Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine. Vol. 124, Nos. 3 & 4. Whole Nos. 757 & 758, September/October 2004

What’s missing is from our catalogue bags. I don’t have the list of what’s gone, but I’ve seen Jake wave it around. It seems the thieving began when he went on holiday last June. That’s four — no, I tell a lie — that’s three and a half months ago. Not many bags — we don’t mass produce them — but enough to notice, obviously. Not enough to make a serious dent in profits, but enough to make a serious dent in Jake’s mood. He’s been on a rampage all week. Eight days — eight work days — since he discovered it.

Now, this week, he’s put in a new policy. Each day when we leave work we’re all going to be searched. Someone will look in our bags — a bit ironic, that — and even check our persons. Evie’s in charge. She’s been around so long, Jake trusts her.

Not all the girls do, mind. “Who’s going to search Evie?” one of them asked when Jake announced the new policy last Friday so we’d have the weekend to think about it. But she didn’t ask very loud and Jake didn’t answer. That was Sandra who asked. Bit of a rebel, Sandra. She’s one of the ones they suspect, I think.

I don’t mind if Evie searches me. She can pat me down all she likes, so long as she doesn’t tickle.

Sandra is not the number-one suspect, though. The girls have another prime candidate. Linda. And the reason is that Linda is the one who goes off-site for lunch every day. Well, almost every day. You can tell ahead which days, because ahead of time — when we break for elevenses — Linda calls for a cab.

Yep, a cab. You see her make the call on her mobile. And then you see the cab pull up at one. And then a couple of minutes to two she’s back — by cab again. Where does she go? some ask. How can she afford it? most ask.

Especially now. Now somebody’s nicking.

They also don’t like Linda much because she isn’t social. She’s not a smoker — that goes without saying — but she doesn’t mix much over coffees and teas, either. Keeps herself to herself. Hasn’t been here all that long. All Evie knows about her is that she’s married to a Tarmac layer and they have a kiddy at school. Even when she doesn’t go off on her taxi ride at lunchtime she doesn’t hang out with the girls. Keeps herself to herself. Reads. Books. Well, no wonder they’re suspicious of her.

I reckon — though Evie’s never said — I reckon that the whole search thing at the end of the day is just a way to justify searching Linda’s bag — and her person, if necessary. I think they have to search everybody in order to search the one they suspect.

Poor cow, Linda, I don’t think she even knows they suspect her. She does her job, keeps herself to herself, thinks she’s all right. Lost in her own world. Doesn’t notice anything she doesn’t have to notice — you know the type. She’s not social. If you’re social, you’re interested in what your work mates are up to. Okay, maybe not to the extent of keeping track of every new tooth of every baby in every family — especially if you’re not lumbered with kids yourself and have no bloody plans to be. Gee, who could I be describing here?

And I also think that Jake and Evie figure that even if they don’t catch anybody in flagrante delicto, at least the searches will put an end to the nicking.

I’m sure Jake would sorely love to catch somebody — I know men like Jake. Well, he’s a man, so he’s like the others, isn’t he? He hates the idea that somebody’s putting something over on him. He says it’s because he thinks of us as one big family at Evening Eye. He says anybody robbing him is robbing us all. But the truth is, he doesn’t like some woman — because it’s all women here, except for him — he doesn’t like the idea of some woman cocking two fingers at him.

They’re all the same, these guys. Guys in charge of women. I ought to know. I’ve known enough.

And I know something else. Jake is not going to catch Linda out. He can wait all day to pounce, search her big pouchy bag and her bouncy bra. Even look inside one of her books to see if the pages have been carved out.

Do you know why?

It’s because what they think is the evidence against her isn’t. They ask, How can she afford all those cabs? She must go off in the taxi three, four times a week, and then back again. Who on earth at Evening Eye has money for that? And if she does, where does she get it from?

I wouldn’t put it past Jake to follow Linda around out of hours, to try to find where she sells the bags she supposedly nicks. Try to catch her going to a market and approaching a fashion trader who’ll give her a tenth what they retail for in Harrods, and she’ll be grateful for it.

But he can follow her all day and all night.

If he wants to know about Linda, what he ought to do is take up smoking. He ought to come out on the doorstep where I go and see what I see while I’m out there.