Unseen Academicals

‘Listen.’ This was Juliet. ‘Can’t you ’ear it?’

‘Hear what?’ said Glenda.

‘Nothing,’ said Juliet.

‘Well?’

‘What happened to Awk! Awk!?’

‘I think we’ll find them where we find him,’ said Trev.

‘Well, he can’t run all the way back to Uberwald,’ said Glenda. ‘You couldn’t.’

At last Glenda said it: ‘I think we should go after him.’

‘I’ll come,’ said Trev.

‘Then I’m goin’ to come, too,’ insisted Juliet. ‘Besides, I’ve still got the money and you’re goin’ to need it.’

‘Your money’s in the bank,’ said Glenda, ‘and the bank is shut. But I think I’ve got a few dollars in my purse.’

‘Then, excuse me,’ said Trev, ‘I won’t be a moment. I think there’s somethin’ we ought to take… ’

The driver of the horse bus to Sto Lat looked down and said, ‘Two dollars fifty pence each.’

‘But you only go to Sto Lat,’ said Glenda.

‘Yes,’ said the man calmly. ‘That’s why it says Sto Lat on the front.’

‘We might ’ave to go a lot further,’ said Trev.

‘Just about every coach in this part of the world goes through Sto Lat,’ he said.

‘How long will it take to get there?’

‘Well, this is the late-night bus, okay? It’s for people who’ve got to be in Sto Lat early and haven’t got much money, and there’s the rub, see? The less the money, the slower the travel. We get there in the end. Somewhere around about dawn, in fact.’

‘All night? I think I could walk it faster.’

The man had the quiet, friendly air about him of someone who had found the best way to get through life was never to give much of a stuff about anything. ‘Be my guest,’ he said. ‘I’ll wave to you as we go past.’

Glenda looked down the length of the coach. It was half full of the kind of people who took the overnight bus because it wasn’t very expensive; the kind of people, in fact, who had brought their own dinner in a paper bag, and probably not a new paper bag at that.

The three of them huddled. ‘It’s the only one we can afford,’ said Trev. ‘I don’t think we can even afford travel for one on the mail coaches.’

‘Can’t we try and bargain with him?’ said Glenda.

‘Good idea,’ said Trev. He walked back to the coach.

‘Hello again,’ said the driver.

‘When are you gonna leave?’ said Trev.

‘In about five minutes.’

‘So everyone who’s gonna be riding is on the coach.’

Glenda glanced past the driver. The passenger behind him was very meticulously peeling a hardboiled egg.

‘Could be,’ said the driver.

‘Then why not leave right now,’ said Trev, ‘and go faster? It’s very important.’

‘Late-night,’ said the driver. ‘That’s what I said.’

‘Supposing I was to threaten you with this lead pipe, would you go any faster?’ said Trev.

‘Trevor Likely!’ said Glenda. ‘You can’t go around threatening people with lead pipes!’

The driver looked down at Trev and said, ‘Can you run that past me again?’

‘I told you that I had this length of lead pipe,’ said Trev, banging it gently against the bus’s door. ‘Sorry, but we really need to get to Sto Lat.’

‘Oh, right, yes,’ said the driver, ‘I see your lead pipe,’ and he reached down to the other side of his seat, ‘and I will raise you this battle-axe and would remind you that if I were to cut you in arf, the law would be on my side, no offence meant. You must think I am some kind of fool, but you’re all hopping about like nits on a griddle, so what’s this all about then?’

‘We’ve got to catch up with our friend. He could be in danger,’ said Trev.

‘And it’s very romantic,’ said Juliet.

The driver looked at her.

‘If you ’elp us catch up wiv him, I’ll give you a big kiss,’ she said.

‘There!’ said the driver to Trev. ‘Why didn’t you think of that?’

‘All right, I’ll give you a kiss as well,’ said Trev.

‘No thanks, sir,’ said the driver, clearly enjoying himself. ‘In your case I think I’ll go for the lead pipe, although please don’t try anything ’cos it’s a devil’s own job to get the bloodstains off the seats. Nothing seems to shift them.’

‘Okay, I’ll try to hit you with the lead pipe,’ said Trev. ‘We’re desperate.’

‘And we’ll give you some money,’ said Juliet.

‘Sorry?’ said the driver. ‘Do I get the kiss, the money and the lead pipe? I mean, I’d rather forgo the lead pipe for another kiss.’

‘Two kisses, a whole three dollars and no lead pipe,’ said Juliet.

‘Or just the lead pipe and I’ll take my chances,’ said Trev.

Glenda, who had been watching them with a fascinated horror, said, ‘And I’ll give you a kiss as well if you like.’ She couldn’t help noticing that this didn’t move the stakes either way.

‘But what about my passengers?’ said the driver.

All four of them looked into the back of the bus and realized that they were the subject of at least a dozen fascinated stares. ‘Go for the kiss!’ said a woman, holding a large laundry basket in front of her.

‘And the money!’ said one of the men.

‘I don’t give a stuff if she kisses him or hits him on the head with the lead pipe, so long as they drop us off first,’ said an old man towards the back of the bus.

‘Do any of us get kissed as well?’ said one half of a couple of giggling boys.

‘If you like,’ said Glenda viciously. They slumped back into their seats.