Double

“Sure, I bet that was it. She liked that sort of kinky stuff, just like you did. I should have realized that — you both seemed to know something about Beddoes and his porn collection, which is definitely oriented that way. More than you would have known if he’d been merely Elaine’s employer. I’m willing to bet he’s a member here too. And then Elaine had that paddle in her closet — a paddle with the insignia of the sorority you belonged to. I remember now — Elaine never went to college. We talked about that when she urged me to go — she told me how she regretted it. You gave her the paddle, didn’t you? It was a joke. Some joke, Karyn.”

I sat down on the floor, cross-legged, and resumed my monologue. “But then things stopped being so funny, didn’t they? Something happened out here. What? Well, that’s easy to imagine, even for an innocent like me. Lots of people messing around in that living room — high on booze or grass or coke. Who? You, Elaine, Beddoes, maybe Rich Woodall. Or Rick, the masseur from that health club who wasn’t above selling his body on the side. Who knows? It doesn’t matter. What matters is what happened with Elaine and you. There you were — all ending up on that round bed in the room with the mirrors. And who does what — and to whom? What’s the difference what sex they are?

“Elaine was probably horrified by what she’d done with you. That would partly explain her very noticeable depression. And she also must have realized she’d gotten in over her head with Les Club. After all, Rich Woodall had started bothering her. Her life was no longer contained, compartmentalized.

“So what did she do about it? I think she probably quit coming here. I found all those slinky, sexy clothes exiled in the back of her closet, the handcuffs and thongs stuffed in a bottom drawer, your paddle tossed in with her mementos. I think she decided to get out while she still could. But she found she couldn’t get away from it — not even at work. After all, her boss was a member of Les Club. I bet she got her job because she met him here. And he knew he could control his chief of security — because he had something on her.”

My voice was growing hoarse from thirst and talking too much. But I kept on; I had to work this out.

“Okay, when Elaine quit coming here, what did you do? Probably not much at first. Continued to see her. Lunches, committee meetings for the Women’s Forum. Little dinners. You thought you could win her over. You thought she’d be better off with you. Remember what you said to me about Elaine’s sexual orientation? That she wasn’t bisexual or lesbian and perhaps that was her problem. So you decided to court her. And when she still resisted, you wrote that note.

“And she crumpled it and tossed it away. She rejected you and your offer of love. When she didn’t respond to the note, you tried to talk to her. I think you’d been trying for some days before she died. You must have been frantic — you knew you were going to lose her.”

I knew I was going a little crazy, holding a conversation with a dead woman, but it seemed so normal to be confronting her with it all.

“I think you gave it one last try, Karyn, that morning after the breakfast meeting in her office at Casa del Rey. Remember how you told her you were going to escort June to her car so she’d leave Lloyd Beddoes alone? And on your way out to the door, you looked back and said — ever so meaningfully — ‘And remember — we have to talk about that other matter.’ And Elaine nodded — ever so wearily — and said, ‘Yes, I know.’ ”

I leaned back, propping myself on my elbows, tired of sitting erect.

“There may be no way I can prove it, Karyn, but I think you came back to the office after you escorted June to her car. You waited until Elaine came out of the meeting with Beddoes and Ibarcena. And you had that talk. Why didn’t you have it in the office? Because there were too many people around, and besides Elaine was due to chair a panel at the convention soon. So you went upstairs and into the tower, where it was secluded and quiet.

“Did you go up there with the intention of killing her if she rejected you? I don’t think so. I think going there might even have been her suggestion — just a quiet, out-of-the-way place. Did you beg her? Plead with her? I guess you must have. And once again she turned you down.

“And that was it for Elaine Picard. Jealousy and rage made you shove her, and over the rail she went.”

I paused. The words rang with such finality in the empty room.

“In a way,” I went on after a moment, “it was also the end for you. Because somebody figured it out just as I have. Somebody who belonged to Les Club, probably. Somebody who cared for Elaine. He got you out here, and he killed you. I won’t know who or why or how until I get out of here and find him.”

If I get out of here, my inner voice said.

“When I get out of here,” I said.