Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine. Vol. 105, Nos. 3 & 4. Whole Nos. 640 & 641, March 1995

On that afternoon Billy’s intervention stopped us cold. “Hey, hons,” he hollered, “you’d better save your energies for the talk shows us three are going on.”

“Us three?” I squeaked.

“Sure, us three. The whole story’s about a love triangle and a triangle has three sides, ergo, us three have got to go.”

Ergo. What a word! I just loved it when Billy talked foreign. That word just melted all my hostilities toward Sally Sue. Billy cracked open a couple of cans of beer while he filled Sally Sue in, and I took three business cards out of my handbag and called the producers. They sounded happy to hear from me. The Ricardo Show, scheduled for three weeks from the day I lost my job, would be our first.

After the phone calls, Sally Sue and I went into training, and Billy acted as our coach. His pep talk really motivated us.

“Now hons, you have got to look good on those TV shows. You’ve got to go out there and make me proud that you both are fighting over me. As of now, you are in training. Ruth Anne, no more tortellini-o’s, just parsley and prunes. And I’ll develop an exercise program for you too, hon. And Sally Sue, hon, you’ve got to get a haircut.”

“Oh no,” she cried.

“Oh yes,” thundered Billy, hands on hips, baseball cap pushed low on his forehead, a natural coach if there ever was one. Billy didn’t thunder often but I loved it when he did.

Eyes narrowed, Billy said, “Sally Sue, your hair falls over your face and you look like a sheep dog. Do you want millions of viewers to think that I would want to be returned to a sheep dog?”

“No, Billy. I’ll go to the beauty shop tomorrow,” she sighed.

“They’ll have their work cut out for them,” I quipped. “Let me do it. I have the hedge clippers.”

“Now, now, team,” Billy chided, “no infighting. We’re the Three Talk-Showteers. Let’s get to work. Ruth Anne, you jog to the newsstand and get me Racing News. It’ll do wonders for your weight. And Sally Sue, you tie your hair back and read me the list of TV shows on this week. Real nice and low. We’ve got to work on your voice. It’s too high-pitched. We don’t want our viewers turning off their sets because their dogs are running away from home.”

Three weeks of intensive training followed. The coach posted my daily routine to the refrigerator: