Dying for Chocolate

The general was rattling on about the fact that he had ordered all the flowers and for me not to worry about that. I patted him on the back and told him he was just a huge help, then managed to shoo him out of the kitchen so I could check recipes and make a list. There would be thirty of us this time, all the same people who were at the Harrington aphrodisiac dinner, friends from the school, the club, and various committees, plus Arch and me.

Plus Arch’s friends! Oh Lord, I thought on the way to the grocery store, I had forgotten to make the calls as I’d promised. I would have to call the kids’ parents the moment I got home from seeing Schulz. Could Arch have given up and be inviting them while he was at summer school today? There were too many things to worry about, I reflected as I swung my van in next to Schulz’s car in the parking lot. When I found him, he was picking out artichokes.

I leaned into him, spylike, and said under my breath, “You need to stop calling me on the Farquhars’ phone. It’s dangerous.”

“Yeah, 007? Why’s that?”

“Get serious. I’ve discovered the perfect crime.”

He said, “Artie Chokes Two for a Dollar.”

“Are you done?”

ANNIVERSARY BURGERS

2 eggs, beaten

2 tablespoons whipping cream

2 tablespoons milk

2 slices bread, torn up

1 tablespoon dried minced onion

1 ½ teaspoons salt

2 teaspoons prepared horseradish

¼ teaspoon black pepper (preferably freshly ground

¼ teaspoon dried thyme

¼ teaspoon dry mustard

2 pounds lean ground beef

½ cup (1 stick) unsalted butter

½ cup catsup

Light a charcoal fire.

Mix eggs with cream and milk, then add torn-up bread, onion, salt, horseradish, pepper, thyme, and dry mustard. Stir well, let stand for 10 minutes, then stir well again, until all is well moistened and the bread is no longer in pieces. Add ground beef and mix well.

Melt butter with catsup and keep warm.

Measure out beef in ½-cup increments and form patties. Grill over hot coals on one side. Turn and brush with butter-catsup mixture. Grill other side. Serve hot.

Makes about 9 patties

DIJON PASTA SALAD

1 pound tricolored fusilli or rotini pasta

2/3 cup corn oil

2 tablespoons cider vinegar

2 teaspoons Dijon-style mustard

2/3 cup mayonnaise

2 large celery ribs, chopped

6 thick bacon slices, cooked and chopped

2 hard-cooked eggs, chopped

2 scallions, chopped

½ to 1 teaspoon salt

paprika (optional)

Cook pasta in boiling water just until done, usually 11 to 13 minutes. Drain. Run cold water over pasta until it is completely cool.

In a large bowl, whisk together oil, vinegar, mustard, and mayonnaise.

Add pasta and all other ingredients to dressing, mix carefully, and taste for seasoning. Chill thoroughly before serving.

Makes 8 to 10 servings

“No, I’m waiting by the vegetables for the town caterer to tell me how to do my job.”

I told him my theory about the peroxide on the unrinsed lenses. About the anesthetic delaying the burning of the corneas. I finished with, “All the killer would have to do is sneak into the doctor’s office somehow, do a trade with the saline solution, and then just wait for things to self-destruct. But you’d have to know Philip’s schedule beforehand.” I handed him two firm artichokes.

“No offense, Miss G., but it sounds a little thin. If you’ve got a real homicidal person on your hands, there are easier ways.” He put down the artichokes, picked up some celery, put it down. “Like guns.”

“But this way it looks like an accident,” I said.

“If the guy dies.”

“He’d die driving blind on that twisting road,” I insisted. “Listen. Do me a favor. I’m going to see Weezie Harrington tonight, and I want to try to find out more about her. But when I found the calendar—”

He leaned against the celery bin and closed his eyes. “I’m afraid to ask.”

“Well. . .” I said slowly, “don’t get mad, okay?” He let his shoulders go slack. I went on, “I got into Philip’s office and looked at his schedule.”

“We saw his schedule, too, Miss G.”

“Yes, but you didn’t know at that time that Julian Teller used peroxide for his hair! He saw Julian for his regular appointment and also the Farquhars, probably something to do with Julian’s behavior, I’d say. I had to go in to see Arch’s counselor monthly about the fantasy role-playing games. Don’t you think it’s strange that he saw the three of them, all in the few days before he died? Then on the day before he died, he had lunch with Weezie Harrington?”

“This is great. You broke into and entered Miller’s office. You rifled his desk. You found his schedule. You figure, they don’t license private investigators in this state, you’re home free?”

I pressed my lips together.

“B and E is still a crime.”

“Julian bleaches his hair,” I said. “That’s like new evidence, or whatever you call it. Can’t you just run a background check on him?”

“I gotta go,” Schulz said. He patted me on the shoulder.

“Do you even care about this?”

“Do you?”

I was taken aback. “Yes,” I said after a minute, “I guess I do.”