Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine. Vol. 105, Nos. 3 & 4. Whole Nos. 640 & 641, March 1995

5 A.M. Rise and shine, Ruth Anne, but quietly. Coach needs his rest. Three-mile jog to Yummy Donuts for 2 jellies, 2 raspberry-coconut, and 2 lemon creme for Coach.

7 A.M. Exercise along with Tessie Torquemada’s videotape, Shoo, Shoo Cellulite.

7:45 A.M. Eat breakfast of Oatsies, topped with prunes, garnishedwith sprigs of parsley.

8:00 A.M. to 11:30 A.M. Split logs on empty lot next to trailer to earn money for Billy’s talk-show wardrobe. Look what that activity did for Abe Lincoln, ha, ha, ha.

11:30 A.M. to 11:35 A.M. Take a break.

11:35 A.M. to 12:00 P.M. Dig up vegetables from your garden and prepare them for your lunch.

12:01 P.M. Bring donuts and coffee into Billy’s room.

12:02 P.M. to 12:17 P.M. Eat lunch. Menu: Raw Carrots Jardiniere, Turnips au Naturel, and Summer Squash au Jus.

12:18 P.M. to 12:28 P.M. Make living room presentable for Talk Show Seminar given by Coach. Be sure to dust off TV screen and get the cat off recliner.

12:29 P.M. Admit Sally Sue to Seminar. She doesn’t need a ticket, ha, ha, ha.

12:30 P.M. to 1:00 P.M. Seminar commences. Coach lectures on talk-show etiquette, such as sucking up to the host and listening as if you really cared to phone-in callers who make no sense at all.

1:01 P.M. to 4:00 P.M. Field trip for seminar students and instructor. We adjourn to Sally Sue’s trailer to watch three hours of talk shows. Bring your exercycle, Ruth Anne.

4:01 P.M. to 5:30 P.M. Tackle that ironing, Ruth Anne. It’s climbing up to the Casablanca fan. As time goes by (ha, ha), I don’t want any more shirts parachuting into my soup.

5:31 P.M. to 7:00 P.M. Prepare my dinner. I’m easy. Anything in a cream sauce, like fettuccini Ruth Anne-o, accompanied by any brand of gourmet beer. No salads or veggies, please. They’re for you. Do dishes and set up my hammock in the yard.

7:01 P.M. to 8:00 P.M. Seminar students gather round the hammock for the instructor’s critique of the day’s talk-show guests.

8:01 P.M. to 9:10 P.M. Sally Sue’s voice lessons with Henry Higgins, ha, ha, ha. Ruth Anne, take your evening jog to the Cream de la Cream shop for my nightly quart of Ginger Snap Gourmet Ice Cream. (No dawdling, Ruth Anne. I like my women soft but not my ice cream, ha, ha ha.)

9:15 P.M. to Whenever P.M. Free Time.

Oh, that Billy! Free time! Free time for taking my Z’s. After a quick shower, I’d crawl to my bed and fall asleep to the hypnotic drone of Sally Sue in the living room doing her voice lessons with ‘Billy by reading aloud from the phone book.