Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy

6.35 a.m. Will just check my Twi— Gaaah! Just remembered twunking incoherent drunken rant last night, slagging off birds for no reason to hundreds of complete strangers. Oh God. Have clouting hangover and have got to do school run. Oh, is OK because Chloe is doing school run. Am going back to sleep.

10 a.m. Look, this can be salvaged, like any other PR disaster. With exception, possibly, of current Lance Armstrong PR disaster.

10.15 a.m. Right. The Leaves in His Hair. Must get on.

11.15 a.m. Actually, maybe I could have a career in PR! Oh, shit, is 11.15, must get on with screenplay. First, though, clearly I quickly need to make a full and frank Twitter apology to my few remaining followers.

<@JoneseyBJ Very sorry re #twunk last night re birds.>

11.16 a.m. <@JoneseyBJ Birds delight our ears and eyes with their feathers and song! And control worms. Leave birds alone!>

11.45 a.m. Maybe will just throw in quote from Dalai Lama for good measure:

<@JoneseyBJ Just as a snake sheds its skin so we can shed our past and begin anew. (@DalaiLama)>

9.15 p.m. Right. Children are asleep. Am going to get back on Twitter.

9.16 p.m. OMG. Tweet from @_Roxster! Yesss! At least Roxster has not left in disgust.

<@_Roxster @JoneseyBJ @DalaiLama Once the hangover has cleared? Do you realize you’ve been singled out in a #Twunk thread?>

9.17 p.m. Oh God. Everyone is ridiculing me and retweeting my drunken birds tweet. Must try and do damage control.

<@JoneseyBJ #twunkbirds Look, sorry, I really wish I hadn’t – what is the past tense of tweet? Tweeted? Twittered?>

<@_Roxster @JoneseyBJ I believe the appropriate term is ‘Twat’.>

<@JoneseyBJ @_Roxster Are you being grammatical or rude?>

<@_Roxster @JoneseyBJ The former *pretentious voice*: from the Latin, Twitto, Twittarse, Twittat.>

He’s funny. And pic is handsome. And young-looking. I wonder who he is?

<@JoneseyBJ @_Roxster Roxster, if you carry on like this, your 103 remaining Twitterati will be demanding sick bags.>

<@_Roxster @JoneseyBJ Why? Are they all hung-over because they too were twunking about birds last night?>

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Cheeky young whippersnapper.

<@JoneseyBJ @_Roxster Please stop being so impertinent, or I shall have to tweak you.>

<@_Roxster @JoneseyBJ Tweak or tweet? Best not the latter. You’ve just lost 48 more followers.>

<@JoneseyBJ @_Roxster Oh no! They think I’m a really neurotic Twitterer and fat.>

<@_Roxster @JoneseyBJ Did you just say ‘and fart’?>

<@JoneseyBJ @_Roxster No, Roxster, I said ‘and fat’. You seem unhealthily obsessed with farting and vomiting.>

Roxster just retweeted me from one of his followers: <@Raef_P @Rory See you in five, yar? Outside the Fartage?> adding:

<@_Roxster @JoneseyBJ Posh bastards are skiing in France.>

<@JoneseyBJ @_Roxster But what is Fartage?>

<@_Roxster @JoneseyBJ Waxing.>

10 p.m. Waxing? France? Suddenly have lurching fear that Roxster is not a cute younger man who finds me entertaining, but gay, and is drawn to me and Talitha as tragic ironic ruined drag acts, like Lily Savage.

10.05 p.m. Just called Talitha to get her opinion.

‘Roxster? That rings a bell. Is he one of my followers?’

‘He’s MY follower!’ I said indignantly, then conceded, ‘Though he may have jumped across from you.’

‘He’s adorable. Roxster. Roxby someone. I had a man on the show who was plugging designer food-recycling caddies and Roxby came with him. He works for some green eco-charity. Nice young chap. Very handsome. Go for it!’

10.15 p.m. <@JoneseyBJ @_Roxster Do you go to France and get waxed, Roxster?>

<@_Roxster @JoneseyBJ *Deep masculine voice* Jonesey, I am very far from gay. I am talking about waxing snowboards.>

<@JoneseyBJ @_Roxster ‘Oh oh, look at me, I’m a young person. I do snowboarding in baggy trousers showing my underpants.’>

<@JoneseyBJ @_Roxster ‘Instead of skiing elegantly with a furlined hood.’>

<@_Roxster @JoneseyBJ Do you like younger men, Jonesey?>

<@JoneseyBJ @_Roxster *Icy, almost to point of glacier-esque* Excuse me? What EXACTLY are you implying?>

<@_Roxster @JoneseyBJ *Hides behind sofa* How old are you, Jonesey?>

<@JoneseyBJ @_Roxster Oscar Wilde: Never trust a woman who will tell you her age. If she tells you that she will tell you anything.>

<@JoneseyBJ @_Roxster How old are you, Roxster?>

<@_Roxster @JoneseyBJ 29.>

SCREENWRITER

Monday 14 January 2013

Twitter followers 793 (am #Twunken heroine), tweets 17, disastrous social occasions agreed to 1 (or maybe 3 all in one), words of screenplay written 0.