A Baumgartner reunion

I found Janie and Henry sitting at the table. Gretchen and Carrie were still dancing, and there was no sign of Brian. I decided to start with that.

“Have you seen Brian?” I asked, sitting next to Janie, addressing the question to her. I had to talk pretty loud to be heard over the music, and that concerned me. Maybe I should wait until we got back to the house?

She shrugged one shoulder, sipping her margarita, but didn’t answer me.

“I thought…” I took a deep breath. “I mean…I saw him. By the bathroom.

In the bathroom.”

“Yeah, where is Brian?” Henry gave me a puzzled look and then glanced toward the bar but Janie pretended she hadn’t heard his words at all.

“I don’t know why you’re so concerned about where he is,” Janie snapped, finally turning to look at me. Her eyes, even in the dimness, flashed angrily. “I mean, what? Are you going down some list? My mom, Gretchen, probably even little Henry over here… do you want to fuck Brian, too?” I actually sat back, gasping as if she’d punched me in the stomach, and it felt as if she had. I couldn’t see anything as I got up from the table and pushed my way blindly toward escape. I heard Henry calling after me, but I didn’t stop.

There were always cabs on the street in Key West-the cabbies made a fortune taking home people who’d had way too much to drink. And, judging from the kindly rastafarian’s response, I’m sure it wasn’t the first time some crying woman had jumped into his cab either.

I gave him the address of the Baumgartner’s’ timeshare and sat back as he pulled away, ignoring Henry calling my name as he burst out of the front door of Captain Tony’s. I couldn’t help my tears and just let them fall onto my bare thighs, staring out at the world passing by in a blur. I was going home to pack, call TJ, and go home, because Janie was right.

A week of experimentation when I was nineteen was different than a woman almost-thirty doing what I was doing. I couldn’t go back-I wasn’t that innocent, naive girl anymore. I was turning into some wanton slut whose only motivation was, apparently, pure pleasure. Was that who I was?

No. Even if it meant losing TJ-my breath went away at the thought and it made me cry harder-this little reunion had to end before anyone got seriously hurt. I, for one, had been hurt more than enough.

I paid the cabbie when he pulled up at the house and just gave him a brief nod when he said, “Hope your night gets better,” as I got out.

If I’d had my own room to run to, I think the whole thing would have ended then and there. I’m sure I would have locked the door, packed, and called TJ on my way to the airport before anyone even knew I’d gone.

But when I got into the house, Doc was sitting on the couch, drinking a beer and watching a movie. I stood in the doorway, hyper-aware of how awful I must look, and he frowned when he looked up and saw me. I couldn’t help but think of the last time I’d come back to the house, a million years ago when I was just a kid, and found Doc alone. I couldn’t help but remember, and I think he did, too.

He was holding me before I could speak, crossing the expanse of the room and pulling me into the circle of arms, whispering softness and kindness into my ears. “Ronnie, Ronnie, sweet Ronnie, it’s okay, whatever it is, it’s okay.” I didn’t believe him, not really, but I wanted to, and instead of doing what I should have done, instead of pushing him away and running as far and fast as I could back to my life, my family, my husband, I wrapped my arms around his waist and sobbed against his shirt.

“I don’t know what to do,” I choked as he led me back toward the couch and pulled me into his lap. If I hadn’t already felt transported back in time to the young, helpless girl I’d been, that would have done it. I rested my head on his shoulder as he rocked me and I cried.

“What is it?” he asked, pulling the tail of his shirt out to wipe at my tears.

“Tell me. You can tell me.”

“I feel like I’m doing everything wrong, “I sniffed. “Everyone seems to want something different from me, and I can’t please everyone. I can’t please anyone! ” He nodded, wiping my tears again-they wouldn’t stop falling-and kissing my forehead. “Is this about you and TJ?”

I looked at him, frowning. “Carrie told you?”

“You’re married, you know what it’s like.” He smiled softly. “Did you really expect her not to tell her husband?”

“I guess not.” I shrugged, looking away, embarrassed now, wondering just how much he knew.

“He’s not asking for more because you’re not enough.” His words made my breath stop.

I shook my head. “That makes no sense.”

“If it was just sex, he’d go find it somewhere else, you know.” Doc’s eyes were dark as he looked at me and I remembered how I used to melt whenever he looked at me. “He wouldn’t consult you at all.”

I thought of Brian and the redhead in the bar. He was just a kid, of course-but cheating was cheating, right? Doc was right about that. If TJ wanted to… I frowned at the thought, shaking my head, trying to make sense of it.