Witches Abroad

"Hah," said Granny. "Yes. Of course. There's always got to be" - she spat the words - "a happy ending."

A paw tried to grip her ankle.

Granny Weatherwax looked down into the wolf's face.

"Preeees," it growled. "Annn enndinggg? Noaaaow?"

She knelt down, and took the paw.

"Yes?" she said.

"Yessss!"

She stood up again, all authority, and beckoned to the approaching trio.

"Mr Woodcutter?" she said. "A job for you..."

The woodcutter never understood why the wolf laid its head on the stump so readily.

Or why the old woman, the one in whom anger roiled like pearl barley in a bubbling stew, insisted afterwards that it be buried properly instead of skinned and thrown in the bushes. She had been very insistent about that.

And that was the end of the big bad wolf.

It was an hour later. Quite a few of the woodcutters had wandered up to the cottage, where there seemed to be a lot of interesting activity going on. Woodcutting is not a job that normally offers much in the way of diversion.

Magrat was washing the floor with as much magical assistance as could be afforded by a bucket of soapy water and a scrubbing brush. Even Nanny Ogg, whose desultory interest in the proud role of housewife had faded completely just as soon as her eldest daughter was old enough to hold a duster, was cleaning the walls. The old grandmother, who wasn't entirely in touch with events, was anxiously following both of them around with a saucer of milk. Spiders who had inherited the ceiling for generations were urged gently but firmly out of the door.

And Granny Weatherwax was walking around the clearing with the head woodcutter, a barrel-chested young man who clearly thought he looked better in his studded leather wristlets than was, in fact, the case.

"It's been around for years, right?" he said. "Always lurking around the edges of villages and that."

"And you never tried talking to it?" said Granny.

"Talk to it? It's a wolf, right? You don't talk to wolves. Animals can't talk."

"Hmm. I see. And what about the old woman? There's a lot of you woodcutters. Did you ever, you know, drop in to see her?"

"Huh? No fear!"

"Why?"

The head woodcutter leaned forward conspiratorially.

"Well, they say she's a witch, right?"

"Really?" said Granny. "How do you know?"

"She's got all the signs, right?"

"What signs are those?"

The woodcutter was pricked by a slight uneasiness.

"Well... she's... she lives all by herself in the wood, right?"

"Yes... ?"

"And... and... she's got a hook nose and she's always muttering to herself..."

"Yes... ?"

"And she's got no teeth, right?"

"Lawks," said Granny. "I can see where you wouldn't want to be having with the likes of her, right?"

"Right!" said the woodcutter, relieved.

"Quite likely turn you into just about anything as soon as look at you, right?" Granny stuck her finger in her ear and twiddled it reflectively.

"They can do that, you know."

"I bet they can. I bet they can," said Granny. "Makes me glad there's all you big strong lads around. Teh, tch. Hmm. Can I have a look at your chopper, young man?"

He handed over his axe. Granny sagged dramatically as she grasped it. There were still traces of wolf blood on the blade.

"Deary me, it's a big one," she said. "And you're good with this, I expect."

"Won the silver belt two years running at the forest revels," said the woodcutter proudly.

"Two years running? Two years running? Lawks. That is good. That's very good. And here's me hardly able to lift it." Granny grasped the axe in one hand and swung it inexpertly. The woodcutter jumped backwards as the blade whirred past his face and then buried itself a quarter of an inch deep in a tree.

"Sorry about that," said Granny Weatherwax. "Aren't I a daft old woman! Never was any good with anything technical!"

He grinned at her, and tried to pull the axe free.

He sank to his knees, his face suddenly white.

Granny leaned down until she was level with his ear.

"You could have seen to the old woman," she said quietly. "You could have talked to the wolf. But you didn't, right?"

He tried to speak, but his teeth didn't seem to want to part.

"I can see you're very sorry about all that," she said. "I can see you're seein' the error of your ways. I bet you can't wait to be up and repairing her cottage for her, and getting the garden back in good order, and seeing she has fresh milk every day and a good supply of wood, right? In fact I wouldn't be surprised if you wasn't generous enough to build her a new cottage, with a proper well an' all. Somewhere near the village so she don't have to live alone, right? You know, I can see the future sometimes and I just know that's what's goin' to happen, right?"

Sweat ran off his face. Now his lungs didn't seem to be operating, either.