ said Charlie, grinning.

A few minutes later, Glenda was in another dark room, standing in front of a round, dark mirror, at least as high as she was. ‘Is this going to be like the Moving Pictures?’ she said sarcastically.

‘An amusing comparison,’ said Hix. ‘Except for, one, there is no popcorn and, two, you would not want to eat it if there was. What might be called the camera in this case was the last thing one of the human fighters saw.’

‘Is this the person whose skull you’ve got?’

‘Well done! I see you have been following things,’ said Hix.

There was a moment of silence. ‘This is going to be scary, isn’t it?’

‘Yes,’ said Hix. ‘Nightmares? Very probably. Even I think it’s extremely disconcerting. Are you ready, Charlie?’

‘Ready,’ said Charlie, from somewhere in the darkness. ‘Are you sure, miss?’