Alcatraz Versus the Knights of Crystallia

“She Who Cannot Be Named?” I asked. “Why can’t we say her name? Because it might draw the attention of evil powers? Because we’re afraid of her? Because her name has become a curse upon the world?”

“Don’t be silly,” Himalaya said. “We don’t say her name because nobody can pronounce it.”

“Kangech…” Folsom tried. “Kangenchenug … Kagenchachsa…”

“She Who Cannot Be Named,” Himalaya finished. “It’s easier.”

“Either way,” Folsom said, “we should report back to Lord Smedry—this is going to get very dangerous very quickly.”

I snorted. “It’s no more dangerous than when I testified against the Acrophobic English Teachers of Poughkeepsie!”

“Uh, you didn’t actually do that, Alcatraz,” he pointed out. “That was in one of the books Rikers wrote.”

I froze. That’s right. I’d been talking about it with the prince, but that didn’t change the fact that it hadn’t ever actually happened.

It also didn’t change the fact that Shasta’s carriage was quickly disappearing. “Look,” I said, pointing. “My grandfather put you in charge of watching the Librarians in the city. Now you’re going to let one of the most infamous ones get away without following?”

“Hum,” he said. “Good point.”

We rushed down the steps and toward the carriages. I picked a likely one, then hopped up into it. “I’m commandeering this vehicle!” I said.

“Very well, Lord Smedry,” said the driver.

I hadn’t expected it to be that easy. You should remember that we Smedrys are legal officers of the government in Nalhalla. We’re able to commandeer pretty much anything we want. (Only doughnuts are outside our reach, as per the Doughnut Exemption act of the eighth century. Fortunately, doughnuts don’t exist in the Free Kingdoms, so the law doesn’t get used much.)

Folsom and Himalaya climbed into the carriage after me, and I pointed at Shasta’s disappearing vehicle. “Follow that carriage!” I said in a dramatic voice.

And so the driver did. Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a city carriage before, but they travel at, like, two miles an hour—particularly during afternoon traffic. After my rather dramatic and heroic (if I do say so myself) proclamation, things took a decidedly slow turn as our driver guided the horses out onto the street, then clopped along behind Shasta’s vehicle. I felt more like I was out on a casual evening drive than part of a high-speed chase.

I sat down. “Not very exciting, is it?”

“I’ll admit I was expecting more,” Folsom said.

At that moment, we passed a street performer playing a lute on the side of the road. Himalaya reached for Folsom, but it was too late. My cousin stood up in a quick motion, then jumped onto the back of the carriage and began doing expert kung fu moves.

“Gak!” I said, diving for the floor as a karate chop narrowly missed my head. “Folsom, what are you doing?”

“It’s his Talent,” Himalaya said, scrambling down beside me. “He’s a bad dancer! The moment he hears music, he gets like this. It—”

We moved out of range of the street performer and Folsom froze mid-swing, his foot mere inches from my face. “Oh,” he said, “terribly sorry about that, Alcatraz. My Talent can be a bit difficult at times.”

“A bit difficult” is an understatement. I later heard that Folsom once wandered into a ballroom dance competition. He not only managed to trip every single person in the room, but he also ended up stuffing one of the judges into a tuba. If you’re wondering, yes, that’s why Himalaya had filled Folsom’s ears with cotton before letting him enter the party room. It’s also why Folsom had removed the theme music glass from his copy of Alcatraz Smedry and the Mechanic’s Wrench.

“Alcatraz!” Himalaya said, pointing as we seated ourselves again.

I spun, realizing that my mother’s carriage had stopped at an intersection, and our carriage was pulling up right beside hers. “Gak!” I said. “Driver, what are you doing?”

The driver turned, confused. “Following that carriage, like you said.”

“Well, don’t let them know that we’re following them!” I said. “Haven’t you ever seen any superspy movies?”

“What’s a movie?” the driver asked, followed by, “And … what’s a superspy?”

I didn’t have time to explain. I waved for Himalaya and Folsom to duck. However, there just wasn’t enough room—one of us would have to sit up. Would my mother recognize Folsom, a famous Smedry? What about Himalaya, a rebel Librarian? We were all conspicuous.

“Can’t you two do something to hide us?” Himalaya hissed. “You know, magic powers and all that.”

“I could beat up her horse, if we had music,” Folsom said thoughtfully.

Himalaya glanced at me, worried, and it wasn’t until that moment that I remembered that I was an Oculator.

Oculator. Lens-wielder. I had magic glasses, including the ones my grandfather had given me earlier. I cursed, pulling out the purple ones he’d called Disguiser’s Lenses. He’d told me to focus on the image of someone in my mind and I would appear to be that person. I slid the Lenses on and concentrated.

Himalaya yelped. “You look like an old man!”