Unseen Academicals

‘YES. DYING AND THEN AGAIN LIVING. He fished out a life-timer from his robe and watched as the sand fell upwards. SEE YOU LATER, MISTER NUTT. I FEAR THAT YOU WILL HAVE AN INTERESTING LIFE.

‘A Dolly favour on a good Dimmer boy? Gods bless my soul, I say, what can this be about? And you know what? I will find out. It’s all a matter of shoving.’

Trev said nothing. He was out of options. Besides, he had seen the sergeant before, and she always seemed to be looking at his throat.

‘Constable Haddock tells me the Igor’s on duty down at the Lady Sybil. I hope he’s got a heart in his vats that’ll fit your friend, I really do,’ she said. ‘But it’ll still be a murder case, even if he comes walking in here tomorrow. Lord Vetinari’s rules: if it takes an Igor to bring you back, you were dead. Briefly dead, it’s true, which is why the murderer will be briefly hanged. A quarter of a second usually does it.’

‘I didn’t touch ’im!’

‘I know. But you have to keep solid with your mates, right? Jumbo and, of course, Carter, and, oh yes, Andy Shank, your mates, who aren’t here. Look, you are not under arrest–yet–you are helping the Watch with their inquiries. That means you can use the privy, if you’re feeling brave. If you’re feeling suicidal, use the canteen. But if you try to run off I will hunt you down.’ She sniffed and added, ‘Like a dog. Understand?’

‘Can’t I go and see how Nutt is gettin’ on?’

‘No. Kipper’s still down there now. That’s Constable Haddock to you.’

‘Everyone calls him Kipper.’

‘Maybe, but not when it’s you talking to me.’ The sergeant twirled the favour around on the table in an absent-minded way. ‘Has Mister Nutt got any next of kin? That means relatives.’

‘I know what it means. He talks about people in Uberwald. That’s all I know,’ Trev lied instinctively. Saying that someone had spent his youth chained to an anvil was not going to help here. ‘He gets on all right with the other guys in the vats.’

‘How come he’s in there?’

‘We never ask. There’s usually some bad story.’

‘Anyone ever ask you?’

He stared at her. That was coppers for you. They came over all friendly, and just when you dropped your guard they stuck a pickaxe in your brain.

‘Was that an official copper question, or were you just bein’ nosy?’

‘Coppers are never nosy, Mister Likely. However, sometimes we ask tangential questions.’

‘So it wasn’t official?’

‘Not really… ’

‘Then shove it where the sun does not shine.’

Sergant Angua smiled a copper’s smile. ‘You’ve got no card in your hand that you dare play, and you come out with something like that. From Andy, yes, I’d expect it, but Kipper says you’re smart. How smart does someone have to be to be as stupid as you?’

There was a tentative knock at the door and then a watchman put his head around it. Someone was shouting in the background in a large, authoritative voice. ‘—I mean, you deal with this sort of thing all the time, don’t you? For heavens’ sake, it’s not that hard—’

‘Yes, Nobby?’

‘We’ve got a bit of a situation, sarge. That stiff that went to the Lady Sibyl? Doctor Lawn’s here and he says the man’s got up and gone home!’

‘Did they get an Igor to look at him?’

‘Yes. Sort of… er… ’

The watchman was elbowed out of the way by an expansive man in a long green rubber robe who was clearly trying to balance angry and friendly at the same time. He was tailed by Constable Haddock, who was clearly trying to mollify him, and definitely failing.

‘Look, we try to help, all right?’ said Doctor Lawn. ‘You people say you’ve got a murder case and I’ll pull old Igor off his slab and hang the overtime. But you tell Sam Vimes from me that I’d like him to send his boys down when they’re not busy for a bit of first-aid tuition, to wit, the difference between dead and sleeping. It’s a fine line sometimes, but it’s generally possible to spot the clues. The profession has always tended to consider walking about to be among the more reliable, although in this city we’ve learned to look on that as just a very good start. But when we pulled back the sheet he sat up and asked Igor if he had a sandwich, which is generally conclusive. Apart from a fever, he was fine. Strong heartbeat, which suggests he’s got one. Not a scratch on him, but he could certainly do with a good dinner. He must have been hungry because he ate the sandwich Igor made for him. On the subject of dinners, frankly I could do with mine!’

‘You let him go?’ said Sergeant Angua, horrified.

‘Of course! I can’t keep a man in hospital for being inconveniently alive!’

She turned to Constable Haddock. ‘And you let him go, Kipper?’

‘It looked like a case of doctor’s orders, sarge,’ said Haddock, giving Trev a wretched look.

‘He was covered in blood! He was really messed up!’ Trev exploded.

‘A prank, then?’ Angua tried.

‘I’d have sworn there wasn’t a heartbeat, Sergeant,’ Haddock volunteered. ‘Maybe he’s one of those monks from the Hub that do the hocus-pocus stuff.’

‘Then someone has been wasting Watch time,’ said Angua, glaring at Trev.