Around the World Submerged: The Voyage of the Triton

MYSELF: Unless I miss my guess, sir, you and I have had the good fortune of meeting before.

KING NEPTUNE: Many pass through my kingdom, Captain, and I never forget a face, but I’ll be surfaced if I recall yours. Davy Jones, check the records on Captain Beach here to see if he really is one of my own.

DAVY JONES: Your Majesty, the records show that if you’re a Shellback then so is he. [That Davy Jones is a good man, but this was a low blow on the part of Neptune.]

NEPTUNE: Ah, quite so, Davy. And now that you mention it, I recall he crossed the equator as if it were yesterday. My, he’s gained a little weight here and there, hasn’t he!

MYSELF: Speak for yourself, your subnormal Majesty! And now, may I have your Majesty’s permission to introduce you and your royal retinue to those of my crew who have never had the displeasure?

NEPTUNE: Permission granted, Captain. And by the way, sir, would you mind standing just a bit straighter, and use a little more reverence in my grandiloquent presence?

MYSELF: A thousand pardons, your Horrific Magnificence. Men, once again it becomes my great privilege to introduce the ruler of the Mangy Mane, I mean Raging Main, Neptunus rex and the members of his Royal Family, including Her Majesty, the Queen, the Royal Babe, the Royal Scribe, the Royal Concubine, the Royal Prosecutor, the Royal Sea Lawyer, the Royal Barbers, Dentist, Baker, High Sheriffs, and their mighty company.

NEPTUNE: Thank you, Captain. It’s a pleasure to be aboard your ship and see so many familiar faces again. And Captain, before I forget it, would you do what you can about those blasted propellers of yours? Kept the mermaids up all night last night.

MYSELF: I shall direct my engineer to attend to it at once, Your Majesty. I know it is hardly an excuse, but we are going pretty fast, and my engineer is a pollywog.

NEPTUNE: You can be sure that he’s in my book for extraordinary torture. Now, Captain, down to business, if you please. My Royal Prosecutor reports that great crimes and incredible wicked-nesses have been committed by the vast majority of your crew. You know very well that we cannot tolerate such tomfoolery in this domain. Besides, my Prosecutor hasn’t had a case in days and he’s getting a little rusty. As you know, he’s never lost a case.

MYSELF: Your Majesty, I’ve done my best with the trusty Shellbacks in my command, but these pollywogs are the worst of the lot, and once a pollywog, always a pollywog, until initiated into the mysteries of the deep.

NEPTUNE: Precisely why we are here, Captain. Now, as is customary, I call upon the assistance of yourself and your honorable Shellbacks in doing the duty of the great waters.

MYSELF: We are at your command, sir. But before we begin, I feel I must ask mercy for those of my crew who, unworthy characters though they be, have worked hard to make Triton a great ship and, through no fault of their own, come to your domain without credentials and in fear and trembling.

NEPTUNE: A standard request, Captain, and my answer is as always: “Nonsense!” In my domain, they can always be assured of a fair trial before being convicted. And now, sir, I assume command of this ship and direct that the first guilty pollywog show his unworthy carcass before my Court.