Dial a Ghost

Dr Fetlock had moved to another group of cages. ‘Now these are the hamsters,’ he said. ‘You see we’ve managed to destroy their pouches completely. That’s only the beginning of course... we’re going to make the spray stronger and liquidate their front ends altogether so—’

‘Yes, yes.’ Fulton was feeling a little queasy. ‘But how do I know it’s going to work on humans? The ghosts I want to exterminate are people – well, they were.’

Dr Fetlock seemed to be thinking. ‘I think we’d best take Mr Snodde-Brittle to the rest-rooms, Charlie.’

The rest-rooms were just cubicles, rather like police cells, each with a camp bed, a grey blanket and a water jug.

‘Perhaps you’d like to look in here?’ said Dr Fetlock. ‘If you’re sure it won’t upset you.’

‘Nothing upsets me,’ blustered Fulton. He stared at the empty bed and the folded blanket – and saw nothing else.

‘He was only a tramp,’ said Dr Fetlock. ‘We thought it was quite right to use him for science. He was sleeping rough under Waterloo Bridge when he became a ghost. So we lured him in here – we said he could rest in peace and he is resting in peace!’ He began to titter. ‘What’s left of him!’

‘Er... what is left?’

‘A shoe with a broken sole... half a sock... look there, hanging over the bed. We came at him while he was asleep – three squirts from one of the big aerosols and well, you’ll see. We’ve got two more in the next rooms. The old bag lady is completely gone, but there’s a drunk we found on the Embankment – his arms and legs have disappeared but his torso’s left, if you’d like to have a look.’

‘No, that’s all right, thank you. I think I’ve seen enough,’ said Fulton. ‘But are you absolutely sure there’s no effect on living people? I mean, I shall want to move back into the house when it’s cleared.’

Dr Fetlock turned to Charlie. ‘Go and get Number Five – it’s just been filled.’

Charlie went away and returned with a large metal canister rather like a fire extinguisher, with a hose and nozzle. The letters EEB were written on it in red paint. Dr Felton put out his arm. ‘Right. You can give me a full dose.’

Charlie pressed the nozzle. There was a hiss, and an evil-smelling liquid shot on to the doctor’s sleeve. Apart from the smell and a damp stain nothing happened at all.

‘Satisfied?’ asked Dr Fetlock.

Fulton nodded. ‘Yes, indeed. It’s all exactly as I hoped. But... could one ask... what is EEB? What do the letters stand for?’

Charlie and Dr Fetlock looked at each other. ‘Well, Mr Snodde-Brittle, we don’t trust everyone with this, but... all right... we’ll take you along to the preparation room. It isn’t I who discovered the EEB, you see – it’s Professor Mankovitch. But I warn you, the Professor is completely dumb. She’s probably the most brilliant scientist in the world – a Hungarian; they’re very clever in Eastern Europe – even the little children play chess – but she can’t say a word. She lost her voice as the result of a frightful shock.’

‘What was that?’

‘She was picnicking with her boyfriend in a forest. They have a lot of forests over there. And suddenly a whole lot of white, shimmering creepies came out of the trees – wibbly, wobbly slithering ghoulies – they call them villis or tree spirits or some such thing. And they stretched out their awful arms and grasped her boyfriend and went off with him into the woods and he never came back. So she swore she would spend the rest of her life finding out how to destroy things that shouldn’t be there. Come along; I’ll show you.’

Fulton followed him. As they came closer to the lab he could hear a kind of bumping and gurgling, and the temperature rose. Then the door was thrown open and he saw an enormous vat which reached from the floor to the ceiling. A great piston went thump, thump, thump, stirring whatever was inside; tubes came from the vat and curled round the walls. Beside the vat, a woman with a blank face and white hair was twiddling a dial.

‘This is it, Mr Snodde-Brittle. This is the fruit of twenty years’ work on the part of Professor Mankovitch. She has scarcely stopped to eat or sleep in all that time, but the result is success. Complete and total success. This vat is full to the brim of the most amazing discovery of the century. It is full, Mr Snodde-Brittle, of EEB.’

‘Yes, but what is EEB? What’s inside it?’

‘You have heard of ectoplasm, surely?’

‘Yes, of course.’

‘And you have heard of bacteria? Of germs? The things that cause measles and chicken-pox and everything that’s vile?’

‘Yes.’

‘Well, we have found out how to grow a bacterium that eats ectoplasm. The Ectoplasm Eating Bacterium or EEB. We are manufacturing it as Rid A Spook and soon every hall, house and mansion in the land will be free of ghosts!’

Fulton was convinced. He had come to the right place. But when they were back in the office he had a shock.

‘How much would it cost to rid Helton Hall of ghosts? Completely?’

‘Well, the charge is a thousand pounds a room. Which I’m sure you’ll see is reasonable—’