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“What do you want me to do?” asked Tex, who’d said nothing throughout these proceedings. He was looking a little morose, Vesta thought, and she didn’t blame him. First he’d discovered his wife was having an affair with a fitness dude, and now this fitness dude was going to get them all killed. A man would turn morose for a lot less.

“You’re a doctor,” Vesta pointed out. “Can’t you pick that lock and get us out of here? I mean, you operate on people, don’t you? So why should a door be any different?”

Tex barked a curt humorless laugh.“For one thing, I didn’t bring my instruments, and for another, a door is not the same thing as a human, Vesta.”

“Why don’tyou pick that lock?” Alec suggested. “You’re supposed to be a pro at lock picking, you and your neighborhood watch.”

“There’s a learning curve,” said Vesta. “And besides, like Tex I didn’t bring the instruments of my trade.”

She had watched a whole lot of YouTube videos on lock picking and burglarizing, along with Scarlett, but so far hadn’t been able to pick a single lock. It was very annoying.

“What I don’t get is why Randy would suddenly have turned homicidal,” said Chase. “He used to be a fitness guru, and now he’s suddenly decided to become a serial killer instead? That’s a major leap.”

“Yeah, talk about a career change,” said Alec.

“As I understand it,” said Marge, “he spent all of his money on drugs and boyfriends, and now he’s broke and has gone into selling exotic turtles instead. Only there are so many loan sharks gunning for him he had to lie low for a while, until his fortunes turned, so he picked Odelia as the last place anyone would find him, not expecting her to be good at what she does, and now we’ve managed to figure out the truth of who and what he is, and since he can’t have any witnesses running around he needs us all dead.” She sighed a disappointed sigh. “And to think I thought he was thecat’s pajamas. The bee’s knees. The kipper’s knickers. The clam’s cuticles. He really fooled me.”

“I want a divorce,” said Tex now.

Marge looked up in surprise.“What?! What are you talking about?”

“It’s clear to me that you and Randy are having an affair.”

“We arenot having an affair!” said Marge.

“Yes, you are,” said Vesta. “Admit it, Marge. Harriet told me what Chase saw.”

Tex turned to Chase.“What did you see?”

“Well…” said the burly cop.

“Chase saw Marge and Randy,” said Vesta, “naked in his bed, hugging and canoodling, and Marge was crying tears of pure joy. Pure joy, Marge!”

“Oh, for crying out loud!” said Marge.

“Exactly! You cried—loudly!”

“Naked and canoodling in Randy’s bed!” Tex yelled.

“I wasn’t canoodling!”

“But you were crying tears of joy,” said Vesta.

“Look, I wasn’t naked—only Randy was…”

“Oh, my God!” said Tex.

“From the waist up! He’d been admiring himself in the mirror. And we weren’t canoodling—he was merely… comforting me.”

“And you were crying,” Vesta said.

“Tears of ecstasy!” said Tex.

“They were most definitely not tears of ecstasy!” said Marge. “In fact they were tears of regret—regret that after twenty-five years of marriage the spark has gone out of our relationship. You don’t bring me flowers anymore, you don’t take me out to dinner anymore—you simply take me for granted and I’ve frankly had enough!”

“But… I bought you flowers today, and when I wanted to give them to you I find you having a romantic candlelight dinner with Randy!”

“Marge!” said Vesta, looking shocked.

“There were no candles involved,” said Marge, “and the only reason I was having dinner with Randy was because Odelia asked me to.”

“I knew it!”

“She wanted me to try and find out more about him—make him open up to me. So she suggested dinner, and I said why not. At least Randy appreciated me as a woman, whereas you just think of me as a cleaner, a cook, and the person who does your laundry!”

“But, Marge!”

“No, I don’t want to hear it. You want a divorce? Fine. I want a divorce, too.”

“Children, children,” said Vesta soothingly. “This is not the time or the place to talk about getting a divorce. Besides, we’ll all be dead soon, so who cares about divorce?”

“I’m sure the cats will think of something,” said Alec. “They always do, don’t they?”

Her son was right, but somehow Vesta didn’t see what the cats could do against two men and a loaded gun. Things looked pretty bleak, she had to admit, and for the first time in a long while she figured saying a little prayer might not be a bad thing right now.

Chapter 45

“What do we do, Max?” asked Dooley anxiously. “I don’t want our humans to die.”

“No, I don’t want them to die either, Dooley,” I said. But what could we possibly do? Jerry was holding a gun, waving it around a little haphazardly, pointing it this direction and that while he paced the floor like a madman. And Johnny, even though he didn’t have a gun, was far too large for us to attack and do some real damage. Besides, I didn’t really want to do him any damage. He’s a crook, but a likable one. Plus, he likes cats.