Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения (ASCII-IPA)

In a first stage (на первой стадии) of experiment he removed flea's leg (удалил блошиную лапку), told (сказал /to tell-told-told/) her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook (записал в своей "научной" тетрадке) "Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly (после удаления одной лапки все блошиные органы функционируют должным образом)."

So, he removed the second (вторую) leg, asked (попросил, скомандовал) the flea to jump, she obeyed (подчинилась), so he wrote again (снова): "Upon removing the second (второй) leg all flea organs function properly."

Thereafter (после этого) he removed all the legs but one (все лапки, кроме одной), the flea jumped when ordered (когда ей было приказано), so he wrote again: "Upon removing the next (следующей) leg all flea organs function properly."

Then he removed the last (последнюю) leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened (ничего не произошло). He did not want (он не хотел) to take a chance (полагаться на случай), so he repeated (повторил) the experiment several times (несколько раз), and the legless (безногая) flea never (никогда = вовсе не) jumped. So he wrote the conclusion (вывод): "Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing (теряет слух: "чувство слуха")."

A prominent Polish scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a verbal command "Jump!"

In a first stage of experiment he removed flea's leg, told her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook: "Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly."

So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly."

Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the next leg all flea organs function properly."

Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the legless flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion: "Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing."

The Irish girl knelt (ирландская девушка стала на колени /to kneel-knelt-knelt/) in the confessional (на исповеди: «в исповедальне»; to confess — признавать/ся/; исповедовать/ся/) and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned (благословите меня = отпустите грехи, отче, ибо я согрешила)."

"What is it ("что это" = что ты сделала, что случилось), child? (дитя)"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity (я совершила грех тщеславия). Twice a day (дважды в день) I gaze at myself in the mirror (я разглядываю себя в зеркало; to gaze — пристально глядеть) and tell myself how beautiful I am (и говорю себе, как я прекрасна)."

The priest turned (священник повернулся), took a good look (внимательно посмотрел: "взял хороший взгляд" /to take-took-taken/) at the girl, and said, "My dear (моя дорогая), I have good news (у меня хорошие новости). That isn't a sin — it's only a mistake (это не грех — это только ошибка)."

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin — it's only a mistake."

What is it?