A Deepness in the Sky

But the other wasn't finished. "There's a downside to your virtues, though. You had the patience to play a role for hundreds of Msecs. You stuck to your goals when lots of other people had started whole new lives. Now you're talking about waiting for Trixia however longthat may take. And I believe you really would wait...forever. Ezr, have you ever thought, you don't always need the mindrot to get Focused? Some people can get fixated all by themselves. I should know! Their will is so strong—or their mind is so rigid—that they can exclude everything outside of the central fixation. That's what you needed during the years under Nau and Brughel. It was the thing that saved you, and helped carry the rest of the Qeng Ho along. But think now, recognize the problem. Don't throw your life away."

Ezr swallowed. He remembered the Emergents' claims that society had always depended on people who "didn't have a life." But, "Trixia Bonsolis a worthwhile goal, Pham."

"Agreed. But you're talking about a very high price, waiting the rest of your life for something that may never happen." He stopped, cocked his head to one side. "It's a shame youaren't Focused with the Emergent bug; that might be easier to undo! You're so fixated on Trixia that you can't see what's going on around you, can't see the people that you are hurting, or the person who could love you."

"Huh. Who?"

"Think, Ezr. Who engineered the rockpile stability system? Who persuaded Nau to loosen the leash? Who made Benny's parlor and Gonle's farms possible? And did it in spite of repeated mindscrubs? Who saved your butt when the crunch finally came?"

"Oh." The word came out small and embarrassed. "Qiwi...Qiwi is a good person."

Real anger showed in Pham's face, the first time he'd seen that since the fall of Tomas Nau. "Wake up, damn you!"

"I mean she's smart, and brave, and—"

"Yes, yes, yes! Fact is, she's a flaming genius in almost every department. I've only seen a couple like her in all my life."

"I—"

"Ezr, I don't believe you're a moral idiot or I wouldn't be talking to you now, and I certainly wouldn't be telling you about Qiwi. Butwake up ! You should have seen it years ago—but you were too fixed on Trixia and your own guilt trips. And now Qiwi is waiting for you, but without much hope since she's so honorable she respects what you want for Trixia. Think about what she has been like, since we got rid of Nau."

"...She's been into everything....I guess I see her every day." He took a deep breath. Thiswas like deFocus—seeing what you saw before, in a totally new way. It was true, he depended on Qiwi even more than he did Pham or Anne. But Qiwi had her own burdens. He remembered the look on her face when she greeted Floria Peres. He remembered her smile when she said she was happy for his happy ending. It was strange to feel shame for something you'd been totally unaware of a moment before. "I'm so sorry....I just...never thought."

Pham eased back. "That's what I hoped, Ezr. You and I, we have this little problem: We're long on high principles and short on simple human understanding. It's something we have to work on. I praised you a second ago, and it wasn't a lie. But, truly, Qiwi is the wonder."

For a moment, Ezr couldn't say anything. Someone was rearranging the furniture inside his soul. Trixia, the dream of half a lifetime, wasslippingaway.... "I've got to think."

"Do so. But talk to Qiwi about it, okay? You're both hiding behind walls. You'd be amazed what can come from just talking straight out."

Another idea that was like a new sun.Just talk to Qiwi about it. "I will... .I will!"

SIXTY-SIX

Time passed, but Arachna still had a long way to cool. The last dry hurricanes still blew fitfully through the midlatitudes, edging ever nearer to the world's equator.

Their flyer had no wings, no jets or rockets. It came down along a ballistic arc, and slowed to a gentle touchdown on the naked rock of the altiplano.

Two space-suited figures emerged, one tall and slim, the other low, with limbs spreading in all directions.

Major Victory Lighthill tapped at the ground with the tips of her hands. "Our bad luck that there is no snow cover here. No footprints to track." She waved at the rocky hillside a few dozen yards away. There was snow there, caught in crevices, lying in the windshade of the moment. It glimmered ghostly reddish in the sunlight. "And where there is snow, the wind is always blowing it around. Can you feel wind?"

Trixia Bonsol leaned into the breeze. She could hear it singing beyond her hood. She laughed. "More than you. I've got to stand up in it with only two legs."