Black Chalk

These shifts in his life were making him feel increasingly uneasy. As a child Jolyon had noticed that while other children seemed perpetually sunny, he passed periodically through bouts of bleakness. During these black spells, he suffered from a sense as if entering a room only to forget why one is there. But for Jolyon this feeling could last for days at a time. Sometimes weeks.

Slowly he had learned that a structured life could help lighten his darker spells. At twelve, he had begun keeping the diary to record his days as a series of lists. Gradually his system of mnemonics developed and his diary was no longer needed. But writing it every night had become part of his routine, so he continued. Instead of a book of lists, Jolyon’s diary became a more traditional record of the days. Its conversations, his observations. Or somewhere to vent his opinions in secret, a way to cleanse himself of his darkest thoughts.

And so, while eating cereal at an unfamiliar hour would not be a concern for most people, for Jolyon it felt like a symptom. Or perhaps it was a cause. And then he realised that the sock was no longer hanging from its hook on the door. He thought about replacing it but perhaps he had removed it so that Dee could come into his room unannounced and surprise him at his desk with a kiss, could leave his room early in the morning to work for an hour before climbing back into his bed. Dee’s sleek dark hair on his chest, her limbs like the key to his lock.

LIV(iii) Chad had told them he had work to catch up on, so it was just the two of them that night, Jolyon and Dee. They crossed Hallowgood Court hand in hand and took the steps down into the swirling currents of the bar, the sounds and the smoke and the crowd. They saw Jack right away, telling one of his stories to a full table, Dorian and Rory and several more first years. Jolyon knew all their names and which subject each was studying but little more than that. He let go of Dee’s hand and waited awkwardly at the edge of the table while Jack finished speaking. Jack’s shoulders had become stiff and he didn’t turn once the tale was over. Everyone was laughing, slapping their thighs, the table.

Rory raised his glass to Jolyon. ‘What do you think, Jolyon, a star in the making?’ he said, shifting his glass in Jack’s direction.

‘Absolutely,’ said Jolyon, but the table could sense his uncertainty.

‘The major part Jack just landed,’ said Dorian. ‘Didn’t you hear? He’s going to play Vladimir in Waiting for Godot.’

‘You’re kidding me,’ said Jolyon. ‘Jack, that’s amazing. Well done.’

‘It’s just a little student production,’ said Jack.

‘Little?’ said Rory, incredulously. ‘It’s showing at the Guildhall.’

‘Wow,’ said Jolyon, ‘the first rung of many, Jack.’

‘Whoever would have guessed that you’re of the theatrical bent,’ said Dee, inserting her words with a wink. But Jack took a sip of his drink instead of looking up at her.

‘Let me buy you a pint to celebrate,’ said Jolyon.

‘No, I’m good,’ said Jack, his glass almost full.

‘Then come to the bar for a quick chat anyway,’ said Jolyon.

Jack stood up but without any enthusiasm. He shuffled past three sets of knees on the bench alongside him while Jolyon touched Dee on the arm and asked her to wait.

‘Sorry to interrupt, Jack,’ said Jolyon. ‘But I thought I should return this to you.’ He pulled the brown envelope from his pocket.

Jack took a stool at the bar and tore open the envelope discreetly between his legs. He removed the money and pushed it quickly down into his wallet.

‘Well done again,’ said Jolyon, ‘– the theatre thing, I mean. When did you start auditioning?’

Jack, not looking up, stared at his hands pressed together around his wallet. ‘I didn’t think I’d get it,’ he said.

‘Are you sure I can’t get you that drink?’ said Jolyon.

‘No thanks, Jolyon. Too much celebrating already,’ said Jack. He held his hand to his chest and winced.

Jolyon ordered two drinks then turned back to Jack. ‘Just one more thing then,’ he said. ‘Oh, by the way, we’re still friends, right?’

Jack nodded. But he was still looking down.

‘The thing is,’ said Jolyon, ‘we probably won’t see much of each other . . . but only for a short time. The three of us and the consequences, you know. It’s all meant to stay completely in house, right? So please don’t think we’re deliberately avoiding you. Anyway, I really can’t see it taking too much longer now.’

‘That’s fine with me,’ said Jack. He looked over to where he had just been sitting, the merry faces, Dee standing at the end of the table looking alone as the conversation circled beneath her. ‘And you know, Emilia was right. It wasn’t fun any more. We forgot we were friends. Sometimes it felt like we’d cut ourselves off completely from the rest of the world. And anyway, Jolyon, I’m going to be really busy with all this theatre stuff, you know?’

‘I understand,’ said Jolyon.