A Scanner Darkly

“You get to sit in a waiting room and read a lot of Saturday Evening Posts and Cosmopolitans free.”

“Where’s that?”

“Where would you like?”

Fred said, “Let me think it over.”

“I’ll tell you what I’d do,” Hank said. “I wouldn’t go into a Federal clinic; I’d get about six bottles of good bourbon, I.W. Harper, and go up into the hills, up into the San Bernardino Mountains near one of the lakes, by myself, and just stay there all alone until it’s over. Where no one can find me.”

“But it may never be over,” Fred said.

“Then never come back. Do you know anyone who has a cabin up there?”

“No,” Fred said.

“Can you drive okay?”

“My—” He hesitated, and a dreamlike strength fell over him, relaxing him and mellowing him out. All the spatial relationships in the room shifted; the alteration affected even his awareness of time. “It’s in the …” He yawned.

“You don’t remember.”

“I remember it’s not functioning.”

“We can have somebody drive you up. That would be safer, anyhow.”

Drive me up where? he wondered. Up to what? Up roads, trails, paths, hiking and striding through Jell-O, like a tomcat on a leash who only wants to get back indoors, or get free.

He thought, Em Engel, der Gattin, so gleich, der fuhrt mich zur Freiheit ins himmlische Reich. “Sure,” he said, and smiled. Relief. Pulling forward against the leash, trying and striving to get free, and then to lie down. “What do you think about me now,” he said, “now that I’ve proved out like this—burned out, temporarily, anyhow. Maybe permanently.”

Hank said, “I think you’re a very good person.”

“Thank you,” Fred said.

“Take your gun with you.”

“What?” he said.

“When you go off to the San Bernardino Mountains with the fifths of I.W. Harper. Take your gun.”

“You mean for if I don’t come out of it?”

Hank said, “Either way. Coming down off the amount they say you’re on … Have it there with you.”

“Okay.”

“When you get back,” Hank said, “call me. Let me know.”

“Hell, I won’t have my suit.”

“Call me anyhow. With or without your suit.”

Again he said, “Okay.” Evidently it didn’t matter. Evidently that was over.

“When you go pick up your next payment, there’ll be a different amount. A considerable change this one time.”

Fred said, “I get some sort of bonus for this, for what happened to me?”

“No. Read your penal code. An officer who willingly becomes an addict and does not promptly report it is subject to a misdemeanor change—a fine of three thousand dollars and/or six months. You’ll probably just be fined.”

“Willingly?” he said, marveling.

“Nobody held a gun to your head and shot you up. Nobody dropped something in your soup. You knowingly and willingly took an addictive drug, brain-destructive and disorienting.”

“I had to!”

Hank said, “You could have pretended to. Most officers manage to cope with it. And from the quantity they say you were dropping, you have to have been—”

“You’re treating me like a crook. I am not a crook.”

Picking up a clipboard and pen, Hank began to figure. “How much are you at, paywise? I can calculate it now if—”

“Could I pay the fine later on? Maybe in a series of monthly installments over like two years?”

Hank said, “Come on, Fred.”

“Okay,” he said.

“How much per hour?”

He couldn’t remember.

“Well, then, how many logged hours?”

That, neither.

Hank tossed his clipboard back down. “Want a cigarette?” He offered Fred his pack.

“I’m getting off that, too,” Fred said. “Everything including peanuts and …” He couldn’t think. They both sat there, the two of them, in their scramble suits, both silent.

“Like I tell my kids,” Hank began.

“I’ve got two kids,” Fred said. “Two girls.”

“I don’t believe you do; you’re not supposed to.”

“Maybe not.” He had begun to try to figure out when withdrawal would begin, and then he began to try to figure how many tabs of Substance D he had hidden here and there. And how much money he would have, when he got paid, for scoring.

“Maybe you want me to continue figuring what your payoff amount will consist of,” Hank said.

“Okay,” he said, and nodded vigorously. “Do that.” He sat waiting, tensely, drumming on the table, like Barris.

“How much per hour?” Hank repeated, and then presently reached for his phone. “I’ll call payroll.”

Fred said nothing. Staring down, he waited. He thought, Maybe Donna can help me. Donna, he thought, please help me now.

“I don’t think you’re going to make it to the mountains,” Hank said. “Even if somebody drives you.”

“No.”

“Where do you want to go?”

“Let me sit and think.”

“Federal clinic?”

“No.”

They sat.

He wondered what not supposed to meant.

“What about over to Donna Hawthorne’s?” Hank said. “From all the information you’ve brought in and everyone else has, I know you’re close.”

“Yes.” He nodded. “We are.” And then he looked up and said, “How do you know that?”