Will You Love Me in September

My heart sank. I had hoped that we might sit and talk, for I found great comfort in his company. But I could see the gambling fever was on him and how excited he was at the prospect of indulging in it.

As soon as the meal was over they were impatient to begin. He turned to me and said that he thought I needed an early night, as we must be off at the crack of dawn if we were to reach London the next day.

I felt I was dismissed, and holding my head rather high to feign indifference, I said good night to the company and left them.

Although I was thinking of Dickon and wondering what had become of him, I felt hurt that Lance should prefer the company of these strangers to mine. Why must he always seize every opportunity to risk his money? Moreover, he had left me alone. He had explained to our fellow travelers that I was the niece of General Eversleigh and that he had been commissioned to take me to London-which, he hastened to add, was one of the most pleasurable duties which had ever been assigned to him.

I was unmoved by such blandishments and angry that he should have dismissed me so cursorily, merely so that he could enjoy a gambling game with his new-found friends.

I undressed and went to bed but could not sleep. I kept going over the days I had spent with Dickon, remembering everything he had said and the wonder of discovering the love between us. I likened it to the rising of the sun. First a few streaks of light in the sky and then the sudden emergence and the bursting forth in glory to touch all life with some mystical magic.

The more angry I grew with Lance the more poetic I became about my relationship with Dickon. But I was surprised that even in the midst of my anxieties I should still feel such deep resentment toward Lance.

"He is an inveterate gambler," I told myself. "It is a great flaw in his character.

Oh, he was noble enough when he stood up for the coach people, but I think he did it because it was a gamble to him.”

The night was passing and I had not heard him come upstairs. I went to my door and looked out. All was quiet. I tiptoed along the corridor to his room and opened the door very cautiously. He had not come up, for the room was empty and his bed undisturbed.

So he was still down there gambling with those people. My watch told me it was two o'clock. I returned to my bed and lay there wondering how much he was losing ... or winning.

It was past three o'clock when I heard him come upstairs, quietly tiptoeing. I leaped out of bed, and, opening my door, confronted him.

"Clarissa!" he cried, "Do you realize what time it is?”

He laughed. "Past three?”

"All this time you have been down there ... gambling.”

He came toward me. "Couldn't you sleep?" he asked.

"How could I? I was worried.”

"About me?”

"I was thinking of Dickon.”

"Ah, yes. Well, it was foolish of you. You should have been fast asleep. So you realize that in a few hours we have to be on our way?”

"Did you realize that?”

"I can do with very little sleep.”

"Did you ... win?”

He looked at me ruefully and shook his head. "It was good play, though.”

"So you lost!”

"The hazard of the game, you know.”

"How-how much?”

"Not a great deal.”

"How much?" I repeated.

He laughed. "You look so severe. Well, fifty pounds.”

"Fifty pounds!”

"It was a long session.”

"I think it is foolish. Good night.”

"Clarissa." He took a step toward me and laid his hands on my shoulders. "Thanks for your concern," he said. Then he drew me toward him and kissed me.

I drew back in some confusion.

"Good night," he said quietly. "Go to sleep now. Remember, we leave early.”

Then he went to his room and I went back to mine. He had disturbed me. He had really startled me when he kissed me. I had been very much aware of my scanty apparel, and perhaps my feelings were somehow involved with what I felt for Dickon.

I told myself I was annoyed with Lance and that it was not very gallant of him to have sent me off to bed as though I were a child.

I sank back into my bed. I was cold and still found it hard to sleep, but finally I did so, and almost immediately, it seemed, I was awakened by a knocking on my door informing me that it was time to get up.

We left early, as planned. Lance seemed none the worse for what must have been a very short night for him. He was as merry as ever and prepared to entertain me with stories of his adventures as we rode along.

I could not stop myself referring to the previous night and again expressing my disapproval of his losing so much money.

"You won twenty the night before," I pointed out, "and then lost it ... and more besides.”

"That's how it is with the gambler," he said. "He is spurred on by his winnings, only to lose much more with them.”

"Then surely it is a foolish habit.”

"Indeed you are right. But as you go through life you will discover that so many things which are foolish are also irresistible. That's the tragedy of it.”

"I should have thought a little strength of mind.”

"You are absolutely right ... only it is not a little that is needed in this case but a great deal.”