Butcher Bird

"Isn't it obvious?" Lucifer asked. "I was the loyal opposition in Heaven. I tested Job and plenty of others, all with Yahweh's blessing. In the early days, mortal faith and free will were new concepts. That's where the conflict began. God gave you free will, but we angels were expected to bow and scrape. I couldn't accept that."

"You were going to steal God's throne."

"I bet you believe everything Republicans say about Democrats. The archangel Michael accused me of wanting to sit in the throne of Heaven, but I didn't want to be God. I didn't want to be God's lap dog, either."

"You've got some serious daddy issues, mister."

The devil smiled. "Pride, too. The books got that right, at least."

"So, you're building Heaven to prove God wrong."

"Something like that. Heaven with free will."

"And not to set yourself up as a new God?"

Lucifer stopped walking and pointed with his free hand. "That's my palace over there. I don't need to remind anyone down here who's in charge. I'm not deluded enough to see myself as God. Over all, the first one did an impressive job creating the universe. It's the details I dispute."

"What's that quote? I've heard it a couple of ways, 'God is in the details:'"

"Also, 'the devil is in the details.' Yes, I'm aware of it. I don't know which version is more insulting."

"Let me get this straight, you're just down here having this family squabble with God for the last few million or few thousand years: I don't get how time works here."

"Don't try. You'll just hurt your brain."

"Cool. And you just want to show God that free will for your kind is hot biscuits and gravy. Then why fuck with us mortals? What's with all the temptation and corruption?"

"Who said that was me? Oh yes, everyone." Lucifer released Spyder's arm and they sat on a stone bench on the edge of the square. "I have to take some responsibility for that. Millions of angels came with me when Father threw me out and changed the locks. I had to give them something to do."

"All those monks and nuns, Jesus in the desert, all the visions of all those righteous types, none of that was you?"

"I'll admit that I've had my hand in a tempting manifestation or two. I was an angry young man, lashing out at all God had created. But like you, little brother, I couldn't help growing up a little."

Demons walked by them through the plaza, glancing furtively at the talking meat chatting with the ruler of Hell. Tall, bile-colored women with snakes for hair and dressed in high-collared latex robes whispered to each other as they passed. Graceful, loping things, like mechanical praying mantises, craned a stalk eye or two at the conversation. A flock of living skeletons, human from the waist up, but birdlike from the waist down, stopped and stared at the men on the bench. The skeletons moved as a group, like pigeons, chittering down one of the side streets.

"What about all those souls remodeling your den? What about the ones being tortured down here?"

"Do you think I invited them here? We've been Heaven's cesspit since time began. I'm just making use of the freeloaders. The tortures are just day-work for my less intelligent brethren. And truthfully, some souls are useless, not even fit for manual labor."

"I'm having a hard time with this poor, poor, pitiful me line, Count. Lucifer. What should I call you?"

"Anything you want, just don't call me late for dinner," Lucifer said. He looked Spyder in the eye. "The truth will set you free. But it might also hurt your feelings: You see, humanity isn't even on my radar. My quarrel is with Heaven, not you."

Spyder looked at Lucifer's palace, thinking over everything he'd seen and heard. "You're my friend. At least Count Non was. I don't really know what to believe right now."

"Admit it. You want me to be a monster. Humanity has to find someone to blame for its crimes. The problem is that you never really believed Copernicus. You still think you're the center of the universe and that all creation revolves around you."

"You've been practicing this speech for a while, haven't you?"

"I'll give you an another example. The snake in the Garden of Eden?"

"Yeah?"

"It was just a snake. Humanity's first real decision was to defy God. So was mine. That's the reason I make you uncomfortable. We're so much alike." Lucifer leaned closer, speaking quietly. "In Heaven, my title was 'The Tester'. I tempted and tormented mortals to test their faith, all with God's blessing. Job, for instance. It's a hard habit to break. But I always worked on the little things. Lust. Jealousy. Greed. Humanity didn't need any help with the big sins. It was you who ate the apple and fell from grace. It was you when Carthage was raped and burned and the earth salted. It was you at Hiroshima and Wounded Knee and Auschwitz and at every lynching of every hapless sharecropper who dared to meet the eyes of a white woman."

"You must really hate us. If we didn't exist, you'd still be in Heaven."