You Don't Know Me

One of the first things I did was to go round to her flat to pick up some things for her. Some clothes, yes, but mainly something for her to read. She needed her books round her. To her they were like her friends. Or family even. It’s weird I know, but book people are weird, trust me.

I waited till it was dark and drove up in the A3 and parked somewhere out of the way but close enough to load it without making too many trips. As I walked up to the door I suddenly had a flashback to that day when I came round looking for her. The door was still splintered at the frame from when I broke in that time and the new lock I had fitted was still there like a surprise I had forgotten about. It was out of place though. It was too new and didn’t fit in with the peeling paint on the door. The key went in smoothly and turned. At first I was half wondering if someone might have already been round there looking for her but the door was still locked. It all looked fine to me. I went in and turned on the light and it flooded the room.

I took a look around and everything was like I remembered it. Maybe something seemed off but I wasn’t sure what exactly. The books all looked like they did when I had left it. Nothing seemed like obviously wrong. I decided it was probably my mind playing me and went into the bedroom and started piling clothes into the bin liners I had brought with me. I had just got two bags full and was moving them into the living room when I saw it. Just out of the corner of my eye. By the window. The net curtain there was like fluttering but I knew no window were open when I left it. I walked over and pulled the curtain back and saw the bottom of it had been smashed in. I looked down at my feet. Glass everywhere. Shit.

I quickly threw some books into a carrier bag and left, locking the door behind me. Then I ran. If someone saw me then someone saw me. It didn’t matter. I could be anyone. A family member. Someone just checking in, taking some stuff. Whatever. What I knew though, was that dem man were looking for her. This weren’t good. I jumped in the car and drove off quickly.

When I got back that night, Kira’s face lit up a little when she saw her books. Then they dimmed right back down again. Wrong books apparently. I told her I would go back and get more for her, but truth was I knew I weren’t going back there again. I didn’t tell her about the break-in. No need to worry her any more than she was already.

I tried other things I thought might help too. Some herbal stuff, St John’s something and some Chinese medicine shit too but it was no good. This wasn’t one of them things that could be medicined. This was one of them things that just had to be mourned over time. She was never going to get over it, just like you never really get over a death. All that happens is that the sorrow gets older. It’s like a light that gets fader and fader. One day after years and years have passed maybe the sorrow is too covered in dust to properly see what it is but it is still there. It’s just harder to see.

I knew that the only thing anybody could do for her was to let her heal as Mum had said. In the first few weeks, believe, I thought it was too late for her. She didn’t eat. She didn’t sleep and she looked grey. When she made any sound at all it was usually to cry or occasionally to scream out. In them moments I felt like my heart had caved in. I can’t even explain it, blood. It was like a deep, deep pain that felt like all my insides were collapsing in on itself. I felt like a demolition building falling to the ground, where it did that collapsing thing. It was like my heart had collapsed from the inside.

In desperation I decided to speak to Bless about it. She already knew something was up after speaking to Mum so I figured it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I spoke to Bless. I picked up the phone and called her. I didn’t have no time for small talk so I got straight to it.

‘She’s in a bad way, sis. I don’t know what to do to bring her out of her head.’

‘J-just give her time. She will get there on her own. She just needs a bit of t-time,’ Bless says quietly.

‘I don’t think time is going to do it Bless. If anything, time is making the shit worse,’ I say, cupping the phone in case Kira can hear me from the next room.

‘Maybe right now it is. But in a few days, or a few w-weeks, she will get better. It’s like being in a tunnel. You don’t know how long it will stay d-dark but if you walk long enough, the light will come. Eventually.’

I didn’t know at that time that Bless was right, but I did know that she knew something about being in tunnels so it gave me hope.

But what I hadn’t counted on was how long them tunnels could be.

Those were days when she wanted to kill herself.