Captain Vorpatril's alliance

Ivan blinked. “Grounds, sir?” he hazarded.

“What is, or are, the substances of your complaint or complaints against each other?”

“It was understood from the beginning to be a temporary deal.”

“Yet you took permanent oath all the same.”

“Er, yes, sir?”

“Do you happen to be able to remember what you said?”

“Yes?”

“Repeat it for the court, please?”

Ivan did so, stumbling less than he had the first time, and leaving out the of sound mind and body part because he was afraid the lady lawyer would laugh.

Falco turned to Tej. “Is that as you also remember it, Lady Vorpatril?”

“Yes, sir, Count Vorpatril.” She glanced at Ivan, and ventured, “So what are the usual grounds for divorce on Barrayar, Count Vorpatril, sir?”

Falco folded his arms on his desk, smiling toothily. “Well, let’s just run down the list, shall we? Did either of you, at the time of your marriage, bear a concealed mutation?”

Tej’s eyebrows rose, for a moment almost haughty. Or haut‑like. “I was gene‑cleaned at conception, certified free of over five thousand potential defects.”

“Mm, no doubt. And the Cetagandan element has undergone recent revision of precedent here, so that won’t count either. Besides, I believe Ivan knew of your ancestry?”

“Yes, sir, Count Vorpatril, sir.”

“Ivan?” Falco prodded.

“Huh?” Ivan started. “Oh, you know I’m fine, sir!”

“So we all have long hoped,” Falco murmured. “Well, that disposes of that issue. Next, adultery. Do either of you accuse the other of adultery?”

“There’s hardly been time, sir!” said Ivan indignantly.

“You would be amazed at the tales I have heard upon this dais. Lady Tej?”

“No, Count Vorpatril, sir.”

Falco paused. “Ah…or admit to it?”

They both shook their heads. Tej looked peeved. “Really!” she whispered to Ivan.

“Well, let’s see, what next. Desertion, obviously not. Nonsupport?”

“I beg your pardon, sir?” said Tej.

“Does your spouse supply you with adequate food, clothing, shelter, medical care?”

“Oh‑yes, sir! Abundantly. Vorbarra Sultana cuisine is just amazing! I’ve gained a kilo since we got here. Lady Vorpatril’s dresser helped me find the right clothes, Ivan’s flat is very nice, and medical issues, um, haven’t come up.”

“We’d cover it,” Ivan assured her. “Whatever it was. God forbid, of course.”

“And I see you, too, are looking quite healthy, Captain Vorpatril…hm, hm. What else do we have here.” Falco… made play, Ivan was sure, of consulting some notes. Does he do this performance for every divorce petition, or are we special?

“Abuse‑physical, mental, emotional?”

“Sir?” said Tej, staring up in palpable confusion.

“Does your husband beat you?”

“No!”

“Do you beat him?”

“No!” said Ivan. “Good grief, sir!”

“Does he insult you?”

“Certainly not!” Their voices overlapped on that one.

“Does Ivan restrict your mobility, your choices, your access to your family or friends?”

“He got me a groundcar permit, I have more choices than I know what to do with, and my family”‑Tej bit her lip‑“is out of reach for other reasons. Sir.”

“Ah. Yes,” said Falco. “Pardon an old Barrayaran’s clumsiness.”

“Sir.” Tej, startled and clearly moved by this apology, returned an uncertain nod. “There’s Rish. She’s the closest thing to family I have left. She lives with us.”

“So, we must cross off abuse, as well. What about denial of marital rights?”

“Sir?” said Tej. “What does that mean, in Barrayaran?”

Falco smiled. “When was the last time you had sex?” he clarified.

“Oh! This morning, sir.” Tej thought for a moment, then volunteered, “It was really good.”

Two snickers sounded from the back of the room. Ivan did not deign to turn his head.

“ And congratulations, Ivan,” Falco murmured under his breath.

You wily old bastard, why are you yanking us around like this? Ivan thought, but did not dare say it aloud.

“And so, what are we down to, here,” said Falco. “Hm, hm. Denial of children?”

Tej looked taken aback. “We’ve never discussed it.”

“It’s only a temporary marriage, sir,” Ivan said. “Children would be, er, rather permanent.”

“So we all hope and pray,” said Falco.

Tej twisted a strand of her hair in doubt. “Though I suppose if Ivan Xav wanted an egg donation, something could be arranged. My mother sold eggs, when she and my father were first married. To raise venture capital.”

Ivan rather thought all of the Barrayarans in the room blinked at this, even the ones behind him. He would not look around.

Falco recovered his balance and continued, “So, that one does not hold up, either. I’m afraid we’re reaching the bottom of my legal barrel here, Captain and Lady Vorpatril. Do either of you have anything else to offer?”

“But,” said Tej, in a confused voice, “it was the deal!”

“Yeah, there you go, sir!” said Ivan. “Breach‑of‑promise. That’s some kind of illegal, isn’t it?”

Falco’s bushy white eyebrows climbed. “Breach‑of‑promise, Ivan, is where an expectation of marriage is denied, not where an expectation of divorce is denied. Also, the complainant has to show palpable harm.” He looked them both over and just shook his head.