Where There's Smoke

Kate let him change the subject. “There wasn’t really any difference. I hoped that she might come out of his shadow, you know? Start living her own life. But she never did. It was like she lost interest in everything. Every time I came home from university, I could see how she’d deteriorated. It was horrible. It was like she was winding down, as though she’d no reason to carry on living without him. She kept all his clothes, all his things, and talked about him as if he was still there. She’d even cook his favourite meals, even stuff she didn’t like, right up to when she died.” She paused, remembering. “I still can’t make up my mind if it was love or not. It never seemed healthy. I always told myself I’d never let anyone dominate me like that.”

“You nearly did, though.”

She glanced at Alex. Two patches of colour burned on his cheeks. “You’re not jealous of Paul, are you?” she asked.

He tried to sound dismissive. “No, of course not.” He avoided her eyes. “I just don’t like to think of you with someone like that, that’s all.”

Part amused, part annoyed, Kate wriggled around until she was facing him. “That’s not a very professional attitude, is it? I thought psychologists were above such things?”

“Perhaps... perhaps I’m not a very good psychologist.” She had the impression that he had changed his mind at the last second about what he was going to say.

“I’d have thought you’d be pretty good,” she said. “You’re a good listener. That’s a lot of what psychology’s about, isn’t it?”

“Oh, yeah. There’s plenty of listening, but that’s about all. Psychologists don’t actually do anything.” His tone was uncharacteristically bitter.

Wanting to pull him out of his suddenly dark mood, Kate bent her head and lightly nipped the flesh of his chest in her teeth. “I’d better keep you busy, then.”

The phone rang later that same evening. Usually she ignored it when Alex was there, letting the answering machine take the message, but this time she was passing when it trilled out. She wavered, tempted to walk past, then reluctantly picked up the receiver.

“Hi, Kate,” Lucy said, cheerfully. “Just thought I’d give you a ring and make sure you weren’t dead.”

Kate felt a prod of conscience. She hadn’t spoken to Lucy since telling her she was meeting Alex for the final time. She glanced involuntarily towards the bedroom. “Sorry, I’ve been meaning to, but—”

“I know, I know, you’ve got a lot on at work. Never mind. Anyway, what happened the other night? Did you see Alex?”

“Uh... yes.”

“How did it go?”

“Okay, I suppose.”

“So that’s it, then? You told him you’re not going to see him any more?” Lucy’s disapproval was obvious.

“Er... he’s here now, actually.”

There was a pause. “Oh, really?” Kate could almost hear her smirking. “The farewell dinner didn’t work out quite as you’d planned, then?” Lucy said.

“Not exactly.”

“Well, I was going to invite you over for lunch tomorrow, but I dare say now you’ll be busy. Unless you wanted to bring Alex as well?”

“Thanks, but I think we’ll pass.”

“I thought you might. Well, give Alex my love — if you’ve any left — and I’ll talk to you next week. Oh, and, Kate?”

“What?”

Lucy was laughing. “Don’t forget to use a contraceptive.”

The irony of her timing wasn’t lost on Kate. She wasn’t sure if waiting until she’d started the donor insemination treatment before sleeping with Alex qualified as perversity or just karma. Whichever, it changed everything.

Kate knew there were issues that had to be faced; about the clinic, about her relationship with Alex. But she couldn’t bring herself to worry about them. Her life, at last, seemed to have achieved its natural, preordained balance. She felt a rightness about it all, a certainty that this was how things were meant to be, that now everything would fall into place.

It seemed inevitable that she would miss her period. She waited several days before mentioning it to Alex. “You said when I first met you that you liked the idea of fatherhood without the responsibility,” she said. “Do you still feel the same way?”

They lay folded around each other in bed. His arm was draped over her in the darkness.

“Why?”

She toyed with the St Christopher on his chest, winding the silver chain around her finger, then off. “It isn’t definite, but I went to the doctor’s today for a pregnancy test.”

She waited. “When will you know?”

“Sometime next week.”

She could have found out sooner, by buying a kit and testing herself. But even if it had been positive, she wouldn’t have entirely believed it. She didn’t want to risk the disappointment of making a mistake. Having it confirmed by a doctor would somehow make it more official. More real.

Kate looked up towards Alex’s face, almost invisible in the dark. “I just want you to know that you’re not under any obligation. This — uh — doesn’t change anything.”

It seemed a long time before he spoke. “It does for me.”

His voice was throaty. Kate let go of the chain. Unable to speak, she laid her head on his chest, glad he couldn’t see the dampness on her cheeks.