Witches Abroad

She handed the slipper to the Prince, but without taking her eyes off Granny.

"It'll fit her," she said.

Two of the courtiers held Magrat's leg as the Prince wrestled the slipper past her protesting toes.

"There," said Lily, still without looking down. "And do stop trying that hedge-witch hypnotism on me, Esme."

"It fits," said the Prince, but in a doubtful tone of voice.

"Yes, anything would fit," said a cheerful voice from somewhere towards the back of the crowd, "if you were allowed to put two pairs of hairy socks on first."

Lily looked down. Then she looked at Magrat's mask. She reached out and pulled it off.

"Ow!"

"Wrong girl," said Lily. "But it still doesn't matter, Esme, because it is the right slipper. So all we have to do is find the girl whose foot it fits - "

There was a commotion at the back of the crowd. Courtiers parted, revealing Nanny Ogg, oil-covered and hung with spider webs.

"If it's a five-and-a-half narrow fit, I'm your man," she said. "Just let me get these boots off..."

"I wasn't referring to you, old woman," said Lily coldly.

"Oh, yes you was," said Nanny. "We know how this bit goes, see. The Prince goes all round the city with the slipper, trying to find the girl whose foot fits. That's what you was plannin'. So I can save you a bit of trouble, how about it?"

There was a flicker of uncertainty in Lily's expression.

"A girl," she said, "of marriageable age."

"No problem there," said Nanny cheerfully.

The dwarf Casanunda nudged a courtier proudly in the knees.

"She's a very close personal friend of mine," he said proudly.

Lily looked at her sister.

"You're doing this. Don't think I don't know," she said.

"I ain't doing a thing," said Granny. "It's real life happening all by itself."

Nanny grabbed the slipper out of the Prince's hands and, before anyone else could move, slid it on to her foot.

Then she waggled the foot in the air.

It was a perfect fit.

"There!" she said. "See? You could have wasted the whole day."

"Especially because there must be hundreds of five-and-a-half-‘

" - narrow fit - "

" - narrow fit wearers in a city this size," Granny went on. "Unless, of course, you happened to sort of go to the right house right at the start. If you had, you know, a lucky guess?"

"But that'd be cheatin'," said Nanny.

She nudged the Prince.

"I'd just like to add," she said, "that I don't mind doin' all the waving and opening things and other royal stuff, but I draw the line at sleepin' in the same bed as sunny jim here."

"Because he doesn't sleep in a bed," said Granny.

"No, he sleeps in a pond," said Nanny. "We had a look. Just a great big indoor pond."

"Because he's a frog," said Granny.

"With flies all over the place in case he wakes up in the night and fancies a snack," said Nanny.

"I thought so!" said Magrat, pulling herself out of the grip of the guards. "He had clammy hands!"

"Lots of men have clammy hands," said Nanny. "But this one's got ‘em because he's a frog."

"I'm a prince of blood royal!" said the Prince.

"And a frog," said Granny.

"I don't mind," said Casanunda, from somewhere down below. "I enjoy open relationships. If you want to go out with a frog, that's fine by me..."

Lily looked around at the crowd. Then she snapped her fingers.

Granny Weatherwax was aware of a sudden silence.

Nanny Ogg looked up at the people on either side of her. She waved a hand in front of a guard's face.

"Coo," she said.

"You can't do that for long," said Granny. "You can't stop a thousand people for long."

Lily shrugged. "They're not important. Whoever will remember who was at the ball? They'll just remember the flight and the slipper and the happy ending."

"I've told you. You can't start it again. And he's a frog. Even you can't keep him in shape the whole day long. He turns back into his old shape at night. He's got a bedroom with a pond in it. He's a frog," said Granny flatly.

"But only inside," said Lily.

"Inside's where it counts," said Granny.

"Outside's quite important, mind," said Nanny.

"Lots of people are animals inside. Lots of animals are people inside," said Lily. "Where's the harm?"

"He's a frog."

"Especially at night," said Nanny. It had occurred to her that a husband who was a man all night and a frog all day might be almost acceptable; you wouldn't get the wage packet, but there'd be less wear and tear on the furniture. She also couldn't put out of her mind certain private speculations about the length of his tongue.

"And you killed the Baron," said Magrat.

"You think he was a particularly nice man?" said Lily. "Besides, he didn't show me any respect. If you've got no respect, you've got nothing."

Nanny and Magrat found themselves looking at Granny.

"He's a frog."

"I found him in the swamp," said Lily. "I could tell he was pretty bright. I needed someone... amenable to persuasion. Shouldn't frogs have a chance? He'll be no worse a husband than many. Just one kiss from a princess seals the spell."

"A lot of men are animals," said Magrat, who'd picked up the idea from somewhere.

"Yes. But he's a frog," said Granny.