Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle

Gil rolled his eyes. “Tarvek is in the direct line of descent for at least three thrones that I can think of off the top of my head.” He waved a hand. “Oh, a bunch of his relatives would have to die first, but let’s just say I wouldn’t sell any of them insurance.”

Moloch considered this. “But—all that about being dead and revived?”

Gil waved a hand. “Oh, well—Sturmvoraus is a Prince. You know—traditional royalty…they’re all about succession, right? That’s why the dying thing is important.”

“I guess.”

“Well someone who’s been waiting twenty or thirty years to assume power doesn’t much like it when their predecessor goes and gets reanimated. So they’ve come up with all kinds of rules about that sort of thing. As far as the Fifty Families are concerned, once you’re dead, you’re dead. Even if someone zaps you back later.”

Von Zinzer looked worried. “But, the Baron…there’s rumors that he’s….I mean, um…no offense, but…”

Gil laughed. “None taken. My father doesn’t choose to play by their rules and they can’t make him.

“But he knows them. And, every so often, some blueblood succumbs to the lure of resurrection and then desperately hopes no one ever finds out.” Gil lowered his voice conspiratorially. “But my father always does.”

Von Zinzer nodded. “I’ll bet.”

Gil held up a hand. “Hold that thought.” He opened a door and found Professor Tiktoffen stripping the last vestiges of spider silk off of Zola. “Ah! Professor! Zola! And how are you doing?” he asked cheerily.

Tiktoffen waved a hand gummed with spider silk. “Very well, thank you! I’ve just managed to get the Lady…er…Zola loose!”

Zola was livid. “Gil! Are you seriously going to—AAH!…and why is your shirt off?”

Gil smiled and poured a small amount of Ichor into his hand. “Yes, yes. Now, I need you to test something for me!” He raised his hand and blew a cloud of powder at them just as Zola was drawing in a deep lungful of air. She and Tiktoffen collapsed to the ground.

Zola began to snore gently. Gil nodded. “Still good.” He turned to von Zinzer. “—and, of course, my father believes that it’s best if we’re the only ones who find out.”

Von Zinzer knew an implied threat when he heard one and accepted this one with remarkable equanimity. “Find out what, sir?”

Gil nodded. “Good man.”

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⁷² These suspicions were fully justified. These creatures are apparently a mutated form of louse (pediculus humanus gargantua heterodyne) sold throughout Mechanicburg as “Deep Fried Crunchy Castle Crabs.” By all accounts they are incredibly delicious, but no native of Mechanicsburg has ever been able to bring themselves to eat one.

⁷³ Agatha had no idea what she was in for. As the largest supplier of money, resources, and personnel in Europa, the Wulfenbach Empire received hundreds of proposals for insane schemes every day. What made it truly maddening was that all-too-often a scheme might be horrifying, insane, counter-intuitive…and the perfect solution for a current problem. Thus, Klaus insisted that every one of these ideas had to be fairly evaluated. It was challenging, infuriating, and occasionally dangerous work. The clerks assigned to the Department for the Containment of New Ideas were bureaucrats who regularly earned Hazard Pay.

⁷⁴ To a chronicler of the life of the Lady Heterodyne, the tragedy of the destruction that Doctor Merlot claims credit for cannot be overstated. Tarsus Beetle was evidently enough of a confidant of Barry Heterodyne that he was entrusted with his niece. Although historical records show that Barry was a prodigious diarist and notetaker, none exist after the date of the destruction of Castle Heterodyne up through his time in Beetleburg (which may have lasted as long as a year). It is not unreasonable to assume that any and all writing that he generated, which would certainly have covered or at least mentioned tangentially, where the brothers had been and what they had been doing since their disappearance, had been deposited with Dr. Beetle for safekeeping before Barry left town. So, in answer to Merlot’s rhetorical question, no—it was not particularly fair, but the Baron did not permit torture.

⁷⁵ Fra Pelagatti was an Abbot of the Corbettites, a monastic order based in Ireland. Whereas many orders raised a little pocket change by brewing up various alcoholic beverages, the Corbettites ran a railroad system that united Europa and was making inroads into Asia and the Middle East. While it welcomed and sheltered Sparks, the order also attracted quite a few of the overlooked mechanics, engineers, tinkerers, and self-taught inventors who were not Sparks but didn’t feel like working for the Wulfenbach Empire. The order gave them a home and a greater purpose. It also gave them access to tools, workshops, and large, dangerous things that went very fast.