Do You Dream of Terra-Two?

‘No,’ said Juno, raising her voice to match her sister’s. ‘I think this whole New Creationist thing is just another way for you to convince yourself that you’re special.’

The blood rose in Astrid’s face as if Juno had just slapped her. ‘You know what? Poppy’s right. You’re bossy and judgemental. You’re impossible to live with. And if you want to spend the next two decades miserable and alone, you’re going about it the right way.’

THE SHAME OF SURRENDER was as familiar to Juno as the cool pride of self-control. That night, she went back to the kitchen when everyone was asleep and half the lights in the ship were off. In the darkness, the smell of dust and preserved sugar set her heart racing.

Then, afterwards, she tortured herself by counting and recounting how much she had consumed. The chocolate melting over her tongue, the jelly babies that stuck to the sides of her teeth and left her mouth sour and furry, the juvenile delight of glacé cherries, which she loved because, when she was much younger, she would steal them from her mother’s baking cupboard. Seduced by the sight of them, Juno had grabbed one when her mother’s back had been turned. Then, again, that same night she crept down the stairs and ate another, then another, tortured by the sight of them, gleaming like marbles in the box, within her reach. Soon, she was stealing six or seven at a time, her fingers sticky and syrupy sweet, a delight to lick clean. She would lie restlessly in bed, waiting for her parents’ door to close, just so she could slip like a shadow into the kitchen and spoon icing sugar into her mouth, chocolates and ladyfingers, Swiss rolls and digestive biscuits. Then she would lie awake in the darkness, tasting the insides of her mouth and the low ebb of guilt.

The first time her mother caught her had also been the first time she’d ever given her a smack with a wooden spoon, on the palm of her left hand. It took Juno too long to realize that the slap had not been for the sweetness she could still taste behind her lips, but for the lies.

That night on the ship, it was no surprise when the sickness came. She felt it rise up from the base of her stomach and heard herself cry out before it filled her mouth. She bolted out the door and made it to the bathroom just in time to heave over the edge of the toilet bowl. Every time she thought it was over, a muscle under her solar plexus contracted, with the brutal force of an elastic band pinging back, and a hot flood of half-eaten junk food surged back up between her teeth.

She’d forgotten to lock the door in her rush to the bathroom, and though she knew that the sounds of her gagging would be audible outside, she did not have the energy to stand and close it. Juno pressed her cheek against the ground. She felt as if all the bones in her body had dissolved.

She didn’t know how long it was until she became aware of the sound of movement outside. The soft slap of bare feet.

‘Go away,’ she moaned, her voice an ugly rasp. Then another hot flood of bitter food erupted from her throat.

‘Juno?’ Jesse’s voice was edged with fear. Juno became more aware of her surroundings; the bathroom was filled with the acrid smell of vomit and her cheek was wet with it.

‘Just leave me alone,’ she said more forcefully, trying to get up. She couldn’t think of anyone she was more ashamed to be found by. ‘Please—’ she gasped, and to her horror her mouth filled up again. She found the energy to sit up and lean over the edge of the toilet bowl. ‘Please stay outside,’ she said when she’d finished. ‘I don’t want you to see this.’

‘I don’t mind,’ Jesse said. ‘I’ve been out on a Friday night too, you know.’

‘Please?’

‘Okay, fine. I’ll stand outside.’ His shadow disappeared but she could still hear his voice. ‘Hey, are you spacesick?’

‘Yeah,’ she muttered, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. ‘Sick of space.’ He chuckled. ‘I don’t think so,’ she admitted.

‘Then maybe it’s something you ate?’

Juno’s face burned. ‘Maybe,’ she managed to say.

‘Should I go and get Fae?’

‘No, I don’t want you to wake her. I’ll be fine in a few minutes.’

They were silent for a while. Juno’s head clouded over with sleep, pinpricks of imaginary light stippling the darkness. The room was illuminated only by the glow from the crew module through the open door. She tried to imagine Jesse on the other side of the wall, in nothing but a T-shirt and boxers. Imagined the straight line his thigh made all the way down to his ankle, and his feet that were stained green with fertilizer from walking barefoot in the greenhouse.

Her eyes dropped closed as she began to drift into sleep, but she bit awake abruptly when her head flopped down on her neck. In panic and semi-conscious confusion she called out, ‘Jessseee … ,’ her voice a plaintive whimper. He was by her side in the next moment.

There were tears in her eyes. ‘It’s okay,’ he said softly, pushing them away with a thumb. ‘You’ll feel better soon. You’re okay.’