Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения

The voice on the other end said in sympathy, "Darling, let Mummy handle it."

She continued, "Sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call an engineer I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine in 30 minutes.

Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call your husband David at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"David?" said Rivkah. "Who's David?"

"Why, David 's your husband!… Is this 0208 123 3749?"

"No, this is 0208 123 3747."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause, then Rivkah said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

Darling, How are you?

Let me handle it.

Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number.

Does this mean you're not coming over?

A Jewish grandmother giving directions to her grown grandson (еврейская бабушка дает указания своему взрослому внуку) who is coming to visit with his wife (который собирается навестить ее со своей женой),

"You come to the front door (ты подходишь к входной двери) of the Golders Green block of flats (многоквартирного дома). I am in flat (я в квартире) number 32. There is a big panel at the front door (на входной: «передней» двери большая панель, список, указатель /жильцов, квартир/; panel [ˈpænl]). With your elbow (твоим локтем), push button (нажми кнопку) 32. I will buzz you in (я тебя впущу /по домофону/; to buzz — жужжать, гудеть; звонить по телефону). Come inside (внутрь), the elevator is on the right (лифт справа). Get in (зайди), and with your elbow hit (нажми: «ударь») 14. When you get out (когда ты выйдешь), I am on the left (я слева). With your elbow, hit my doorbell (дверной звонок; bell — колокольчик)."

"Grandma, that sounds easy (звучит понятно: «легко»), but why (почему) am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"

"You're coming empty handed? (ты приезжаешь = собираешься приехать с пустыми руками)"

A Jewish grandmother giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife,

"You come to the front door of the Golders Green block of flats. I am in flat number 32. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 32. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out, I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"

"You're coming empty handed?"

That sounds easy.

Four Jewish ladies (четыре еврейские женщины) are playing Bridge (играют в бридж).

Betty sighs and says (Бетти вздыхает и говорит), "Oy… (Ой)"

Freda nods (кивает), sighs, and says, "Oy vey! (ой, горе — идиш)"

Kitty says, "Oy veys meer! (ой, горе мне)"

Charlotte chimes in (Шарлотта включается в разговор: to chime — согласно звучать /о колоколах/): "Enough talk about the children already (хватит уже о детях). Let's get back to the game (давайте-таки играть: «вернемся к игре»; back — назад)"

Four Jewish ladies are playing Bridge.

Betty sighs and says, "Oy…"

Freda nods, sighs, and says, "Oy vey!"

Kitty says, "Oy veys meer!"

Charlotte chimes in: "Enough talk about the children already. Let's get back to the game."

Let's get back to the game.

After Adam was created (после того, как Адам был создан), there he was, all alone, in the Garden of Eden (он был совсем один в Эдемском саду).

Of course it wasn't good for him to be all by himself (конечно, это не было хорошо для него быть все время одному: «при самом себе»), so the Lord came down to visit (и Бог спустился навестить его).