Widows

‘Right,’ said Dolly. ‘I’m in the lead van — Linda’s laundry truck — all strapped in, shotgun by my side, sledgehammer by the rear doors. The security wagon’s behind me and you lot are in the van behind the security wagon. Bella, you’ll have your chainsaw and shotgun, Shirley, you’ll have your shotgun, Linda, you’ll be driving.’ Dolly looked at the girls, standing by the side door of her van, listening. ‘Go and stand by the back doors of this van for now. We’ll do everything from the stop to the moment I burst the back doors open.’

Shirley, Linda, and Bella lined up at the back doors of the furniture van. ‘Ready?’ Dolly shouted.

‘Ready,’ Bella shouted back. ‘I’m timing you.’

‘At the twenty-yard marker, I slam the brakes on, the security wagon rams into the back of me, I drive forward, then ram backward, and now the security wagon’s trapped between my van and yours.’

Shirley, over-excited, piped up, ‘I run up to the security wagon and cut their aerial off so they can’t radio for help.’

‘Shut up, Shirley!’ Bella whispered. ‘You don’t do that yet — Dolly hasn’t finished her bit...’

Dolly continued, oblivious to Bella and Shirley, ‘I undo my harness...’

There was a sudden silence. The girls glanced at each other. They closed in on the back doors of the van, and all they could hear was Dolly mumbling ‘fucking thing!’ Bella stopped the stopwatch and they all waited.

Shirley asked. ‘Need a hand with the harn—?’

‘NO!’

They heard the harness buckle drop to the floor. Bella started the stopwatch again.

Dolly shouted, ‘I undo my harness, move to the back doors and...’ with one huge kick from inside, the back doors of the van flung open to reveal Dolly standing there, legs wide apart like a bloke, swinging the sledgehammer above her head. One of the van doors smacked Shirley on the shoulder, sending her flying, and the sledgehammer was so heavy that it topped Dolly over backward.

Bella stopped the stopwatch again. ‘Don’t swing it overarm,’ she said, ‘you swing it underarm, just like you did at the beach.’

Dolly clambered to her feet. ‘Again. From the top.’

The three women stood by the back doors of the van listening to Dolly shouting her routine again. This time, as Dolly kicked the back doors open, she swung the sledgehammer underarm, letting go of it at the end of the swing, sending it flying across the garage and forcing them to dive out of its way. She then swung the shotgun up to her hip, pointed it at the imaginary security wagon and yelled: ‘Stay where you are!’

From where she’d landed on the floor, Bella shouted, ‘Bleedin’ hell, Dolly! You didn’t say you was going to let go of the sledgehammer!’

‘I’m throwing it through the windscreen of the security wagon! Course I’m going to let go of it.’

‘I meant now!’ Bella got to her feet and then helped Linda and Shirley up.

Dolly looked down from the van at them ‘How does it look?’ she asked.

‘Well,’ Linda replied, ‘it’ll look a whole lot more convincing if you take the safety catch off the shotgun.’

‘Oh, for fuck’s sake!’ Dolly cursed as she looked at the shotgun. ‘I get my finger caught every time. You’ll have to help me, Linda.’

Without thinking, Linda stepped forward and talked Dolly through how to remove the safety catch. Bella watched Linda teaching Dolly, with patience and kindness; they could get on when it really mattered. Suddenly she realized what she was actually watching: a shooting arcade worker teaching a convent volunteer how to work a shotgun. She shook her head, put her hand to her mouth and snickered. Sometimes it was hard to believe what they were doing.

Once Dolly had got the hang of the shotgun’s safety catch, Linda returned to stand by Bella and Shirley. ‘Right, let’s hear what you’re going to say,’ she said.

Dolly swung the shotgun up onto her hip and shouted, ‘Don’t move! Guard in the back, show your face at the hatch!’

Three blank faces stared up at Dolly. ‘Is that what you’re going to say?’ Shirley asked.

‘Well, what do you want me to say? “Stick ’em up, this is a raid”?’

‘Come on, you lot, sort it out. I got to go to work.’ Bella said, resetting the stopwatch.

Linda stepped forward again to help. ‘It’s not what you’re saying that’s the issue, it’s your voice. You sound like bleedin’ Bambi! Apart from pissing themselves laughing, the security guards will know it’s a woman’s voice and the cops will be straight onto us.’

‘Can you lower your pitch?’ Shirley suggested. ‘There was a singing round in a beauty competition I entered once and I had to learn how to sing a semi-tone lower than I normally—’

‘DON’T MOVE!’ Dolly bellowed.

Bella shook her head. ‘That’s still Bambi, just louder. Stick something in your mouth and try again.’

Shirley handed Dolly a white hanky with a red ‘S’ embroidered in the corner. Dolly stuffed it into her mouth and this time when she shouted, the words were completely inaudible and she nearly choked herself.

‘Forget it for tonight,’ Dolly said, spitting the hanky out onto the floor. ‘Bella’s got to go anyway.’