Without warning

He felt like he was trapped in some absurdist Eastern European play, one of those fuck-awful theatre-of-pain things he’d seen with Barb when they first started dating. Man, the things you do to get laid.

‘Okay,’ said Banks. ‘That’ll be fine. If you could fax it through to me on this number.’ He handed Kipper a card. ‘I’m afraid I do have to report it, sir. But if you’ve got that statement you’ll be okay.’

‘Great,’ replied Kip.

The cops gave the cellar another once-over but seemed satisfied and picked their way through the clutter back towards the stairs. Kipper moved back and aside to let them up. He could smell the heady aroma of cocoa wafting in from the kitchen and hear the muffled voices of the troops as they thanked his wife. Banks and Curlewis then checked every room on the ground floor before moving towards the staircase up to the bedrooms.

‘My daughter’s room is the first on the right,’ said Kip softly. ‘If you could just, you know, be quiet up there

The three of them stepped lightly up the stairs and carefully pushed Suzie’s door ajar. She was wrapped up in her Barbie quilt, with just a tuft of hair poking out. He could see that her room, normally quite neat, was an utter shambles, with toys all over the floor and clothes strewn everywhere. Banks gestured to his younger, more agile partner to get down and check under the bed, which Curlewis did by shining a light under there.

He shook his head. ‘No bogeymen. No terrorists.’

The room had no cupboards – always a source of frustration to Barb – but every drawer in Suzie’s dresser was open, with items of clothing hanging out. The lid was off her jumbo toybox, which had been crammed full of furry friends, dress-up costumes and an inflatable Barney the Dinosaur.

‘Sorry about the mess,’ Kip whispered. ‘Kids, you know.’

Banks rolled his eyes. ‘I got three.’

The officers searched the other bedrooms and the bathroom, but without success. At last, with Kip’s heart fit to burst out of his rib cage, the sergeant flicked off his torch.

‘Think your wife has any cocoa left?’ he asked.

‘There’s always some to spare,’ said Kipper.

* * * *

They didn’t stay much longer. Just another five minutes, enough time for them to throw down a hot drink before heading out into the hard chill of the night. Barb smiled and waved them all the way down the drive, keeping her mask in place until she’d come back inside and closed the door. Then her act fell apart, and she rushed to the sink and vomited up a stomachful of warm cocoa.

Kipper quickly flicked off the lights so that they couldn’t be seen from outside. ‘Holy shit,’ he breathed. ‘Where the fuck is Barney?’

‘Toy box, in Suzie’s bedroom. I stashed him in there. Covered in Barbies and fairy wings. God, he’s so fucking big, I didn’t think he was going to fit in… Oh man, I have never been so fucking glad we got the monster-size toy box,’ she grunted before hurling again.

Barb took a few seconds to gather herself. Kipper rubbed the back of her neck. ‘I told Suzie it was a game,’ she said, ‘that she had to pretend to be asleep… Oh my God, Kip, what the hell was that about?’

‘I’d better go get the Scarlet Pimpernel and let him tell you himself,’ he said.

‘Better wait a while first, honey,’ she replied, wiping flecks of brown drool from her chin. ‘In case they come back.’

But they didn’t. Kipper peeked out once and saw them knocking on the door at Mrs Heinemann’s place. They seemed to be working the whole street, which gave him some confidence that he hadn’t been specifically targeted.

He gave it fifteen excruciating minutes before hurrying upstairs to rescue his friend. Suzie had fallen asleep for real while Barney stayed hidden in her toy stash. His legs had cramped painfully and he’d had a lot of trouble breathing in there. He emerged with a flushed purple complexion and a plastic tiara on his head.

‘You see, Kip? You see what we’ve been reduced to?’ he said, after he’d finished gasping for air.

Kip put one finger to his lips to quiet him down. ‘Don’t wake Suzie. Come on, we have to get you out of here.’

‘I’m sorry, Kip, I’m real sorry,’ Tench whispered. ‘I shouldn’t have come. I’m gonna get you in trouble.’

‘Just shut up, Barn, and come out of Suzie’s room.’

Barb was waiting outside in the hallway, looking terrified but angry with it. ‘What the hell was all that about?’ she said, repeating her earlier question.

‘They were looking for me,’ Barney admitted, shamefacedly.

‘No shit, Sherlock? What the fuck’s going on, Kip? Barney?’

‘Just what I said would happen,’ their visitor replied. He grabbed Kipper by the elbow. ‘I can’t thank you enough for helping me back there, Kip. But more people need help – they need your help, buddy. What d’you think now?’

Kip didn’t answer. He was looking at his wife’s eyes.

Her frightened, haunted eyes.

* * * *

46 18TH ARRONDISSEMENT, PARIS