Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения

"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide (я изучаю Тору, там сказано, что Бог обеспечит)."

"But you will have children (но у тебя будут дети), how will you educate them? (как ты дашь им образование)" asks Mr. Shwartz.

"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."

Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like (беспокойно спросила, что из себя представляет Сол: «на что он похож»).

"Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy (он милый мальчик), I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God (я только его встретил = познакомился с ним, а он уже думает, что я Бог /to meet-met-met/)."

Mr. Shwartz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Sol.

He says to Sol (who is very religious), "So now, tell me, Sol, my boy, what do you do?"

"I study the Torah," he replies.

"But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are you going to feed and house her?"

"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."

"But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Mr. Shwartz.

"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."

Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like.

"Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy, I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God."

What do you do?

No problem.

— Hello, that's you (это ты), Abe?

— Yes, dis (= this; здесь и дальше написание некоторых слов нарушено, чтобы передать сильный акцент) is Abe…

— It doesn't sount (=sound) like (не похоже на: «не звучит как») Abe.

— Vell (=well), dis is Abe all right (здесь в самом деле: «в порядке»).

— You're positive (вы уверены) it's Abe?

— Absolutely (абсолютно).

— Vell, listen Abie, dis is Moe. Can you lend me feefty punds? (= fifty pounds — можешь одолжить мне 50 фунтов)

— Ven (=when) Abe comes in (придет), I'll tell him you called… (я скажу ему, что вы звонили).

— Hello, that's you, Abe?

— Yes, dis is Abe…

— It doesn't sount like Abe.

— Vell, dis is Abe all right.

— You're positive it's Abe?

— Absolutely.

— Vell, listen Abie, dis is Moe. Can you lend me feefty punds?

— Ven Abe comes in, I'll tell him you called…

Are you positive?

Abe goes to see his rabbi (идет навестить: «повидать» своего рабби).

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening (что-то ужасное происходит) and I have to talk to you about it (и мне нужно поговорить с вами об этом)."

The rabbi asked, "What's wrong, Abe? (что случилось: «что неправильно»)"

Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me (отравляет меня; poison — яд)."

The rabbi was very surprised (удивлен) by this and asks, "How can that be? (как это возможно: «может быть»)"

Abe then pleads (уверяет; to pead — защищать /в суде/; обращаться с просьбой; просить, умолять), "I'm telling you (я вам говорю), I'm certain (я уверен) she's poisoning me, what should I do? (что я должен делать = что мне делать)"

The rabbi then offers (тогда предлагает), "Tell you what (вот что я тебе скажу). Let me talk to her (позволь мне поговорить с ней), I'll see what I can find out (я погляжу, что я смогу выяснить; to find — находить) and I'll let you know (и я дам тебе знать)."

A week later the rabbi calls (зовет; звонит) Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife (я говорил с твоей женой /to speak-spoke-spoken/). I spoke to her on the phone (по телефону) for three hours (в течение трех часов). You want my advice? (хочешь мой совет)"

Abe anxiously says (тревожно), "Yes."

"Take the poison (прими яд)," says the rabbi.

Abe goes to see his rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The rabbi asked, "What's wrong, Abe?"

Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The rabbi was very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"

Abe then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"