Unseen Academicals

‘But taking it all in all, I would think a force of between three to five Kilobunns should do the trick.’ He paused. ‘Just my little joke, Andy. I know you like a laugh. I would also, I believe, be quite capable of putting one hand down your throat and pulling out your stomach.’

‘Go ahead,’ croaked Andy.

And around the arena of the Hippo, the beast smelled blood. After all, it wasn’t just horse racing that had taken place in the Hippo over the centuries. The comparatively small amount of blood that had been shed today was nothing compared with the oceans of the centuries gone by, but the beast knew blood when it smelled it. The cheering and the chanting now picked up, and the words grew louder and louder as people rose to their feet: Orc! Orc! Orc!

Nutt stood impassively and then turned to the former Dean. ‘Could I please ask everyone else to leave? This may become messy.’

‘Oh, come on!’ said Trev. ‘No way.’

‘Ah, well,’ said Nutt, ‘maybe just the ladies?’

‘Not likely,’ said Glenda.

‘In that case, would you please be so kind as to lend me your megaphone, referee, and I would be grateful if you would instruct some of the stronger players on the field to restrain Mister Shank who is, I believe, sadly not in his right mind.’

Wordlessly it was handed over. Nutt took it as the storm of Orc! Orc! grew louder, walked a little way from the rest of the group and stood there impassively with his arms folded until the taunting stopped out of sheer lack of momentum. With every eye watching him, he raised the megaphone to his lips and said, ‘Gentlemen. Yes, indeed, I am an orc and will always be one. And may I say that it’s been a privilege to play here today and to see you all. But I do gather now that being an orc in this city may be seen as something of a problem to some of you.’ He paused. ‘So I would ask you to excuse me if I request that this matter be sorted out between us now.’

There was laughter and some jeers from various parts of the ground, but also, it seemed to Glenda, the beast was calling upon itself for silence. In that pin-drop silence the thud of the megaphone hitting the ground could be heard in every corner. Then Nutt rolled up his sleeves and lowered his voice so that people had to strain to listen.

He said, ‘Come on if you think you’re hard enough.’

First there was shock and then the silence of disbelief and the whisper of every head turning to every other head and saying, ‘Did he really say that?’ and then someone high in the stands started to clap, at first slowly and then at an accelerating tempo, as it reached the crowd’s tipping point, when not clapping would be unthinkable. Ceasing to clap was also unthinkable and within a minute the applause was a storm.

Nutt turned back to the rest of the team with tears streaming down his face. ‘Do I have worth?’ he said to Glenda.

She ran towards him and hugged him. ‘You always did.’

‘Then when the match is over there are things we have to do.’

‘But it’s been over for ages,’ said Glenda.

‘No, it’s not over until the referee blows his whistle. Everyone knows that.’

‘By Io he’s right,’ said Ridcully. ‘Go on, Dean. Give it the works!’

The Archchancellor of Brazeneck University felt gracious enough to let that one pass. He put the gigantic whistle to his lips, filled his lungs with air and sent the pea rattling. Despite everything, the shade of Evans the Striped had the last word: ‘NO BOY IS TO FIDDLE ABOUT IN THE SHOWERS!’

As the crowd streamed down from the stands, trampling the now sacred turf, Ridcully tapped a gloomy Mr Hoggett on the shoulder and said, ‘It would be my privilege to change shirts with you, sir.’ He dropped his hat on the ground, pulled off his shirt and revealed a chest so hairy that it looked like two sleeping lions. The United shirt he received in return was somewhat of a tight fit, but that was unimportant because, as Andy had predicted, the Unseen Academicals were indeed picked up by the yelling crowd (except for Mrs Whitlow who fought back) and carried in glory through the city. It was a triumph. Whether you won or lost, it was still a triumph[25].

You think it’s all over?

The wizards of Unseen University knew how to party. Pepe and Madame Sharn[26] were impressed. However, business was business and they had to think about Juliet. ‘I can’t see her anywhere,’ said Madame.

‘I think I saw two of her a while ago,’ said Pepe. ‘These fellows do themselves well–I have never seen such a large cheeseboard. It almost makes celibacy seem worthwhile.’

‘Oh, do you think so?’

‘No. By the way, have you noticed that very tall wizard giving you the eye, my dear?’

‘That’s Professor Bengo Macarona. Do you think he—’ Madame began.

‘Without a shadow of a doubt, my dear. I know he’s hurt his legs, but I doubt if that would be a problem.’

Once again, Madame craned to search the crowd for the glittering figure. ‘I do hope our young model is not getting involved in any hanky panky.’

‘How could she? She’s totally surrounded by admirers.’

‘It’s still possible.’