A Deepness in the Sky

"Not exactly. For some things, for the things at the center of my Focus, I probably remember the time better than you."

"But—" She raised her hand, and he was silent.

"I had it easier than you. I was Focused, and something more, though I never consciously realized it and—thank goodness—neither did Brughel or Tomas Nau. I had a world to escape to, a world that I could build out of my translations."

Despite himself: "I wondered. There was so much that seemed to be Dawn Age fantasy. So...that was fiction, not the real Spiders?"

"No. It was as close as we could come to the Spider viewpoint in a human mind. And if you read carefully, you get hints of where it can't be literally true....I think you guessed, Ezr. Arachna was my escape. As a translator, everything about being a Spider was within my Focus. Knowing what it was to be a free Spider consumed us. And when dear Sherkaner understood, even at the beginning when he thought we were machines, it was suddenly a world that accepted us, too."

That was what had undone Nau, and saved them all, but—"But now you are back, Trixia. This isn't the nightmare anymore. We can be together, better than we ever thought!"

She was shaking her head again. "Don't you see, Ezr? We both have changed, and I have changed even more than you, even though I was—" She thought a second. "—even though I spent the years ‘ensorcelled.' See? I do remember what you used to say to me. But Ezr, it's not the same anymore. I and the Spiders, we have a future—"

He tried to keep his voice in an even, persuasive tone, but what came out sounded half-panicked even to his own ears.Dear Lord of Trade, I can'tlose her now! "I know. You're still identifying with the Spiders. We're the aliens to you."

She touched his shoulder. "A little. During the first stages of the deFocus, it was like wakinginto a nightmare. I know how humans look to Arachnans. Pale, soft, grublike. There are pests and food animals like that. But we aren't as gruesome to them as the reverse." She looked up at him and her smile was momentarily wider. "The way you have to turn your head to see is endearing. You don't realize it, but any Arachnan with paternal fur on his back, and most females too, are enthralled when they talk to you close up."

Like the dreams he had had groundside. In Trixia's mind, she was still part Spider. "Trixia, look. I'll come and see you every day. Things will change. You'll get over this."

"Oh, Ezr, Ezr." Her tears floated into the air between them, but she was crying for him and not for herself or for the two of them. "Thisis what I want to be, a translator, a bridge between you all and my new Family."

A bridge.She's not out of Focus. Somehow Pham and Anne had frozen her partway between Focus and freedom. The realization was like a fist in the belly...nausea, followed by rage.

He caught Anne in her new office. "Finish the job, Anne! The mindrot is still running Trixia."

Reynolt's face seemed even paler than usual. He suddenly guessed that she'd been waiting for him. "You know there's no way we can destroy the virus, Ezr. Tune them down, make them dormant, yes, but..." Her voice was tentative, utterly unlike the Anne Reynolt of times past.

"You know what I mean, Anne.She's still in Focus. She's still fixed on the Spiders, on her Focused mission."

Anne was silent. She knew.

"Bring her all the way back, Anne."

Reynolt's mouth twisted, as if stifling physical pain. "The structures are so deep. She'd lose knowledge she's gained, probably her born language talent. She'd be like Hunte Wen."

"But she would befree ! She could learn new things, just like Hunte has."

"I—I understand. Till yesterday, I thought we could bring it off. We were down to triggering the last restructuring—but Ezr, Trixia doesn't want us to take it any further!"

That was just too much, and suddenly Ezr was shouting. "By damn, what do you expect? She's Focused!" He brought his voice down, but the words had the intensity of deadly threat. "I know. You and Pham still need slaves, especially ones like Trixia. You never meant to free her."

Reynolt's eyes grew wide and her features flushed bright red. It was something he had never seen in her, though Ritser Brughel had always turned that shade when he climbed into a towering rage. Her mouth opened and shut but no words came out.

There was a solidthump on the office wall, someone arriving in a hell of a hurry. An instant later, Pham came through the door. "Anne, please. Let me handle this." His voice was gentle. After a moment, Anne sucked in a breath. She nodded, seemed to be coughing. She came over her desk without saying anything, but Ezr noticed how fiercely she grasped Pham's hand.

Pham shut the door quietly behind her. When he turned back to Ezr, his expression was not gentle. He jerked a finger at the seat in front of Reynolt's desk. "Tie down, mister."

There was something about his voice that froze Ezr's rage, and forced him to sit down.