Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy

4 p.m. Whole Mr Wallaker tree/‘back to the wife and kids’ thing has left self feeling abnormal, and that everyone else is spending Saturday afternoon in nuclear family, while Dad plays ping-pong with the lad, and Mum shops and does mani-pedis with her immaculately dressed little girl. Ooh, doorbell!

9 p.m. Was Rebecca! Had lovely evening sitting at her kitchen table while kids ran around. Was still feeling a bit abnormal, as Rebecca has a husband, or at least a ‘partner’ as they are not married. He is tall, handsome, though frequently a bit wrecked-looking and always dressed in black, and a musician. Told Rebecca about the everyone-else-in-nuclear-families-paranoia at which she snorted.

‘Nuclear families? I never see Jake from one month to the next. He’s always off on some gig or tour, and when he appears it’s frequently like having some kind of teenage stoner in the house.’

Then we all came back to our house, and watched Britain’s Got Talent while I cooked (i.e. microwaved popcorn) and now the children are asleep. Billy and Finn are over the road, and Mabel and Oleander are here.

Sunday 6 January 2013

Twitter followers 649 (feel like tweeting disappeared followers saying, ‘Why? Why?’).

8 p.m. Another good day with Rebecca and the kids. Another good evening with me, Mabel and Billy on my bed watching the Britain’s Got Talent results while I checked Twitter on my iPhone, tweeting my followers (649) with piercing aperçus on the ongoing programme: e.g. <@JoneseyBJ Aww #Chevaune song v. moving totes amazog.>

8.15 p.m. Ooh. Have got response to my apercu from someone called @_Roxster!

<@_Roxster @JoneseyBJ #Chevaune song ‘totes amazog’? My tears are getting mixed up with my sick.>

‘Mummy,’ said Billy.

‘Mmmm?’ I said vaguely.

‘Why are you smiling like that?’

DO NOT TWEET WHEN DRUNK

Thursday 10 January 2013

Twitter followers 652, Twitter followers who came back 1, new Twitter followers 2, alcohol units (do not want to even think about it. But – quavering voice – don’t I deserve a little happiness?).

9.30 p.m. Chloe staying over again after her night out with Graham in Camden. Is nice sitting down at the end of the day and updating myself with current affairs and Twitter with a well-earned glass or two of white wine.

10 p.m. Woah. Fantastic story: ‘Beef Lasagne 100% Horse’.

10.25 p.m. Hee hee. Just tweeted.

<@JoneseyBJ Warning: Fish fingers found to be 90% Sea Horse.>

Sure will be retweeted and bring more followers like spambot tweet!

Maybe will have another glass of wine. I mean, Chloe is here, so is fine.

Love that the tone of my Twitter feed is so loving and friendly. Not like some, where everyone is slagging each other off. Really, is like going back to the days of Robin Hood with all these little fiefdoms and oh . . .

10.30 p.m. Everyone is slagging me off. And my tweet.

<@_Sunnysmile @JoneseyBJ You think that’s a new joke? Don’t you read anyone except yourself on Twitter? Self-obsessed or what?>

Really need another glass of wine now.

10.45 p.m. Right, am going to tweet back to @sunny or whatever she’s called ’erself and tick her off. So people aren’t allowed to make up their own jokes any more?

11 p.m. <@JoneseyBJ @_Sunnysmile If you don’t stop being mean I will de-follow you.>

11.01 p.m. <@JoneseyBJ @_Sunnysmile Here one spreads joy & positive energy by tweeting. Rather like birds do.>

11.07 p.m. <@JoneseyBJ ‘They toil not, neither do they tweet.’ Hmm. No, they do tweet though. Thasu point with birds.>

11.08 p.m. <@JoneseyBJ Anyway f*** em. Stupid birds flapping around tweeting all over s place. Oh oh look at me! I’m a bird!>

11.15 p.m. <@JoneseyBJ Hate birds. Look at that movie ‘The Birds’! Birds can turn MAN-EATING.>

11.16 p.m. <@JoneseyBJ Peecking people’s eyes out with 60s hairdos. Vicious nasty birds.>

11.30 p.m. <@JoneseyBJ 85 followess gone waway. Why? Why’wasi hwohave I don? comebac!k>

<@JoneseyBJ Noo! Follwers draining away as if through sieve.>

<@JoneseyBJ Nooo! Hate bireds Hatetweetings Hate drainqine away follwoers. An goingsoto bed!>

TWUNKEN AFTERMATH

Friday 11 January 2013

Twitter followers lost 551, Twitter followers remaining 101, number of words of screenplay written 0.