Unseen Academicals

‘Force is all that’s been tried, Archchancellor Henry. Besides, if they are animals, as some people claim, then they understand nothing, but if, as I am convinced, they are sapient creatures, then some understanding is surely required by us.’

The Patrician took a sip of his beer. ‘I have told this to few people, gentlemen, and I suspect never will again, but one day when I was a young boy on holiday in Uberwald I was walking along the bank of a stream when I saw a mother otter with her cubs. A very endearing sight, I’m sure you will agree, and even as I watched, the mother otter dived into the water and came up with a plump salmon, which she subdued and dragged on to a half-submerged log. As she ate it, while of course it was still alive, the body split and I remember to this day the sweet pinkness of its roes as they spilled out, much to the delight of the baby otters who scrambled over themselves to feed on the delicacy. One of nature’s wonders, gentlemen: mother and children dining upon mother and children. And that’s when I first learned about evil. It is built in to the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, I told myself, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior.’

The two wizards exchanged a glance. Vetinari was staring into the depths of his beer mug and they were glad that they did not know what he saw in there.

‘Is it me or is it rather dark in here?’ said Henry.

‘Good heavens, yes! I forgot about the chandelier!’ exclaimed Ridcully. ‘Where is Mister Nutt?’

‘Here,’ said Nutt, rather closer than Ridcully would have preferred.

‘Why?’

‘I said I would be ready when you needed me, sir.’

‘What? Oh, yes, of course you did.’ He’s short and polite and amazingly helpful, he told himself. Nothing to worry about at all… ‘Well, show us how to light the candles, Mister Nutt.’

‘Could I possibly have a fanfare, sir?’

‘I doubt it, young man, but I will bring the Hall to attention.’

Ridcully picked up a spoon and tapped the side of a wine glass, in the time-honoured ‘Look, everybody, I’m trying to make a loud noise very quietly!’ procedure, which has successfully eluded after-dinner speakers ever since the invention of glasses, spoons and dinners.

‘Gentlemen, pray silence, an expectant one, followed by appreciative applause for the lighting of the chandelier!’

There was the silence.

As a round of applause was followed by some more silence, people turned around in their chairs for a better view of nothing to see.

‘Would you please puff on your pipe and hand it to me, sir?’ said Nutt.

Shrugging, Ridcully did so. Nutt took it, raised it in the air and—

What happened? It was a topic of conversation for days. Did the red fire come up from the pipe or down from the ceiling or simply out of the walls? All that was certain was that the darkness was suddenly fractured by glowing zigzags that vanished in a blink, leaving a total blackness which cleared like the sky at dawn as all at once every candle, in perfect unison, glowed into life.

As the applause began to mount, Ridcully looked along the table at Ponder, who waved his thaumometer, shook his head and shrugged.

Then the Archchancellor turned to Nutt, took him out of earshot of the table and for the benefit of watchers shook him by the hand.

‘Well done, Mister Nutt. Just one thing: that wasn’t magic, because we would know, so how was it done?’

‘Well, initially, dwarfish alchemy, sir. You know, the kind that works? It is how they light the big chandeliers in the caverns under Bonk. I worked that out by tests and analysis. All the candle wicks are connected by a network of black cotton thread, which terminates in one single thread, which barely shows up in this Hall. You see, the thread is soaked in a formula which burns with extreme but brief ferocity when dry. My slightly altered solution burns considerably faster even than that, consuming the thread until it is nothing but gas. It is quite safe. Only the tips of the candle wicks are treated, you see, and they light as normal. You might be interested, sir, in the fact that the flame travels so fast as to be instantaneous by any human measure. Certainly faster than twenty miles a second, I calculate.’

Ridcully was good at looking blank. You couldn’t deal with Vetinari on a regular basis without being able to freeze your expression at will. But, right now, he didn’t have to try.

Nutt looked concerned. ‘Have I failed to achieve worth, sir?’

‘What? Ah. Well.’ Ridcully’s face thawed. ‘A wonderful effort, Nutt. Well done! Er, how did you get hold of the ingredients?’

‘Oh, there is an old alchemy room in the cellars.’

‘Hmm. Well, thank you again,’ said Ridcully. ‘But as Master of this university I must ask you not to talk to anyone about this invention until we have spoken again on the matter. Now, I must get back to the events in hand.’

‘Don’t you worry, sir, I will see that it does not fall into the wrong hands,’ said Nutt, bustling off.