War Torn

Leanne and Jenny stood by the car in front of Leanne’s house. Everything was loaded for the trip to Birmingham. The car was so full of high chairs, travel cots, toys, a pair of sit-on scooters, packs of nappies and suitcases that there was hardly room for the driver. The two small passengers peered from their seats at the back, still and quiet as though they knew something important was happening.Leanne seemed reluctant to drive away.‘I’m scared,’ she said.Jenny was learning not to be surprised by the new Leanne. If the old Leanne knew what fear was, she never would have admitted to it.‘What sort of scared?’ Jenny asked. ‘First date scared? Walking down a dark street and someone’s following you scared?’Leanne drew on her cigarette. She had started smoking again. She did not want the twins to see her so she leaned out of windows or rushed into the garden or hid in the car to smoke. Now, she was leaning against the bonnet with her back to them, as though they wouldn’t notice the smoke if they couldn’t see the cigarette.‘Horror movie scared. Like, when someone goes up the creaky stairs and opens a door and you don’t know what’s behind it? But you know it’s something awful?’Jenny looked at Leanne’s large, unhappy face. Leanne had put on weight. Since Steve’s accident, she could not stop eating. She reported how her sleepless nights were punctuated by frequent trips downstairs to the fridge. She had always been large but the new Leanne did not joke about it or constantly announce to the world that she would be starting a new diet tomorrow.‘Is your mum meeting you at the hospital?’‘At the flat. If she can find it. God knows how she’ll manage to drive through Birmingham, she even gets lost in camp.’There was almost no cigarette left but Leanne seemed to want to smoke it anyway.‘I’d better get going.’ She did not move. ‘Before the boys start yelling.’Jenny put her arms around Leanne. There felt like an ocean of belly between them both.‘Wish I was big for the same reason you are,’ said Leanne.Jenny pulled back in surprise.‘Do you want another one? You always said the twins were more than enough!’Tears were gleaming at the edges of Leanne’s eyes. She sniffed.‘’Course I want one. Now I know I can’t have one.’‘Why not?’ Jenny asked.Leanne sniffed again. ‘How much of him got blown away, Jen? Did it stop at his leg?’Jenny shook her head. ‘Oh, c’mon. If he’d lost his private parts they would have told you!’‘It might all be there, but will any of it work? Now they’ve cut his nerves and blood vessels and things? And what sort of a marriage are we going to have if he can’t . . .? And even if he can, I’m not sure I’ll want to. With a bloke who’s got a stump for a leg.’‘You’ll want to because he’s your Steve and you love him and he’s gorgeous, leg or no leg.’ Jenny’s voice was firm.Leanne looked at her doubtfully.‘Know what you’re doing, Leanne? You’re in the horror movie, walking up the creaky stairs and trying to imagine all the things behind the door. That’s how horror movies work. You scare yourself imagining things that aren’t even there.’‘Yeah.’ Leanne had turned to face the car, its outsize load and the waiting twins. ‘Yeah, well by tonight I’ll know, won’t I?’‘Ring me,’ said Jenny. ‘Just ring me and tell me. I’ll listen.’Leanne sniffed again. She squeezed Jenny’s arm but did not look at her. Jenny knew she was trying not to cry. Leanne climbed in and slammed the door. Her face, behind the wheel, was pale and puffy.She wound down the window.‘I’ve waited to see him so long . . . and now I don’t want to go,’ she said, her voice turning squeaky at the end.‘Go,’ Jenny commanded her. ‘You’ll feel better once you’re on your way.’Vicky, who had been occupied picking daisies from a strip of lawn outside Leanne’s house, came and took her mother’s hand. The pair of them waved as the car drove slowly down the road towards the entrance of the camp.

Chapter Nineteen