Come to Me Quietly

And I could feel it, the tears locked up inside that could never be shed, the ball of unspent sorrow that had burdened me for all of this condemned life. Agitation curled with it and sent a rush of anger surging through my veins. “When I looked at her… ” My voice shook. “She was staring at me with this shocked horror, like she didn’t know what’d happened any more than I did.” I drew in a faltered breath. “But then I saw the blood. It was running down one side of her head and cutting across her face… but her shirt… it was soaked. God, I wanted to reach for her so bad, to help her, but I couldn’t move my arms. I could hear the sirens… they were coming… but she was breathing all funny. I was so scared, Aly… and I wanted to cry but I couldn’t… .”

I could never forget it, could never outrun it, the way she’d struggled to speak, my name ragged on her lips.

“Jared… ” She shuddered as she tried to smile, her face so sad when she promised me, “It’ll be okay.”

“It’ll be okay,” Aly whispered frantically, breaking free to kiss the rose at my chest, her fingers digging into my skin, promising again, “It’ll be okay.”

I grasped her by the outside of her shoulders. “It’s not okay, Aly. Don’t you get that? It’s never gonna be okay. I killed my mom. I sat there and watched her die.”

“No, Jared – ”

Anger raged. I shook her. “Don’t.”

I knew she’d do this. I knew she’d try to convince me of things that weren’t true. “What do you want from me, Aly? I keep telling you I don’t have anything for you. I can’t be what you want me to be.”

Aly shook her head. Wetness soaked her face, pieces of her hair sticking to her cheeks, her green eyes desperate. “You are what I want, Jared. You’re everything. Don’t you understand that?”

My fingers dug into her arms. “No.”

She started crying harder, little choked sounds hiccuping from her throat. She clung to me, hot tears dripping onto my chest as she battled to get closer while I pushed her away.

“I love you, Jared.”

And there it was.

What I could never give and what I could never receive. The reason I should have fucking run that first night when I’d opened my eyes to find her green ones starting back at me. Because I’d felt it then, the shift in my wasted world.

I took my mom’s life and now I owed mine. A penance. My payment.

I don’t get to have this.

My hands clenched, fingertips burrowing into her soft flesh. “No, you don’t, Aly. You feel something that’s not real. You and I have both been hanging on to something that isn’t really there.”

I knew I’d do this. I knew I’d fucking take and ruin and destroy. I could see it clearly on her face.

“No, Jared, no… can’t you feel this?” She wrestled to free my hand and pressed it over her heart. Erratic, her heart thundered under my palm. “You feel it. I know you do.”

“Just stop, Aly.” The words raked from my throat as a plea. “Just stop.”

I did it.

I ruined the good.

“Yes… I do… I love you,” Aly choked over the words again, forcing my hand closer to her heart. “I know you can feel it.” She stared down at me, begging, “Tell me you love me, too.”

“No.” I ripped my hand away and grabbed her by both wrists, restraining her. “No, Aly. You’re wrong. I warned you. I fucking warned you.”

Aly thrashed, jerking free. Determined, she forced my arms down, her mouth back at my chest as she begged through her whisper, “You don’t understand… I love you, Jared. Oh my God, I love you so much… Please tell me you love me. Please.”

And I let her… I let her pin me down as she sobbed. The sound of it constricted every fucking cell in my body, as if each cell were compressed so tight there was nothing they could do but implode. My back arched as Aly covered me whole.

Because I wanted to. I wanted to love her. But that was impossible.

I don’t get to have this.

“Stop,” I cried, taking her back by the shoulders. I shook her hard. “Just fucking stop,” I shouted. The words fell as a vicious plea from my mouth because I couldn’t handle one more second of this torture.

The crash at Aly’s door came without warning. The entire room shook, the impact vibrating along the walls. It took little for the thin wood to begin to splinter and crack.

Aly gasped, and her eyes widened with fear.

With the second kick, it busted open, flying back where it banged against the wall.

I was still clutching her, pinned under her body with the two of us wearing nothing but our underwear, when Christopher appeared in the doorway, vibrating with hostility. He pointed at me. “You’re dead, you sick bastard.”

He launched across the room, his face contorted in rage.

Aly screamed, lying over me like shield. “Christopher, don’t!”